i should be asleep right now
not sleepy. i'm feeling sorta icky but i know that it's mostly just the fact that i'm awake and alone at almost 3 am in january. i had a pretty good day actually. i did GREAT in my exercise class. i'm definetly noticing that it's been getting easier for me. and of course that's pretty cool. but i dunno, i its a fleeting feeling. a couple hours later it fades. but that's the way feelings are i guess.
i guess the one good thing that's happened lately is that i now feel free to just feel however i feel and not worry that what i'm feeling is scary or upsetting. what i mean by that is that i'm not "seeing" or whatever the person i was before, which was a big part of the lets try and hid our feels game. yeah, i'm still sad about the whole thing but i don't think i had realized how much the whole taryn is so scary we must figure her inside and out thing was affecting me. i have to stop taking on that role. it's an old place and not one i like going to anymore. frankly it is really unhealthy for me mentally. because deep down i know how much i have to offer a person even though i'm not perfect and have anxiety issues and i'm trying to loose weight and i keep getting fucking rejection letters in the fucking mail. god. fuck you pretentious vet schools who think you're too good to accept me to your fucking school. hmmm... alright, well that was interesting...
seriously, i just hope i get in somewhere now. and i need to fucking finish the caribean schools gah!!
but yeah, it's a strange thing. when i'm with someone i tend to suddenly become totally blind to the issues that are going on between us. i am just infatuated with that person and that is all i really see. (optimism? i dunno...) but the minute it's over everything becomes crystal clear to me and i see all the issues right infront of me as if i saw them all along. i know this is typical of the way some people are in relationships but i don't like it.
alright, adding another thing to the lets improve taryn list. awareness of issues and positive ways of improving the problems while in the relationship. yep. sounds good to me.
oh good a yawn. maybe i can fall asleep now.
i'm going home for a few days tomorrow. i really hope i have a good time in nyc. at least nyc isn't lonely.
3 am in january, loneliness so deep it hurts. i shouldn't be allowed to be awake after midnight in the winter. it's just too depressing for me. in the summer i am so happy and giggly all the time by the time 3 am comes around it barely even registers. and then in the fall it's kind of spooky and exciting. but in january? it just makes my chest hurt and my arms feel really cold.
okay off to dreamland. maybe i'll have a really hot dream about the lady from loving annabelle, not the actresses the director. i think she's WICKED hot. what's her name again? oh yeah, katherine brooks. she's all mainstream buddhist dyke hotness. oh yeah...