MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS...venting
Why is it that everything is everyone’s business, and why is it that as soon as one is involved in a relationship things change so drastically? I’m not looking for these relationships to change back, but I am however looking for an answer. I am curious as to find out what persuades a person change, and why things are never the way they once were. Once a person is hurt, does that person then change himself, to ensure that this never happens to them again? In this case we are forever changing ourselves in the regret of an event, or to protect ourselves from things or people that will further hurt us, or question our motives and place. I guess I’m just tired of defending myself to other people. Assumptions are being made about whom my journal entries are about, and how I plan to break people up. No one ever thinks that these entries are a way of release, and a way to vent out all my pain and frustration. Even if I was trying to break people up first of all that would be my business, and second if I was successful in my attempts then maybe these people were not meant to be together if they were that easy to come between. I think it’s funny that each person who reads my journal thinks that they are about a different person. Seems the more I try to clear things up, the worse it is. Another thing that has come to my attention is that people must be looking for a way to trap me into something by reading my journal, if they are not concerned about me, or are my friend then why would they read my entries in the first place? Anger comes from fear, and if a relationship is rocky, or untrusting then fear often takes place of trust. I’m not out to break any one up, I just write in my journal to get all my thoughts out. I could always make it so that only my friends could read my journals to help prevent this from happening, but then when I think about it half the reason why I write in my journal in the first place is to try and reach people to let them know that they are not alone, and that they are always in control of their own future. I have to admit though, sometimes I do rant on, just to have myself heard, but most times I am just writing things that often people are afraid to say, and would want heard. This is not all that is bothering me, however I am still annoyed by it. I am worried about life and about death, and what happens to those who are living and then die, and if those who die end up having a paradise waiting in the sky for them. Someone very close to me is in this position, however is absolutely certain that there is a heaven and that she will one day make it there. I wish I had that certainty. I’ve worked so hard to be where I am, and it scares me to think that as hard as I worked for it; it could easily be taken from me. Those who do deserve never get what they deserve, but those who work get what they put in. Funny how life is, and how most times nice guys really do finish last. I have a lot to make up for, this last month has been a challenge, but in a lot of ways it has been a break from my known reality. I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not. I’ve come to realize that life is very precious and that once it is over, you can never get back all the years you spent wasting it. I am scared that is what she feels, and I am scared that is what I will one day experience. Do you know when your life will end? Do you have an idea? Or does it end as quickly as it began, but with less effort? Do you believe that we are all being watched over, that we all have our own guardian angel? If we do, then what is their purpose? These “angels” or “messengers of god” do not prevent us from making mistakes, and repeating them. They do not prevent bad things from happening; my question still stands what is their purpose? Do they experience everything we do, and as we experience them? I am not sure whether I believe this to be the case. There are too many uncertainties and too many unanswered questions. In my grandmother’s case, I hope that she is right and will be kept youthful in her heaven, and I hope that she will be happy and not feel any regret. Everyone finds his or her own ending or new beginning maybe she has found hers. I am just scared that she will be disappointed. As I watch my grandma worsen and get more fragile and sicker, I am scared that I will not remember her for the women she was before she became sick. I’m scared that I will forever be mad at her for getting sick, and refusing my help and often times my love. This is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in my young adult? life. Most of all I’m scared that she will forget who I am, and won’t remember how close we were and what we shared together. In a lot of ways my grandma was my best friend, she understood me, and every thing I stand for. She realizes my ambitions and tries to help me reach them. She never questions my sincerity or motives she trusted as deeply in me as I did in her. I’m hurt that she will never be able to see who I grow into, and that she never truly saw who I am now, and how much I greatly respected her and loved her. To me she will always be that person in my life pushing me forward, encouraging me to do better, achieve more, and who would never let me give up. *[I love you Gram]*
I guess all that is left to say is that I'm am not anymore certain about anything since I have began writing, in fact I now have more questions in my mind that need answers. I just hope that people begin to focus more on their lives and relationships, and butt out of mine. If I want your opinion I'll ask for it, otherwise I would really appreciate it if everyone would keep their questions about who my entries are about to themselves, and their assumptions on me trying to break them up.
…Still struggling to find these answers, but am closer to the truth and further away from lies and everyone else’s bullshit…
(hoping for the best..)