(no subject)
i never thought myself to be optomistic. i would have liked to have thought myself to be a realist. it seams to be though that i am mistaken. i seam to think the best of people and then feel hurt when i realized maybe people just do not care. within the last year there have been maybe 3 people i felt strongly about who let me down. there was patch who i fell for more then one could ever believe. i am still pretty sure i could have spent the rest of my life with him and probably would have stayed happy because of how he made me feel about myself. after he promised me he would stay with me and only be with me, he just decided, hey u know what, i guess i dont like her. hes now back with his ex girlfriend. then out of nowhere, adam came into the scene. we built a strong friendship and then it seams it turned into more then friends and after HE kisses me, he decides to not want me. by a source, i was told he was falling for me too much and since hes moving, he didnt want to get into a relationship or sum kinda bullshit along thous lines. but then there is still me, here alone, already gave out all that i had to these boys who i thought, by sum strange feeling, that would want to be with me. now im 20 years old. ive never "been in love" but im sure that one would believe that if it existed, i wouldnt keep getting hurt. it seams not though. i still think that maybe i can find someone who would want to be with me and want me for who i am and not just want to use me for all im worth. because i can drink, and have partaken in sum questionable things, doesnt mean i am emotionless and do not feel anything. it might be hard to believe that i am naive enough to think that people are supposed to care about you because you are human. i seam to be wrong though. people care about themselves and there lives and if u dont seam to fit into a nice little package people want to see, then you cant possibly get close to anyone. and my last failed attempt of emotion is going to stay nameless. he treats me like shit but then knows how to make me want him. we stay friends because god forbid either of us talk about the fact we enjoy the company of eachother and that we are comfortable around one another. and it hurts that maybe i dont meet his standards so instead of us being together, we just act like friends. friends who over the last 11 months, have hooked up numerous times, who can cuddle when no one is looking, who are soo fucking considerate of eachother but yet whenever emotion is talked about between us, we get weird. but if we are around eachother, we are touching in a comforting way. and now i seam to have made another mistake with a boy. i misjudged his character. i thought, u know what, trust him, maybe hes unlike the rest of this ugly world and maybe u wont regret him. well it seams once again i am alone and the other day, when i was a mess because i didnt want to be alone because my father was in the hospitle after having a heartattack and needing to have surgery immediatly, i had no one. and felt foolish because i would give all i could to so many, and yet no one is willing to spend one day, over one minute to care or follow up to see how i was. and im not bitter, im just stupid it seams.