turning black
I.am.tired.of.settling.
That is the honest to God truth as to why I chose daniel over Christopher. I know that, if I hadn't, I would've regretted it and I am a firm believer in that people should not make choices they know they will later regret.
Christopher was always an amazing friend. I always knew I could call him if I woke up in the middle of the night and freaked out about something. I always knew I could cry and rant and he would listen to me and comfort me and do everything in his power to make me laugh. It is hard to walk away from that, but I could have never made him as happy as he deserves to be. We are two different kinds of people, with very similar hearts but such different souls. I would have never wanted to be with Christopher knowing that he was my second choice. He does not deserve that shit. And as hard as it was for me to admit it for a while, my heart does and has belonged to daniel.
I'll be the first to admit that I didn't want to feel this way. I didn't want to still have such strong feelings for a boy who had hurt me so much in the past, and who I never thought would ever stop running. But, as we started talking again, I realized that he had matured. I also realized how real my feelings are for daniel and how stupid it is to try to shove that sort of thing deep into yourself and lock it in there. It only leaves you feeling apathetic and broken inside.
While Christopher made me feel comforted, daniel makes me feel at home. I tried. I tried really fucking hard to make Christopher feel like home, because I wanted him to be. But as the saying goes, there really is no place like home, and as hard as you try to convince your mind that something else is the real thing...your heart always knows the truth. Christopher was definitely something though, something great in such a way no one really ever has been before. He was the ultimate friend I never wanted to lose but, because of that, have lost.
It's hard to deal with that realization. I've lost so many people these past few weeks it's beginning to feel a little unbearable. Iris is gone, Christopher is gone, a few others are...going.
And I'm beginning to feel as if God's been gone for a while now, too.
That is the honest to God truth as to why I chose daniel over Christopher. I know that, if I hadn't, I would've regretted it and I am a firm believer in that people should not make choices they know they will later regret.
Christopher was always an amazing friend. I always knew I could call him if I woke up in the middle of the night and freaked out about something. I always knew I could cry and rant and he would listen to me and comfort me and do everything in his power to make me laugh. It is hard to walk away from that, but I could have never made him as happy as he deserves to be. We are two different kinds of people, with very similar hearts but such different souls. I would have never wanted to be with Christopher knowing that he was my second choice. He does not deserve that shit. And as hard as it was for me to admit it for a while, my heart does and has belonged to daniel.
I'll be the first to admit that I didn't want to feel this way. I didn't want to still have such strong feelings for a boy who had hurt me so much in the past, and who I never thought would ever stop running. But, as we started talking again, I realized that he had matured. I also realized how real my feelings are for daniel and how stupid it is to try to shove that sort of thing deep into yourself and lock it in there. It only leaves you feeling apathetic and broken inside.
While Christopher made me feel comforted, daniel makes me feel at home. I tried. I tried really fucking hard to make Christopher feel like home, because I wanted him to be. But as the saying goes, there really is no place like home, and as hard as you try to convince your mind that something else is the real thing...your heart always knows the truth. Christopher was definitely something though, something great in such a way no one really ever has been before. He was the ultimate friend I never wanted to lose but, because of that, have lost.
It's hard to deal with that realization. I've lost so many people these past few weeks it's beginning to feel a little unbearable. Iris is gone, Christopher is gone, a few others are...going.
And I'm beginning to feel as if God's been gone for a while now, too.