My Final English Portfolio
Confessions of a Bruised Blossom
Into the Looking Glass…
You may look, but you may never touch
Portfolio By: Julia Kaelberer
Lt Chu
English 12
6 May 2005
Table of Contents Page
The Eternal Blossom in the Fishbowl 2-5
The Storybook Life: Read in-Between the Lines 6-8
The Many Faces of Woman 9-13
With Arms Stretched Wide 14-16
Works Cited 17
The Eternal Blossom in the Fishbowl
As I reflect about myself I see that my story is vastly deeper and profoundly richer than a simple phrase or even these few pages. This essay is a story of an independent girl who never knew the peace she could find in solitude. It is this uncertainty that drives me to my faith. As this essay progresses though, you must know that to read on is to take a risk. Edgar Allen Poe did not write with the same positive tone as Emily Dickenson. My tale does have a grim side, just like that of The Fall of the House of Usher, but it also has hope, just like a Dickenson poem would. The Dickenson poem I best embody is one titled Tell all truth, but tell it slant. Dickenson writes,
Tell all the Truth but tell it slant--
Success in Circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth's superb surprise
As Lightning to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind-
I guess one could say Dickenson and I have a lot in common. She was a very private person. But when her tales were revealed people were more than amazed. Are you ready to plunge into the private depths of my soul? This is the story of Midshipman Candidate Kaelberer, the young girl who is known by her sister as “My Lei of Love.”
I have found that distance has become one of my greatest challenges thus far. As you read this story it is not all gold and glory. Growing up as a Pastor’s daughter, I have had my fair share of travel. One could say transitioning from the life of a Pastor’s kid to the life of a Naval Officer would not be a challenge as far as moving goes. Switching in and out of 5 or 6 different schools gave me experiences with having to face the lonely times. Once I became comfortable in my new environment I was ripped from all that was familiar and thrown once again into a new situation. The one thing I did have though was my sister, my very best friend in the entire world.
My childhood was not picture perfect like the Kodak family you may see mounted on my wall. I lived in a fishbowl. People would tell me what to think, where to go, how to act, and what was moral and immoral. For the first few conscious years of my life I tried to gently tell people, “I am Julia and this is the way that I am.” People refused to see me as anything but what they wanted to see. There were three people in my life who accepted me for who I was. Those people were my Mom, Dad, and sister. After countless conversations of “Young Julia you must not do this. Young Julia, you better wear a skirt to church. Young Julia you cannot hang out with that girl. Pastor’s daughters cannot hang out with girls like that” I decided that the fight was futile. After trying to tell people that there is a lot more to life than what we just see on the surface, I decided to fight it no more. I kept silence. I became like Emily Dickenson. I locked my voice inside my soul. No one was allowed to enter there. For to allow them to enter would cause too much hurt. My thoughts and my soul can be compared to a rose. People refused see the beauty and the bloom of my rose, but rather they chose to see the thorns. It hurt me more than anything that they could not accept me for who I was.
There was one person though who refused to stay shut out of my life. My sister could see inside of my soul regardless of what I did or did not say. In fact, it came to the point where at the age of about 4 my sister would finish my sentences for me. My sister, for example could always tell what I was thinking, she knew when I was sad, she knew when I was angry, and she knew when I was in love. We had always had this bond that allowed each of us to help the other, no matter what the circumstance. There were very few times that I had to speak, for my sister would take care of me. As I think back to these past 15 years, I see just how that silence has been my solitude. I realize that I need that solitude because it defined who I was. It was and is the one place I could and can now escape the fishbowl. In my solitude I am free from judgment, free from shame, and free from vulnerability.
As I have lived this last year at NAPS I have seen in many ways that I am still in the fishbowl. I have also seen that life cannot be entirely free from vulnerability. I have always been an independent person. This year has been a challenge. Excited about the challenge of living on my own, I did not realize the difficulty I would experience in being separated from my sister, the very person who used to be my voice and finish my thoughts for me. For my entire life she protected me, shielded me, and loved me more tenaciously than anyone I have seen. Now, I stand alone. I stand among some of the brightest and most able minds of America. Now, I must be challenged to speak and write. Now I must be vulnerable. I must write to you and reveal myself. My fear is that you, reader will laugh and scorn me. My fear is that you can read my words and use them against me. My fear is that you can tear down my soul. In years past it was simple to jot down a few superficial thoughts and pass by. Now I am being challenged to go a little bit deeper. You asked me to allow you to look into my soul, to truly see how I write? Anais Nin wrote “Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” To understand my writing style is to understand me. Glance into this fishbowl and you will see an eternal blossom. I have many layers, many fragrances, and all I ask is that you take me as I am. My silence was the bud, but now I see that the blossom that comes with being vulnerable is much richer than those that come from being safe. There will come a time when men and women in my platoon may need to know those thoughts. Their very lives may depend on me. Do I still have insecurities when I write or when I voice my thoughts? Yes, we all battle one insecurity or another. But as I mentioned before I can best be compared to a rose. It is truth I am blossoming, but this glorious sight does not come without its thorns. This light has to be slighted. Time and circumstance have to grow and shape me. I must not let vulnerability deter me any longer. It is truth that I stand here alone. I no longer have my sister as a crutch, but I now understand that it is alright to accept myself. There will always be the risk of people taking my words and my writings and tear them apart. But as you see this fear, I hope you see that it is my passion that drives me. My fear of the risk to bloom lasted for nearly 15 years, but as my bud is blossoming, I see that my growth had to be gradual, for just as my late kin Dickenson said the truth of my soul might be “too bright for our infirm delight.”
The Storybook Life: Read in-Between the Lines
Dear Sissy,
I just thought that I would write to you and hopefully come up with some good ideas for my English paper, or rather, self reflective essay. It seems like the only way that I can write is if I am sitting down to either write a journal or an email, and so I figured I would make this like both of them. Writing is like being able to flip the pages that we’ve written back and see just what it is we have done. It is what we have done that shows that we lived our lives to the fullest. The mistakes we have made, though often times I know we would all love to forget them. The loves we’ve shared, the friends we’ve met, the heart aches we’ve encountered. Beth, I read the most beautiful thing that brought all these aspects together. This quote is all about love. Each person seems to go through life searching for that which is indescribable - love. That word is so small, so simple, and yet so powerful. It’s almost as though love itself defines a person. My life has been shaped by love. All the mistakes, the friends, the heartaches, all rounded with love. You can see how a person’s heart can change in an instance; sometimes it’s almost as though a light switch is being flipped and a new current is flowing through their being. As I reflect on myself, I think back to those specific mistakes that I have made or the certain joys that I have shared with many, including you, but sharing one story would not do me justice. For I have found, that I have been given the greatest gift in love. Life in general is much like a story book, but if you think about that, people are the ones who write the stories in those books, they are the ones who make up the happy endings. They are the ones who tell you to read in-between the lines. I want to share now with you the quote I was talking about before.
Sooner or later we begin to understand that love is more than verses on valentines and romance in the movies. We begin to know that love is here and now, real and true, the most important thing in our lives. For love is the creator of our favourite memories and the foundation of our fondest dreams. Love is a promise that is always kept, a fortune that can never be spent, a seed that can flourish in even the most unlikely of places. And this radiance that never fades, this mysterious and magical joy, is the greatest treasure of all - one known only by those who love.
~ Author Unknown
You see, my sister, I have been given this gift of love. I have found love from friends, family, lovers, and even that random stranger who smiles to let me know that it’s ok to smile, because life is just that sweet. These people are the ones who despite what is truly going on, can make you feel better. Love is an everyday existence, an act and not a mere feeling. These are people like you my dear sister. People who can stop and make you think about what you are doing and when you are doing it. The ones that matter give you a reason to change. Though it seems like you are the way you are because that’s what you’ve grown into, the truth lies solely in those that surround you. They are like the leaves that give you the ability to breathe, the sun that feeds you, the water that nourishes you, the roots that keep you safe and strong, the pigment that makes your life all the more bright. I know this has been true for me.
It is through the love of others that you can truly show who you are, because the ones you love and who love you are not asking you to love them. They are not telling you to act or look perfectly when they laugh with you over silly jokes. Those people do not require you to smile all the time when your heart is breaking. When you share a love relationship (and love can come in many shapes and forms) it’s almost as though you catch onto who they are. You adapt so that you and they can live. You overcome the cold, you use your thorns to protect you. You somehow outlast the nasty winter.
In a few short weeks I will stand with my peers, my colleagues, and my brothers and sisters of the Navy. This is no light occasion. It is times like these and circumstances like these that bring people to profound introspection. As I reflect about myself I see that my story is vastly deeper and profoundly richer than a simple phrase or even these few pages. I feel blessed to be able to find integrity in these people. Their commitment and charge encourage me. But what keeps me going, what outlasts it all is the love that I share with you and so many others. Your love got me through InDoc. Your love is getting me through this paper. In fact, I think I have my personal reflective essay right here, for to know me is to know love.
I look forward to hearing from you again soon. Thank you for all your letters, especially as I have been away this entire year. I know that life will be different from here on out, but just trust that I stand on this principle of love. I am no longer the little girl who used to rest in your shadow. You would be surprised at the shadows I cast. Just trust that I surround myself with people who love. You and I both know nothing is as powerful. I love you sissy!
M/C Kaelberer
(Your sister Julia)
The Many Faces of Woman
In Henry IV, Shakespeare explores a vast spectrum of generalizations of woman from the traditional, domesticated, submissive housewife, to the ideal woman in marriage, to the anti-pious bar wench in the tavern. By offering such a wide range of women within one play it is difficult to pin down the exact opinion Shakespeare holds about women’s place in society. Further Shakespeare complicates this matter of the woman’s role in society as he marginalizes the three female characters in Henry IV (Part 1). However, this expansive range of characters does offer free and liberal views and interpretations of a woman’s place in society. Shakespeare does something very important with this; he does not force his opinion, nor claim one way of society, rather he creates a forum that speaks to the many facets of women in his society. His living text is not limited to his day; he gives readers throughout time this same opportunity. Though Henry IV offers little textual breadth when it comes to the dialogue of these women, the minimal words he selects does not limit the fact that there is no such thing as one type of woman. There are indeed many faces to woman.
Starting at the traditional, submissive housewife end of the spectrum, Shakespeare brings to life Lady Percy, the wife of the rash and impetuous Hotspur. Before observing how Shakespeare does this it is first important to define what is meant by traditional, submissive housewife. Woman of Shakespeare’s day were to be subordinate to their husbands. They very much stuck to the Pauline theory of “Women, submit to your husbands. The traditional, submissive housewife is here being defined as just that, the woman who is to submit to her husband. It is in his nature and right to be the head of the household. His word is final. He takes the active role in the outside world. Woman is limited to the household. Notice how Lady Percy is not featured in the courts, the tavern, or even the last scene where all the characters are joined. In fact there are no women present. Thus as Lady Percy is viewed it is evident that the minimal presence of women in the text reflects their marginalization in society. In her dialogue with Hotspur, the reader catches a glimpse of this limitation as he dismisses her wants and opinions. He entraps her into the place of the home, but moreover into a place of submission. The last part of their dialogue is as follows: “Not an inch further. But hark you, Kate. Wither I go, thither you shall go too. Today will I set forth, tomorrow you. / Will this content you Kate? / (Lady Percy) It must, of force” (2.4.105-109). Hotspur commands his wife. He tells her where and when she can go, thus defining and commanding her position and space. She acknowledges this command with “it must, of force”, knowing her place in this society as well as her inability to fight it. She has no power to overcome the rule of her husband.
Lady Percy further serves as an example of the common thought that women were rash, emotionally and intellectually unstable creatures. During that time women were also seen as the weaker vessels. Though this is ironic, as Hotspur is a rash character himself, he speaks to the characteristic of a loose, untrusting, and unstable mind of his wife saying “I know you wise, but yet no farther wise/ Than Harry Percy’s wife; constant you are, / But yet a woman; and for secrecy/ No lady closer, for I well believe/ thought wilt not utter what thou dost not know” (2.5.98-103). This quote shows the great mistrust men had for women, as they believed that women could not keep secrets. Hotspur directly says to her, you cannot spill a secret that you do not know, so I will not tell you. This point can also relate back to women being the weaker vessel. Hotspur asserts his superior knowledge over her, making her the weaker vessel. As the weaker vessel she has no choice but to submit and be silenced by her husband.
The character of Lady Mortimer is complicated as her dialogue is not inked under her name. Language becomes a barrier for this. However, Glyndwr translates for her. This translation shows how she exhibits the ideal position of a married woman. She makes request of him to honor her sexually “She bids you on the wanton rushes lay you down/ And rest your gentle head upon her lap, / and she will sing the song that pleaseth you…” (3.1.209-211). His response to her request is “With all my heart, Ill sit and hear her sing” (3.1.218). Though she appears in this play for not even 3 pages, she speaks to the ideal position for a married woman, one of honor, respect, and submission on both ends. This is contrasting to the marriage of Lady Percy and Hotspur. Lady Percy refuses to sing for him and it is as though he makes a mockery of the singing itself. The men are then rushed out to their battlefield, but Mortimer’s final lines of this scene reverberate his honor for his wife as he rises and says to his wife “with all my heart” (262).
Lady Mortimer further raises thoughts on the issue of honor. What is honor and how is it played out in men and women’s lives? This paper will argue that for men honor comes in his reputation and word as a warrior. For women, honor comes through sexuality-chastity. However, it is thus argued that Lady Mortimer furthers a woman’s honor in her sexuality as wife. This scene, explicitly sexual, shows great honor between man and wife. Though Mortimer does not understand his wife’s language he does “understand thy kisses, and thou mine” (3.1.200). He is not hesitant in giving her- her request to “lay you down/ And rest your gentle head upon her lap” (3.1.209-210). Lady Mortimer contains much honor and is thus honored in her sexuality.
At the furthest end of the spectrum Shakespeare creates Mistress Quickly. The first mentioning of her in Henry IV is explicitly sexual: “and is not my Hostess of the tavern a most sweet wench?.../Why, what a pox have I to do with my Hostess of the tavern? /Well thou hast called her to a reckoning many a times and oft” (1.2.35-6, 42-45). The footnote gives the reader the insight that a pox was plague or syphilis. Thus, Mistress Quickly is the opposite of women that fall in the category of Lady Percy. Mistress Quickly is the anti-pious and chaste woman. In fact, Falstaff spends a great deal of time slandering her sexuality, womanhood, and position as a wife (3.3.101-104). When he is called on his folly by the Prince he gives a general apology and asks for breakfast. He does not make amends for his slanderous comments. Thus, Mistress Quickly, because she is categorized as sexually unchaste and improper, is not taken seriously.
From the three women viewed, Lady Percy, Lady Mortimer, and Mistress Quickly, what is to be gleaned from all the generalizations and categories, and most of all, the relative places of women, is that there is no one place or characterization that is absolute. Women posses many faces, charms and flaws. Women have been categorized as anything from a nun to a whore. Shakespeare neither demonizes nor praises the flaws and ideals of these women, rather he uses them as a source for entertainment, enjoyment, observation and learning. Shakespeare never says all women should be one way or another. Rather he creates characters for the audience to judge and to use to critique society. With every play, with every new word and stanza Shakespeare offers an opportunity to learn and be entertained. This paper has been devoted to categorizing women in three ways, the pious, submissive housewife, the ideal position of a woman in marriage, and the promiscuous woman. Shakespeare’s characters will live on as long as his works still exist. Interpretations of them may remain the same or change as a new reader grabs hold of the text. Generalizations and categories will be defined and redefined until human beings can no longer speak and communicate. Women will constantly change faces and roles throughout the course of time. In years past there were no women admitted to the Naval Academy and in a few short months I will be there with other honorable women. The times are constantly changing. But what will remain constant is that there will always be enjoyment and much to learn about women so long as there is access to Shakespeare’s plays.
With Arms Stretched Wide
Looking in the mirror, I can honestly say that I am happy with who I see. This calm assurance is not out of arrogance in my own personality; in fact, it is the result of the humbling I feel daily. This is caused by the wonderful people who have supported me and elected me to serve my country. As I look back over my life and see this gift of acceptance and love, I want to share its fruit with others. Speaking specifically about a positive impact that I have had on another person, I will share an experience I had with a child named Eddie. Eddie is an eight year old child who was born with many complications; most specifically damaging was an addiction to crack. His foster mom has sent Eddie to Arrowhead Lutheran Camp (a camp that I love and have attended as a student for over fifteen years and counselor for the last 3 years).
Eddie is difficult to control at times. He does not take to discipline or construction well. He is also sensitive to changing surroundings and often cannot control his body movements. The new counselors were assigned his camp for the week; and I was assigned elsewhere this year. After the first day, the new counselors came to the staff meeting with deep concerns. Knowing my heart and love for Eddie, my boss approached me about becoming a counselor for his group. Eddie’s foster mom said that Eddie had become increasingly difficult and violent. When I stepped into the new camp, I informed current counselors that it was my goal not to undermine their authority, but to work together as a team. The rest of the week ran smoothly and Eddie had few problems. I thought this was amusing, but I did not realize the weight of what I was doing for him. Though his eight year old mind had many developmental complications he still knew that he was a part of the group as well as an individual who was deeply valued. Eddie knew my reactions towards him were genuine, as I would not react strangely when he could not control his bodily functions or movements. Without being singled out, Eddie saw that I helped him become a part of the group. Whenever he could not control his movements, we made each situation into the game. Though this is not something that anyone could put into proper words, the impact I had on his life was that he was loved and accepted, not because he was “special”, but because he really was wonderful and indeed special.
He came back three more weeks for camp. The last time I saw him he was crying. He handed me a pink piece of paper with a picture that he drew of himself with his arms stretched wide reading: “I love you this much. I will miss you.” I still have the picture. This is a reminder of how I impacted someone’s life, but more importantly, the realization of how much he impacted mine. I have been blessed with the heart to want to continually give to others so that they can be blessed as much as I feel I am blessed. I hold much energy that at times shocks me. Tireless nights, frustrating situations turn into a joy as long as someone benefits from the situation. I can handle disappointment well, for at the end of the day I am content with who I am. I take my disappointments not as a dead end road, but merely a detour from which to learn. Thus, I am brought back to thoughts of Eddie. Whenever I am tired of giving, I think back to when I was tired with him. During those tired times he managed to give me energy to continue to love. Whenever I am frustrated, I remember my frustration at camp when I wanted so badly for him to grow like the other kids were growing from our programs. I remember the way his little face would light up every time I told him I was proud of him. All Eddie needed was to know that someone cared about him.
Eddie taught me a lesson of love, trust, and care. He taught me that no matter how old or independent we get, someone else’s belief in us is something we all need. Eddie was a difficult child, but like so many of us all he needed was someone to show him what he is worth, and that people really did care about him.
This is a lesson I think about constantly when I think about my position at NAPS and soon at the Academy. I wanted to write this essay because at the heart of it is the lesson of servitude and love. The Navy Motto is honor, courage, and commitment. Throughout our career as Naval Men and Women we are going to have to deal with many difficult and delicate situations. Eddie may appear to be just a little boy, but he was far more than that. He was and is the constant reminder of the fruits and the labors of servitude and love. If we could constantly keep this attitude, could you imagine how much better the world would be? This is my hope that every day I could live in service to my fellow Americans and country, so that they too can walk down the streets with confidence and with joy and that they can be free to love.
Into the Looking Glass…
You may look, but you may never touch
Portfolio By: Julia Kaelberer
Lt Chu
English 12
6 May 2005
Table of Contents Page
The Eternal Blossom in the Fishbowl 2-5
The Storybook Life: Read in-Between the Lines 6-8
The Many Faces of Woman 9-13
With Arms Stretched Wide 14-16
Works Cited 17
The Eternal Blossom in the Fishbowl
As I reflect about myself I see that my story is vastly deeper and profoundly richer than a simple phrase or even these few pages. This essay is a story of an independent girl who never knew the peace she could find in solitude. It is this uncertainty that drives me to my faith. As this essay progresses though, you must know that to read on is to take a risk. Edgar Allen Poe did not write with the same positive tone as Emily Dickenson. My tale does have a grim side, just like that of The Fall of the House of Usher, but it also has hope, just like a Dickenson poem would. The Dickenson poem I best embody is one titled Tell all truth, but tell it slant. Dickenson writes,
Tell all the Truth but tell it slant--
Success in Circuit lies
Too bright for our infirm Delight
The Truth's superb surprise
As Lightning to the Children eased
With explanation kind
The Truth must dazzle gradually
Or every man be blind-
I guess one could say Dickenson and I have a lot in common. She was a very private person. But when her tales were revealed people were more than amazed. Are you ready to plunge into the private depths of my soul? This is the story of Midshipman Candidate Kaelberer, the young girl who is known by her sister as “My Lei of Love.”
I have found that distance has become one of my greatest challenges thus far. As you read this story it is not all gold and glory. Growing up as a Pastor’s daughter, I have had my fair share of travel. One could say transitioning from the life of a Pastor’s kid to the life of a Naval Officer would not be a challenge as far as moving goes. Switching in and out of 5 or 6 different schools gave me experiences with having to face the lonely times. Once I became comfortable in my new environment I was ripped from all that was familiar and thrown once again into a new situation. The one thing I did have though was my sister, my very best friend in the entire world.
My childhood was not picture perfect like the Kodak family you may see mounted on my wall. I lived in a fishbowl. People would tell me what to think, where to go, how to act, and what was moral and immoral. For the first few conscious years of my life I tried to gently tell people, “I am Julia and this is the way that I am.” People refused to see me as anything but what they wanted to see. There were three people in my life who accepted me for who I was. Those people were my Mom, Dad, and sister. After countless conversations of “Young Julia you must not do this. Young Julia, you better wear a skirt to church. Young Julia you cannot hang out with that girl. Pastor’s daughters cannot hang out with girls like that” I decided that the fight was futile. After trying to tell people that there is a lot more to life than what we just see on the surface, I decided to fight it no more. I kept silence. I became like Emily Dickenson. I locked my voice inside my soul. No one was allowed to enter there. For to allow them to enter would cause too much hurt. My thoughts and my soul can be compared to a rose. People refused see the beauty and the bloom of my rose, but rather they chose to see the thorns. It hurt me more than anything that they could not accept me for who I was.
There was one person though who refused to stay shut out of my life. My sister could see inside of my soul regardless of what I did or did not say. In fact, it came to the point where at the age of about 4 my sister would finish my sentences for me. My sister, for example could always tell what I was thinking, she knew when I was sad, she knew when I was angry, and she knew when I was in love. We had always had this bond that allowed each of us to help the other, no matter what the circumstance. There were very few times that I had to speak, for my sister would take care of me. As I think back to these past 15 years, I see just how that silence has been my solitude. I realize that I need that solitude because it defined who I was. It was and is the one place I could and can now escape the fishbowl. In my solitude I am free from judgment, free from shame, and free from vulnerability.
As I have lived this last year at NAPS I have seen in many ways that I am still in the fishbowl. I have also seen that life cannot be entirely free from vulnerability. I have always been an independent person. This year has been a challenge. Excited about the challenge of living on my own, I did not realize the difficulty I would experience in being separated from my sister, the very person who used to be my voice and finish my thoughts for me. For my entire life she protected me, shielded me, and loved me more tenaciously than anyone I have seen. Now, I stand alone. I stand among some of the brightest and most able minds of America. Now, I must be challenged to speak and write. Now I must be vulnerable. I must write to you and reveal myself. My fear is that you, reader will laugh and scorn me. My fear is that you can read my words and use them against me. My fear is that you can tear down my soul. In years past it was simple to jot down a few superficial thoughts and pass by. Now I am being challenged to go a little bit deeper. You asked me to allow you to look into my soul, to truly see how I write? Anais Nin wrote “Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” To understand my writing style is to understand me. Glance into this fishbowl and you will see an eternal blossom. I have many layers, many fragrances, and all I ask is that you take me as I am. My silence was the bud, but now I see that the blossom that comes with being vulnerable is much richer than those that come from being safe. There will come a time when men and women in my platoon may need to know those thoughts. Their very lives may depend on me. Do I still have insecurities when I write or when I voice my thoughts? Yes, we all battle one insecurity or another. But as I mentioned before I can best be compared to a rose. It is truth I am blossoming, but this glorious sight does not come without its thorns. This light has to be slighted. Time and circumstance have to grow and shape me. I must not let vulnerability deter me any longer. It is truth that I stand here alone. I no longer have my sister as a crutch, but I now understand that it is alright to accept myself. There will always be the risk of people taking my words and my writings and tear them apart. But as you see this fear, I hope you see that it is my passion that drives me. My fear of the risk to bloom lasted for nearly 15 years, but as my bud is blossoming, I see that my growth had to be gradual, for just as my late kin Dickenson said the truth of my soul might be “too bright for our infirm delight.”
The Storybook Life: Read in-Between the Lines
Dear Sissy,
I just thought that I would write to you and hopefully come up with some good ideas for my English paper, or rather, self reflective essay. It seems like the only way that I can write is if I am sitting down to either write a journal or an email, and so I figured I would make this like both of them. Writing is like being able to flip the pages that we’ve written back and see just what it is we have done. It is what we have done that shows that we lived our lives to the fullest. The mistakes we have made, though often times I know we would all love to forget them. The loves we’ve shared, the friends we’ve met, the heart aches we’ve encountered. Beth, I read the most beautiful thing that brought all these aspects together. This quote is all about love. Each person seems to go through life searching for that which is indescribable - love. That word is so small, so simple, and yet so powerful. It’s almost as though love itself defines a person. My life has been shaped by love. All the mistakes, the friends, the heartaches, all rounded with love. You can see how a person’s heart can change in an instance; sometimes it’s almost as though a light switch is being flipped and a new current is flowing through their being. As I reflect on myself, I think back to those specific mistakes that I have made or the certain joys that I have shared with many, including you, but sharing one story would not do me justice. For I have found, that I have been given the greatest gift in love. Life in general is much like a story book, but if you think about that, people are the ones who write the stories in those books, they are the ones who make up the happy endings. They are the ones who tell you to read in-between the lines. I want to share now with you the quote I was talking about before.
Sooner or later we begin to understand that love is more than verses on valentines and romance in the movies. We begin to know that love is here and now, real and true, the most important thing in our lives. For love is the creator of our favourite memories and the foundation of our fondest dreams. Love is a promise that is always kept, a fortune that can never be spent, a seed that can flourish in even the most unlikely of places. And this radiance that never fades, this mysterious and magical joy, is the greatest treasure of all - one known only by those who love.
~ Author Unknown
You see, my sister, I have been given this gift of love. I have found love from friends, family, lovers, and even that random stranger who smiles to let me know that it’s ok to smile, because life is just that sweet. These people are the ones who despite what is truly going on, can make you feel better. Love is an everyday existence, an act and not a mere feeling. These are people like you my dear sister. People who can stop and make you think about what you are doing and when you are doing it. The ones that matter give you a reason to change. Though it seems like you are the way you are because that’s what you’ve grown into, the truth lies solely in those that surround you. They are like the leaves that give you the ability to breathe, the sun that feeds you, the water that nourishes you, the roots that keep you safe and strong, the pigment that makes your life all the more bright. I know this has been true for me.
It is through the love of others that you can truly show who you are, because the ones you love and who love you are not asking you to love them. They are not telling you to act or look perfectly when they laugh with you over silly jokes. Those people do not require you to smile all the time when your heart is breaking. When you share a love relationship (and love can come in many shapes and forms) it’s almost as though you catch onto who they are. You adapt so that you and they can live. You overcome the cold, you use your thorns to protect you. You somehow outlast the nasty winter.
In a few short weeks I will stand with my peers, my colleagues, and my brothers and sisters of the Navy. This is no light occasion. It is times like these and circumstances like these that bring people to profound introspection. As I reflect about myself I see that my story is vastly deeper and profoundly richer than a simple phrase or even these few pages. I feel blessed to be able to find integrity in these people. Their commitment and charge encourage me. But what keeps me going, what outlasts it all is the love that I share with you and so many others. Your love got me through InDoc. Your love is getting me through this paper. In fact, I think I have my personal reflective essay right here, for to know me is to know love.
I look forward to hearing from you again soon. Thank you for all your letters, especially as I have been away this entire year. I know that life will be different from here on out, but just trust that I stand on this principle of love. I am no longer the little girl who used to rest in your shadow. You would be surprised at the shadows I cast. Just trust that I surround myself with people who love. You and I both know nothing is as powerful. I love you sissy!
M/C Kaelberer
(Your sister Julia)
The Many Faces of Woman
In Henry IV, Shakespeare explores a vast spectrum of generalizations of woman from the traditional, domesticated, submissive housewife, to the ideal woman in marriage, to the anti-pious bar wench in the tavern. By offering such a wide range of women within one play it is difficult to pin down the exact opinion Shakespeare holds about women’s place in society. Further Shakespeare complicates this matter of the woman’s role in society as he marginalizes the three female characters in Henry IV (Part 1). However, this expansive range of characters does offer free and liberal views and interpretations of a woman’s place in society. Shakespeare does something very important with this; he does not force his opinion, nor claim one way of society, rather he creates a forum that speaks to the many facets of women in his society. His living text is not limited to his day; he gives readers throughout time this same opportunity. Though Henry IV offers little textual breadth when it comes to the dialogue of these women, the minimal words he selects does not limit the fact that there is no such thing as one type of woman. There are indeed many faces to woman.
Starting at the traditional, submissive housewife end of the spectrum, Shakespeare brings to life Lady Percy, the wife of the rash and impetuous Hotspur. Before observing how Shakespeare does this it is first important to define what is meant by traditional, submissive housewife. Woman of Shakespeare’s day were to be subordinate to their husbands. They very much stuck to the Pauline theory of “Women, submit to your husbands. The traditional, submissive housewife is here being defined as just that, the woman who is to submit to her husband. It is in his nature and right to be the head of the household. His word is final. He takes the active role in the outside world. Woman is limited to the household. Notice how Lady Percy is not featured in the courts, the tavern, or even the last scene where all the characters are joined. In fact there are no women present. Thus as Lady Percy is viewed it is evident that the minimal presence of women in the text reflects their marginalization in society. In her dialogue with Hotspur, the reader catches a glimpse of this limitation as he dismisses her wants and opinions. He entraps her into the place of the home, but moreover into a place of submission. The last part of their dialogue is as follows: “Not an inch further. But hark you, Kate. Wither I go, thither you shall go too. Today will I set forth, tomorrow you. / Will this content you Kate? / (Lady Percy) It must, of force” (2.4.105-109). Hotspur commands his wife. He tells her where and when she can go, thus defining and commanding her position and space. She acknowledges this command with “it must, of force”, knowing her place in this society as well as her inability to fight it. She has no power to overcome the rule of her husband.
Lady Percy further serves as an example of the common thought that women were rash, emotionally and intellectually unstable creatures. During that time women were also seen as the weaker vessels. Though this is ironic, as Hotspur is a rash character himself, he speaks to the characteristic of a loose, untrusting, and unstable mind of his wife saying “I know you wise, but yet no farther wise/ Than Harry Percy’s wife; constant you are, / But yet a woman; and for secrecy/ No lady closer, for I well believe/ thought wilt not utter what thou dost not know” (2.5.98-103). This quote shows the great mistrust men had for women, as they believed that women could not keep secrets. Hotspur directly says to her, you cannot spill a secret that you do not know, so I will not tell you. This point can also relate back to women being the weaker vessel. Hotspur asserts his superior knowledge over her, making her the weaker vessel. As the weaker vessel she has no choice but to submit and be silenced by her husband.
The character of Lady Mortimer is complicated as her dialogue is not inked under her name. Language becomes a barrier for this. However, Glyndwr translates for her. This translation shows how she exhibits the ideal position of a married woman. She makes request of him to honor her sexually “She bids you on the wanton rushes lay you down/ And rest your gentle head upon her lap, / and she will sing the song that pleaseth you…” (3.1.209-211). His response to her request is “With all my heart, Ill sit and hear her sing” (3.1.218). Though she appears in this play for not even 3 pages, she speaks to the ideal position for a married woman, one of honor, respect, and submission on both ends. This is contrasting to the marriage of Lady Percy and Hotspur. Lady Percy refuses to sing for him and it is as though he makes a mockery of the singing itself. The men are then rushed out to their battlefield, but Mortimer’s final lines of this scene reverberate his honor for his wife as he rises and says to his wife “with all my heart” (262).
Lady Mortimer further raises thoughts on the issue of honor. What is honor and how is it played out in men and women’s lives? This paper will argue that for men honor comes in his reputation and word as a warrior. For women, honor comes through sexuality-chastity. However, it is thus argued that Lady Mortimer furthers a woman’s honor in her sexuality as wife. This scene, explicitly sexual, shows great honor between man and wife. Though Mortimer does not understand his wife’s language he does “understand thy kisses, and thou mine” (3.1.200). He is not hesitant in giving her- her request to “lay you down/ And rest your gentle head upon her lap” (3.1.209-210). Lady Mortimer contains much honor and is thus honored in her sexuality.
At the furthest end of the spectrum Shakespeare creates Mistress Quickly. The first mentioning of her in Henry IV is explicitly sexual: “and is not my Hostess of the tavern a most sweet wench?.../Why, what a pox have I to do with my Hostess of the tavern? /Well thou hast called her to a reckoning many a times and oft” (1.2.35-6, 42-45). The footnote gives the reader the insight that a pox was plague or syphilis. Thus, Mistress Quickly is the opposite of women that fall in the category of Lady Percy. Mistress Quickly is the anti-pious and chaste woman. In fact, Falstaff spends a great deal of time slandering her sexuality, womanhood, and position as a wife (3.3.101-104). When he is called on his folly by the Prince he gives a general apology and asks for breakfast. He does not make amends for his slanderous comments. Thus, Mistress Quickly, because she is categorized as sexually unchaste and improper, is not taken seriously.
From the three women viewed, Lady Percy, Lady Mortimer, and Mistress Quickly, what is to be gleaned from all the generalizations and categories, and most of all, the relative places of women, is that there is no one place or characterization that is absolute. Women posses many faces, charms and flaws. Women have been categorized as anything from a nun to a whore. Shakespeare neither demonizes nor praises the flaws and ideals of these women, rather he uses them as a source for entertainment, enjoyment, observation and learning. Shakespeare never says all women should be one way or another. Rather he creates characters for the audience to judge and to use to critique society. With every play, with every new word and stanza Shakespeare offers an opportunity to learn and be entertained. This paper has been devoted to categorizing women in three ways, the pious, submissive housewife, the ideal position of a woman in marriage, and the promiscuous woman. Shakespeare’s characters will live on as long as his works still exist. Interpretations of them may remain the same or change as a new reader grabs hold of the text. Generalizations and categories will be defined and redefined until human beings can no longer speak and communicate. Women will constantly change faces and roles throughout the course of time. In years past there were no women admitted to the Naval Academy and in a few short months I will be there with other honorable women. The times are constantly changing. But what will remain constant is that there will always be enjoyment and much to learn about women so long as there is access to Shakespeare’s plays.
With Arms Stretched Wide
Looking in the mirror, I can honestly say that I am happy with who I see. This calm assurance is not out of arrogance in my own personality; in fact, it is the result of the humbling I feel daily. This is caused by the wonderful people who have supported me and elected me to serve my country. As I look back over my life and see this gift of acceptance and love, I want to share its fruit with others. Speaking specifically about a positive impact that I have had on another person, I will share an experience I had with a child named Eddie. Eddie is an eight year old child who was born with many complications; most specifically damaging was an addiction to crack. His foster mom has sent Eddie to Arrowhead Lutheran Camp (a camp that I love and have attended as a student for over fifteen years and counselor for the last 3 years).
Eddie is difficult to control at times. He does not take to discipline or construction well. He is also sensitive to changing surroundings and often cannot control his body movements. The new counselors were assigned his camp for the week; and I was assigned elsewhere this year. After the first day, the new counselors came to the staff meeting with deep concerns. Knowing my heart and love for Eddie, my boss approached me about becoming a counselor for his group. Eddie’s foster mom said that Eddie had become increasingly difficult and violent. When I stepped into the new camp, I informed current counselors that it was my goal not to undermine their authority, but to work together as a team. The rest of the week ran smoothly and Eddie had few problems. I thought this was amusing, but I did not realize the weight of what I was doing for him. Though his eight year old mind had many developmental complications he still knew that he was a part of the group as well as an individual who was deeply valued. Eddie knew my reactions towards him were genuine, as I would not react strangely when he could not control his bodily functions or movements. Without being singled out, Eddie saw that I helped him become a part of the group. Whenever he could not control his movements, we made each situation into the game. Though this is not something that anyone could put into proper words, the impact I had on his life was that he was loved and accepted, not because he was “special”, but because he really was wonderful and indeed special.
He came back three more weeks for camp. The last time I saw him he was crying. He handed me a pink piece of paper with a picture that he drew of himself with his arms stretched wide reading: “I love you this much. I will miss you.” I still have the picture. This is a reminder of how I impacted someone’s life, but more importantly, the realization of how much he impacted mine. I have been blessed with the heart to want to continually give to others so that they can be blessed as much as I feel I am blessed. I hold much energy that at times shocks me. Tireless nights, frustrating situations turn into a joy as long as someone benefits from the situation. I can handle disappointment well, for at the end of the day I am content with who I am. I take my disappointments not as a dead end road, but merely a detour from which to learn. Thus, I am brought back to thoughts of Eddie. Whenever I am tired of giving, I think back to when I was tired with him. During those tired times he managed to give me energy to continue to love. Whenever I am frustrated, I remember my frustration at camp when I wanted so badly for him to grow like the other kids were growing from our programs. I remember the way his little face would light up every time I told him I was proud of him. All Eddie needed was to know that someone cared about him.
Eddie taught me a lesson of love, trust, and care. He taught me that no matter how old or independent we get, someone else’s belief in us is something we all need. Eddie was a difficult child, but like so many of us all he needed was someone to show him what he is worth, and that people really did care about him.
This is a lesson I think about constantly when I think about my position at NAPS and soon at the Academy. I wanted to write this essay because at the heart of it is the lesson of servitude and love. The Navy Motto is honor, courage, and commitment. Throughout our career as Naval Men and Women we are going to have to deal with many difficult and delicate situations. Eddie may appear to be just a little boy, but he was far more than that. He was and is the constant reminder of the fruits and the labors of servitude and love. If we could constantly keep this attitude, could you imagine how much better the world would be? This is my hope that every day I could live in service to my fellow Americans and country, so that they too can walk down the streets with confidence and with joy and that they can be free to love.