(no subject)
stress has been my life lately.
i'm applying for this really prestegious fashion show for the begining of next year.
i'm nervous, but i'm really excited.
i have this feeling that my aunt, uncle, and cousins have something against me.
i don't really understand why. maybe they think i;m strange. they only live in CT
and i've tried to get to know them a little better, or atleast act like family.
no matter what i do, they're cold to me. it really makes me sad. most of the time,
i laugh at it. make fun of the situation. right now, it just hurts.
i feel like my whole life is becoming a lie. i don't want that.
i still have no one in my life that's remotely close.
all my close friends either decide they hate me, or move away.
i'm sick of making new friends.
i've been watching how i eat. i've been trying to eat better.
i've been trying to watch my smoking. and i was doing well for a while.
then i started watching my food. one thing at a time, one thing at a time.
i'm interviewing for a job tomorrow. it's a waitressing job. up to 200 in
tips a night. i hope it works out. so far, i don't do well in jobs for one
reason or another. i'm still trying to figure out why.
i got a plane ticket to go back to missouri for thanksgiving.
it was just a better option then staying alone in new york.
i don't think i could handle a holiday alone in my room.
i'd rather be with my mother whom i dislike at the moment.
i guess this is a funk... it happens.
i'm poor and getting poorer, i hope i get this new job.
ever just want to break down in tears for no reason?
that's where i'm at at the moment. no reason for it,
that's why i can't actually cry. i need to see a really heartbreaking movie and
just let it all out, whatever IT may be.
i look cute in my make-up. someday soon, i'll get pictures up here
with how i really look right now. that would be fun.
i went drinking last night with two of my roommates and a friend.
i've reverted to my uncomfortable concervative self. it all has to do with
this stupid responsability of being an RA. i'm always worried about how i look.
i just want to be myself again. i was myself last year. the only year in my life
that i was. i miss it. i miss being uninhibited and fun. i'm just too goddamn afraid
of losing my job. i don't want to lose my job. but i don't like fiting into the mold
either. what the hell happened, huh?
so i've been celebate for 3 months. it's a long time. i miss sex, but
i have no intention of just going out and getting some. i did this for a reason,
and i'm waiting for someone i really care about, i'm just terrified out of my
mind that i'm going to get fucked over. i'm sick of pretending that i don't care.
i'm sick of pretending that i'm cool and not in need of some respect and love.
goddamn it - i deserve to be loved. to bad no one is interested. fuck that.
it seems like today, everything has just caught up with me.
all my fears, and sadness, and anxiety. i wish it would just disolve away.
i'm applying for this really prestegious fashion show for the begining of next year.
i'm nervous, but i'm really excited.
i have this feeling that my aunt, uncle, and cousins have something against me.
i don't really understand why. maybe they think i;m strange. they only live in CT
and i've tried to get to know them a little better, or atleast act like family.
no matter what i do, they're cold to me. it really makes me sad. most of the time,
i laugh at it. make fun of the situation. right now, it just hurts.
i feel like my whole life is becoming a lie. i don't want that.
i still have no one in my life that's remotely close.
all my close friends either decide they hate me, or move away.
i'm sick of making new friends.
i've been watching how i eat. i've been trying to eat better.
i've been trying to watch my smoking. and i was doing well for a while.
then i started watching my food. one thing at a time, one thing at a time.
i'm interviewing for a job tomorrow. it's a waitressing job. up to 200 in
tips a night. i hope it works out. so far, i don't do well in jobs for one
reason or another. i'm still trying to figure out why.
i got a plane ticket to go back to missouri for thanksgiving.
it was just a better option then staying alone in new york.
i don't think i could handle a holiday alone in my room.
i'd rather be with my mother whom i dislike at the moment.
i guess this is a funk... it happens.
i'm poor and getting poorer, i hope i get this new job.
ever just want to break down in tears for no reason?
that's where i'm at at the moment. no reason for it,
that's why i can't actually cry. i need to see a really heartbreaking movie and
just let it all out, whatever IT may be.
i look cute in my make-up. someday soon, i'll get pictures up here
with how i really look right now. that would be fun.
i went drinking last night with two of my roommates and a friend.
i've reverted to my uncomfortable concervative self. it all has to do with
this stupid responsability of being an RA. i'm always worried about how i look.
i just want to be myself again. i was myself last year. the only year in my life
that i was. i miss it. i miss being uninhibited and fun. i'm just too goddamn afraid
of losing my job. i don't want to lose my job. but i don't like fiting into the mold
either. what the hell happened, huh?
so i've been celebate for 3 months. it's a long time. i miss sex, but
i have no intention of just going out and getting some. i did this for a reason,
and i'm waiting for someone i really care about, i'm just terrified out of my
mind that i'm going to get fucked over. i'm sick of pretending that i don't care.
i'm sick of pretending that i'm cool and not in need of some respect and love.
goddamn it - i deserve to be loved. to bad no one is interested. fuck that.
it seems like today, everything has just caught up with me.
all my fears, and sadness, and anxiety. i wish it would just disolve away.