What if I have to do something wrong to make everything right?
What if I have to do something wrong, to make everything right? What if my happiness depends on whether or not I get what I want by doing something unfair? I am putting someone I care about in a horrible position for my own personal gain. I’m going against what I believe in, but what if this is the only way? What if the only way I will be able to ease my mind, and experience something I am longing to have…is to be the person I’m not sure that I can be. I’m not the kind of person that breaks up happy couples. That’s the role I seem to be playing now. I don’t want to be that person, for fear of rejection and fear of hurting the one person I feel I connect with. Everything has to be so complicated. Life is so complicated. I feel stupid for even thinking about being with him. I mean why would he break up with her to be with me? I’m just some girl. He’s been with her for about 2 years on and off. How am I supposed to compete with that? I know that we are meant to be…it’s just the matter of convincing him of this. I know he still cares about me. Whether his feelings for me are as strong as they used to be, that I am unsure of…but I do know that he is curious about us, and I know he still cares about me enough to consider what I am purposing. Uhhh…it’s just everything is so frustrating. I want to be with him. I’m not scared to admit that anymore. For the first time I know that this is what I want. But what if I am too late? I don’t want to mess this up again. I need to know if what we would have together would be as great as I think it will be. I want to know what it would be like to know that he is mine. I feel so incredibly stupid for letting him slip by me…3 times. I promised myself I would not make that same mistake again. I need to find out what this is. I need to be with him. I wish I could blame this all on him…but I know that’s not true. I wish I could blame this on the mistake I made with Josh…how I should have just stayed broken up with him. I pushed him away because of Josh and now…now I might never get the chance to be with him again. There are so many things going through my head right now…too many to explain. I just feel horrible about putting him through this again. Maybe I should just give up. But that is the last thing I want to do. I know that this is right; I know we are meant to be together. I think he is just settling for her. I know that sounds bad…but that’s how I feel. I told him how I felt…he didn’t really say much. Mostly I just felt uncomfortable and cried. I just wish he knew how much I feel for him, and how happy I could make him. He told me that he still cares about me I just wish that we could be together. I’m not saying that everything will work out…but I am saying that more than anything I want to try this. The connection we share is so deep…sometimes I think that he could read my mind. I’ve made mistakes. I know he has too…but I really want this. I want to live out my dream of being with him. I even miss talking to him. If he decides to stay with her…then I’ll try to be his friend. I can’t lose again. He means too much to me. Sometimes I regret the advice I gave him about his relationship with her. I started thinking that if I didn’t maybe they still wouldn’t be together and he would be free to be with me. This is all just wishful thinking I guess. Even though this is what I want…it may not be what he wants. The most important thing to me is his happiness. So if she makes him happy...I think he should stay with her…who am I to stand in the way of their love? In a perfect world we would be together…but I guess nothing is perfect. And neither am I.