if you walk away, i'll walk away.
But I'm driven by a passion, is it only there to tame?
It seems that in this crazy bliss I have, once again, lost my head and a huge chunk of my common sense. In this joy, I have lost sight of a few things I learned in the past few years. It is alwasy easy to let the moment and good old feelings of happiness and life get in the way of what I've had no other choice but to learn. I've always been a fool when it comes to love, life, and happiness...the worst kind. But, I refuse to stand behind the words "this is what I am," and never make an effort to change. I have many reasons to try and to put all of this effort into things. And, if nothing ever changes, this will never work out and I am aware of that. The amount of effort I am putting into a lot of things right now, it seems, isn't being reciprocated. I try to understand. But in some cases, this causes me to start to back off, and then the idea of progress begins to feels hopeless.
Tell me, what I want and need to know is, how much is too much? How little is not enough? Where is the line, and how am I ever to find a balance by myself? How do I open up myself when I don't feel I am worthy of being opened up to? I can only put so much of myself out there before expecting people to meet me half way, or at least out on the road somewhere. How do I let go of someone just enough to let them live the life they want, give them freedom, and let them feel not smothered, without letting go of them too much and losing them?
I cannot let so many of the little things get to me. I cannot drown myself in such petty things. I cannot let my own happiness and peace of mind be so dependent on the actions and words (or lack thereof) of others.
Yes, some situatons take a lot more effort than others, usually due to distance, differences, stubborn personalities and God knows what else. I understand that now. But, once again, it all comes back to that good old debate of how much is too much and how little is not enough.
The past few days, Dar Williams has made me sing at the top of my lungs and even, a few times, cry. Funny, I used to consider myself a real teen of God. I really never thought that could change, but it has, and unlike her song, I don't quite feel betrayed. I feel like the one committing the betrayal, not to God, but to my family and myself. I will never stop believing in God, but something that was once there is now gone. I don't know if it was Iris dying or just this summer or what, but I've found myself doubting a lot and suddenly opening my eyes to things I never wanted to fully see before.
So this new, tired version of me has decided to stop trying so much at some things that are just not in her hands. I cannot keep people from feeling distant or cold. I cannot force people to trust me, love me, open up to me or want to talk to me. I, also, cannot expect to put in the effort required on my part, plus a good chunk of someone else's.
The truth is, I am in love with life and with a boy and I am, for the most part, happy. I don't know how everything will turn out, but I cannot let my own well-being and happiness depend so much on people. I've learned this lesson before, and it is time I start using my previous knowledge in my current life.
It seems that in this crazy bliss I have, once again, lost my head and a huge chunk of my common sense. In this joy, I have lost sight of a few things I learned in the past few years. It is alwasy easy to let the moment and good old feelings of happiness and life get in the way of what I've had no other choice but to learn. I've always been a fool when it comes to love, life, and happiness...the worst kind. But, I refuse to stand behind the words "this is what I am," and never make an effort to change. I have many reasons to try and to put all of this effort into things. And, if nothing ever changes, this will never work out and I am aware of that. The amount of effort I am putting into a lot of things right now, it seems, isn't being reciprocated. I try to understand. But in some cases, this causes me to start to back off, and then the idea of progress begins to feels hopeless.
Tell me, what I want and need to know is, how much is too much? How little is not enough? Where is the line, and how am I ever to find a balance by myself? How do I open up myself when I don't feel I am worthy of being opened up to? I can only put so much of myself out there before expecting people to meet me half way, or at least out on the road somewhere. How do I let go of someone just enough to let them live the life they want, give them freedom, and let them feel not smothered, without letting go of them too much and losing them?
I cannot let so many of the little things get to me. I cannot drown myself in such petty things. I cannot let my own happiness and peace of mind be so dependent on the actions and words (or lack thereof) of others.
Yes, some situatons take a lot more effort than others, usually due to distance, differences, stubborn personalities and God knows what else. I understand that now. But, once again, it all comes back to that good old debate of how much is too much and how little is not enough.
The past few days, Dar Williams has made me sing at the top of my lungs and even, a few times, cry. Funny, I used to consider myself a real teen of God. I really never thought that could change, but it has, and unlike her song, I don't quite feel betrayed. I feel like the one committing the betrayal, not to God, but to my family and myself. I will never stop believing in God, but something that was once there is now gone. I don't know if it was Iris dying or just this summer or what, but I've found myself doubting a lot and suddenly opening my eyes to things I never wanted to fully see before.
So this new, tired version of me has decided to stop trying so much at some things that are just not in her hands. I cannot keep people from feeling distant or cold. I cannot force people to trust me, love me, open up to me or want to talk to me. I, also, cannot expect to put in the effort required on my part, plus a good chunk of someone else's.
The truth is, I am in love with life and with a boy and I am, for the most part, happy. I don't know how everything will turn out, but I cannot let my own well-being and happiness depend so much on people. I've learned this lesson before, and it is time I start using my previous knowledge in my current life.