(no subject)
Tom Cruise has lost his mind. The warning bells, ringing for months now, have finially
acquiesced to pure, unadulterated exacuation sirens.
For Cruise, this is irrelevant. In fact, you could say it's standard practice. You see, his current
body is just a space for rent. Like an apartment, or a booth at a flee market.
"I was much happier in previous existences when I wrote plays, composed music,
conquered nations, discovered continents and developed cures for diseases." he said at a press
conference. "I only took my present form because Bingodulla, whom all Scientologists worship as the
Supreme Thetan, slected me to spread the gospel of Scientology to the glib, uninformed masses."
That's all well and good Tom, but what about Katie? Surely, she too is glibly gliding along
with the rest of us.
"I know the history of this woman," he said. "Other people don't."
And when Tom says "history," he means it: "When I was languishing in prison before being
sent to exile, she used to send me notes hidden in the collar of her pug dog. She's my eternal
soulmate."
Why Cruise was languishing in prison is unclear. The pug, now reportedly living as a parrot
somewhere in the Mediterranean, could not be reached to authenticate the story. And if any of the
local pugs I interviewed for this story know anything, they're no talking. Then again, hundreds of
years could have passed since Tom's telegrammed trysts behind bars. With today's technology, and
the advent of instant messaging, pugs no longer need to be skilled in the ancient art of note passing.
Advantage Cruise. How can we dismiss his story if we can't prove it? And what if he's right?
What if the joke's on us?
"Untill you've been with a partner in countless past lives, you'll never know the joy of
rediscovering that partner in you present life. It's a joy I wish for all of you."
Sounds kind of glib, don't you think? I mean, I know Hessica Alba is my soulmate, and I
can't seem to get past her security. By the time I found the restraining order tucked under her Shitzu's
collaar it was becoming obvious she just didn't recognize me out of uniform (I was once a high
ranking Roman soilder)
So now, my Alba-lessness is tantamount to joylessness and I don't know what to do.
You see, I remember how Cruise criticized Brooke Shields for seeing a psychiatrist and
taking anti-depresseants to ocercome her post-atal depression. As it turns out he's known Shields for
a while too. And let me tell you, according to Tom, he could tell you some stories.
"She was the mistress of Sigmund Freud, you know. Is it any wonder she promotes his
discredited theories? She's so confuised."
Brooke Shields and Sigmund Freud. Who knew? Well, I guess Tom did. After all he was
there.
And I know one thing. I have to find that pug-parrot
Like common! This is really from a newspaper/magazine called 24 Hours. That gave me a good laugh.