(no subject)
it's amazing how one little event can send you into a tailspin.
im done. im finally broken. i knew it would eventually happen, i just didnt think it would be this soon. i thought i was stronger than this. i was wrong.
for some time now i have had this feeling that things wern't working out in my favor. like some cosmic deity from a long dead civilization had decided to pick me for it's twisted amusement. tonight just proved that to me, i mean honestly, who else could this happen to? no one.
i've been trying to keep everything in a positive light. trying to focus on the good, even when things didn't work out like i wanted them to. i shrugged off every altercation, every rejection, every miscommunication as if they didnt matter but deep inside they were tearing holes into my soul. i just wanted things to go my way, of all the plans i had set in motion, every action i had taken, i just wanted the pieces to fall into place and everything to click. but it didnt. at least not for me.
I put on a smile and told jokes and danced as if i didnt have a care in the world. when, in all reality, i was screaming my lungs out for some kind of justification that what i was doing was right. Dont get me wrong, 90% of the time i would push everything away and i really was happy. the smile was real and the jokes were real and the comedic dancing was real. but there would be that 10% when everything would come flooding to the surface like a tidal wave of self doubt trying to obliterate my joyous mood. and everytime that would happen i would again push it back, but she still saw it happen. you still saw what i didnt want anyone else to see. the one person on earth that i wanted to never see me push it back. and you asked if i was ok. and i always said yes, but you knew it was a lie. still, you cared about me enough not to pry and i thank you for that. you really are the best thing to stumble into my life and although i have many faults and flaws i hope to never see you stumble out.
i need some time. time to sort out all these feelings and emotions and negative thoughts and the hateful ones and the resentful ones too. im not used to having all this bottled up because im much to busy (or even, dare i say, afraid?) to face them and deal with them when i should because i know it could lead to a momentary depression. well sooner or later you have to face facts. life isnt what you want it to be. there is a shortage of silver spoons in the world. the "palm of your hand" mumbo jumbo was nothing more than a ruse. life is tough and you rarely get what you put into it. and most of the time you have to be sad. but that's just not me. or at least the me that i want people to think about when they hear my name muttered in passing on the street somewhere.
I'm taking some me time. im going to sit in the middle of a field or a forrest or on a hillside and im going to think. im going to sort everything out and im going to face those horrible truths. even though i dont want to and im happy living in the lies i have sold myself. and why am i doing this? because im afraid of losing myself, or at least the me i have worked so hard to be up to this point. If i dont answer messages please dont take it as an insult, i think it better i be alone. i wouldnt wish these horrid things crawling in my brain upon anyone. i can do this without help. i can do this. rinse.lather.repeat.
im done. im finally broken. i knew it would eventually happen, i just didnt think it would be this soon. i thought i was stronger than this. i was wrong.
for some time now i have had this feeling that things wern't working out in my favor. like some cosmic deity from a long dead civilization had decided to pick me for it's twisted amusement. tonight just proved that to me, i mean honestly, who else could this happen to? no one.
i've been trying to keep everything in a positive light. trying to focus on the good, even when things didn't work out like i wanted them to. i shrugged off every altercation, every rejection, every miscommunication as if they didnt matter but deep inside they were tearing holes into my soul. i just wanted things to go my way, of all the plans i had set in motion, every action i had taken, i just wanted the pieces to fall into place and everything to click. but it didnt. at least not for me.
I put on a smile and told jokes and danced as if i didnt have a care in the world. when, in all reality, i was screaming my lungs out for some kind of justification that what i was doing was right. Dont get me wrong, 90% of the time i would push everything away and i really was happy. the smile was real and the jokes were real and the comedic dancing was real. but there would be that 10% when everything would come flooding to the surface like a tidal wave of self doubt trying to obliterate my joyous mood. and everytime that would happen i would again push it back, but she still saw it happen. you still saw what i didnt want anyone else to see. the one person on earth that i wanted to never see me push it back. and you asked if i was ok. and i always said yes, but you knew it was a lie. still, you cared about me enough not to pry and i thank you for that. you really are the best thing to stumble into my life and although i have many faults and flaws i hope to never see you stumble out.
i need some time. time to sort out all these feelings and emotions and negative thoughts and the hateful ones and the resentful ones too. im not used to having all this bottled up because im much to busy (or even, dare i say, afraid?) to face them and deal with them when i should because i know it could lead to a momentary depression. well sooner or later you have to face facts. life isnt what you want it to be. there is a shortage of silver spoons in the world. the "palm of your hand" mumbo jumbo was nothing more than a ruse. life is tough and you rarely get what you put into it. and most of the time you have to be sad. but that's just not me. or at least the me that i want people to think about when they hear my name muttered in passing on the street somewhere.
I'm taking some me time. im going to sit in the middle of a field or a forrest or on a hillside and im going to think. im going to sort everything out and im going to face those horrible truths. even though i dont want to and im happy living in the lies i have sold myself. and why am i doing this? because im afraid of losing myself, or at least the me i have worked so hard to be up to this point. If i dont answer messages please dont take it as an insult, i think it better i be alone. i wouldnt wish these horrid things crawling in my brain upon anyone. i can do this without help. i can do this. rinse.lather.repeat.