tell them all she wont be back because she needed a change.
Its funny how with a few right words, you think youre pulling on my heart strings.
Tell me, what can really be learned if we only talk in verse?
Your pseudo-intellectualism
and faux-philosophical banter
don't impress me one bit.
You think you're suave with the lines,
feeding me everything I ever wanted to hear.
Telling me I'm beautiful
and how you long for me.
There's nothing you can not learn from me
and how you've always dreamed of a girl like me.
The funny part is
I know your every move.
Checkmate.
Still, I'll play your game for a while.
After all,
it gets lonely always playing with yourself.
But he?
Oh, he had me good.
He never had to say much.
Just one look, and all the structure in my life would crumble.
No one had ever seen me like that.
No one has ever had control of me like that.
This incredible power
to make me fear every word I said was too much
or not enough.
To make me doubt everything I thought.
To make me feel chills to sit near by.
To make me not able to look in his eyes.
To make me want to do nothing but please him.
To make me only reach out sexually, for fear anything deeper might kill me.
To make me believe nothing about me could ever be good enough for him.
Oh mighty king, allow me entrance to your chamber. I prithee.
To make me wreck every chance I got.
To make me afraid to get so close.
Electricity burns, baby.
To make me never want him to leave.
To make me want something more
but to settle for the scraps
and the half-asses apologies.
To make me blow off plans.
deadlines.
dates.
work.
anything I had set.
To make me see nothing but the moment.
And want nothing more than the now.
To make me feel like an ant;
strong enough to lift anything thrown at me
but small enough to never notice.
This incredible power.
Perhaps you didn't know.
You could have had anything.
You could have ruled the world.
You could have used it to your every single advantage.
You could have used me.
But you didn't.
You only took carelessly of my flesh.
Flesh is first to decay, darlin,
and I was never good at that.
I never felt a thing
because I was too afraid to let myself.
I lied; it wasn't that I didn't enjoy it.
Rather, I was too afraid I would love it too much.
I kept it light.
I smothered you.
I failed your tests.
I fought and I pushed.
I pushed you away.
Purposely.
I did everything I knew would make you uncomfortable.
I did everything I knew would make you want to leave.
I was everything I knew you didn't want.
I MADE you able to not have feelings for me.
I made that so easy.
I made it so hard on you
though it was the absolute last thing I wanted.
I just couldn't let you see that power you really held.
This incredible power
to mock how I felt.
"Heartbreaker. hah."
We're you so insecure you never believed me?
Or just too much of an asshole to care either way?
Your "hahs" always did drive me crazy.
I tried anything to get a response from you
and all I got was "hah."
You never did play my games.
Maybe thats another reason I liked you.
I spilled to you my darkest secrets
in hopes you would see why I acted the way I did.
I wrote those emails,
I said those things
I tormented you with those words
and the nagging
in hopes you would analyze and disect me
and see why I was so fucking afraid.
Maybe you would see through my games finally.
Maybe you would call me on my bullshit.
Maybe you would see how much I really cared.
But maybe it only made you leave faster.
After all,
who wants to waste time thinking and working?
I am not as priceless as a Da Vinci
why waste time cracking my code?
You never did see through me.
You never realized that I did those things,
not to ruin your life,
but to show you
you were worth enough
to ruin mine.
Is the juice worth the squeeze?
It was always for me.
You were always worth any pain I went through.
I took anything you gave me
because I know I got what I deserved.
I wasn't myself around you.
Not that I was afraid you wouldn't like me,
but that I was afraid you would
and I couldn't offer you the things you deserved.
I guess its honesty time.
We did everything wrong.
Our timing was always off.
We were clumsy
foolish.
inexperienced.
cynical.
misunderstood.
There was nothing superficial for me to stick around for:
You never fed me compliments;
I had a thousand other guys telling me I was beautiful, or smart, or funny.
You hated everything I liked;
I shared more interests with so many others.
You didn't try to please me;
a million others would have told me anything they thought I wanted to hear just to get my panties off. And they would have done anything to me I dreamed, just to get laid.
It wasn't the challenge;
there was plenty more challenging than yourself.
It wasn't the "like what I can't have" factor;
I would have been chasing abercrombie models and millionaires.
You didn't pay for me
or buy me things
or go out on dates
or try new things.
There was not a drop of superficiality that kept me wanting you.
It was you I wanted.
Only you.
Not a damn thing else.
There is no way I was using you
because I gained nothing from it.
Some would say that made me the sucker.
I say it made me real.
What could it have been that kept me so close to you?
Maybe it was an addiction.
Chemical, physical, psychological.
Maybe an obsession.
Maybe it was just circumstance.
Maybe it was fate.
Or maybe what I felt was love
if you believe in such a word.
I have never ever felt that way before in my life.
I was never so afraid of the intensity of what I felt
or thought it was capable to feel something
so strongly.
Not in all 20 years.
But you wouldn't believe it anyway.
It no longer matters.
You, oh, I wish you happiness.
I know you have it
or at least say you do.
I know you are being fulfilled
in ways I could never fill you.
Scratch that, not couldn't
DIDN'T.
Because I couldn't break those walls.
I guess I was waiting for you to tear them down.
But you're not superman,
its not your job to save me.
But all I did was tear you down.
Insecurities; I fed into them.
Doubts; I gave you plenty.
Fears; I made you live them.
Hell; I brought you through it.
I hope she's everything you've dreamed of.
You deserve it.
I guess its hurts more that you're happy now.
Not that I'm jealous,
but that I could never deliver you that.
Or at least never did.
I guess I was afraid of this happening
because you would no longer need me anymore.
I made myself an item
instead of being invaluable.
I made myself a learning experience
instead of a person.
I made everything robotic.
I guess I'm really terrified
because you will never know the truth.
And I'm regretful
because I wasted all that time.
I guess I'm mourning a loss,
not of you,
but of those memories we never had a chance to create.
I'm sorry.
I can count my thousand mistakes
over and over again
until it drives me mad
and it still wont change a thing.
I was always hoping
one day this magic wind will come along
and bring us together.
Like a movie.
Like our movie.
Crossing paths as we cross our legs,
realizing there is something stronger than us out there
and that maybe, it was all for a reason.
The times we finished each others sentences.
The times we read each other's minds.
The times we said "hmm.. thats weird..."
All those unexplained things.
That connection
that I did everything to ignore
and make disappear.
The one you never felt.
I guess I was hoping that it was more powerful than I was.
But all movies end,
and the past few months I have watched the credits roll by.
I wish you to bloom,
I wish you to flourish.
I wish you the best
and all of the happiness in the world.
And all of the riches money can't buy.
I wish you passion
and intensity
and fire
and love.
I wish you success
and mystery
and wisdom
and trust.
I wish you strength
and persistance
and forgiveness
and hope.
I wish you excitement
and adventure.
I wish you pleasure
in every way.
I wanted so much more
but you can't grow a garden with only one seed.
..have I said too much again?
Or not enough?
(I'm glad you don't read this anyway.)
Tell me, what can really be learned if we only talk in verse?
Your pseudo-intellectualism
and faux-philosophical banter
don't impress me one bit.
You think you're suave with the lines,
feeding me everything I ever wanted to hear.
Telling me I'm beautiful
and how you long for me.
There's nothing you can not learn from me
and how you've always dreamed of a girl like me.
The funny part is
I know your every move.
Checkmate.
Still, I'll play your game for a while.
After all,
it gets lonely always playing with yourself.
But he?
Oh, he had me good.
He never had to say much.
Just one look, and all the structure in my life would crumble.
No one had ever seen me like that.
No one has ever had control of me like that.
This incredible power
to make me fear every word I said was too much
or not enough.
To make me doubt everything I thought.
To make me feel chills to sit near by.
To make me not able to look in his eyes.
To make me want to do nothing but please him.
To make me only reach out sexually, for fear anything deeper might kill me.
To make me believe nothing about me could ever be good enough for him.
Oh mighty king, allow me entrance to your chamber. I prithee.
To make me wreck every chance I got.
To make me afraid to get so close.
Electricity burns, baby.
To make me never want him to leave.
To make me want something more
but to settle for the scraps
and the half-asses apologies.
To make me blow off plans.
deadlines.
dates.
work.
anything I had set.
To make me see nothing but the moment.
And want nothing more than the now.
To make me feel like an ant;
strong enough to lift anything thrown at me
but small enough to never notice.
This incredible power.
Perhaps you didn't know.
You could have had anything.
You could have ruled the world.
You could have used it to your every single advantage.
You could have used me.
But you didn't.
You only took carelessly of my flesh.
Flesh is first to decay, darlin,
and I was never good at that.
I never felt a thing
because I was too afraid to let myself.
I lied; it wasn't that I didn't enjoy it.
Rather, I was too afraid I would love it too much.
I kept it light.
I smothered you.
I failed your tests.
I fought and I pushed.
I pushed you away.
Purposely.
I did everything I knew would make you uncomfortable.
I did everything I knew would make you want to leave.
I was everything I knew you didn't want.
I MADE you able to not have feelings for me.
I made that so easy.
I made it so hard on you
though it was the absolute last thing I wanted.
I just couldn't let you see that power you really held.
This incredible power
to mock how I felt.
"Heartbreaker. hah."
We're you so insecure you never believed me?
Or just too much of an asshole to care either way?
Your "hahs" always did drive me crazy.
I tried anything to get a response from you
and all I got was "hah."
You never did play my games.
Maybe thats another reason I liked you.
I spilled to you my darkest secrets
in hopes you would see why I acted the way I did.
I wrote those emails,
I said those things
I tormented you with those words
and the nagging
in hopes you would analyze and disect me
and see why I was so fucking afraid.
Maybe you would see through my games finally.
Maybe you would call me on my bullshit.
Maybe you would see how much I really cared.
But maybe it only made you leave faster.
After all,
who wants to waste time thinking and working?
I am not as priceless as a Da Vinci
why waste time cracking my code?
You never did see through me.
You never realized that I did those things,
not to ruin your life,
but to show you
you were worth enough
to ruin mine.
Is the juice worth the squeeze?
It was always for me.
You were always worth any pain I went through.
I took anything you gave me
because I know I got what I deserved.
I wasn't myself around you.
Not that I was afraid you wouldn't like me,
but that I was afraid you would
and I couldn't offer you the things you deserved.
I guess its honesty time.
We did everything wrong.
Our timing was always off.
We were clumsy
foolish.
inexperienced.
cynical.
misunderstood.
There was nothing superficial for me to stick around for:
You never fed me compliments;
I had a thousand other guys telling me I was beautiful, or smart, or funny.
You hated everything I liked;
I shared more interests with so many others.
You didn't try to please me;
a million others would have told me anything they thought I wanted to hear just to get my panties off. And they would have done anything to me I dreamed, just to get laid.
It wasn't the challenge;
there was plenty more challenging than yourself.
It wasn't the "like what I can't have" factor;
I would have been chasing abercrombie models and millionaires.
You didn't pay for me
or buy me things
or go out on dates
or try new things.
There was not a drop of superficiality that kept me wanting you.
It was you I wanted.
Only you.
Not a damn thing else.
There is no way I was using you
because I gained nothing from it.
Some would say that made me the sucker.
I say it made me real.
What could it have been that kept me so close to you?
Maybe it was an addiction.
Chemical, physical, psychological.
Maybe an obsession.
Maybe it was just circumstance.
Maybe it was fate.
Or maybe what I felt was love
if you believe in such a word.
I have never ever felt that way before in my life.
I was never so afraid of the intensity of what I felt
or thought it was capable to feel something
so strongly.
Not in all 20 years.
But you wouldn't believe it anyway.
It no longer matters.
You, oh, I wish you happiness.
I know you have it
or at least say you do.
I know you are being fulfilled
in ways I could never fill you.
Scratch that, not couldn't
DIDN'T.
Because I couldn't break those walls.
I guess I was waiting for you to tear them down.
But you're not superman,
its not your job to save me.
But all I did was tear you down.
Insecurities; I fed into them.
Doubts; I gave you plenty.
Fears; I made you live them.
Hell; I brought you through it.
I hope she's everything you've dreamed of.
You deserve it.
I guess its hurts more that you're happy now.
Not that I'm jealous,
but that I could never deliver you that.
Or at least never did.
I guess I was afraid of this happening
because you would no longer need me anymore.
I made myself an item
instead of being invaluable.
I made myself a learning experience
instead of a person.
I made everything robotic.
I guess I'm really terrified
because you will never know the truth.
And I'm regretful
because I wasted all that time.
I guess I'm mourning a loss,
not of you,
but of those memories we never had a chance to create.
I'm sorry.
I can count my thousand mistakes
over and over again
until it drives me mad
and it still wont change a thing.
I was always hoping
one day this magic wind will come along
and bring us together.
Like a movie.
Like our movie.
Crossing paths as we cross our legs,
realizing there is something stronger than us out there
and that maybe, it was all for a reason.
The times we finished each others sentences.
The times we read each other's minds.
The times we said "hmm.. thats weird..."
All those unexplained things.
That connection
that I did everything to ignore
and make disappear.
The one you never felt.
I guess I was hoping that it was more powerful than I was.
But all movies end,
and the past few months I have watched the credits roll by.
I wish you to bloom,
I wish you to flourish.
I wish you the best
and all of the happiness in the world.
And all of the riches money can't buy.
I wish you passion
and intensity
and fire
and love.
I wish you success
and mystery
and wisdom
and trust.
I wish you strength
and persistance
and forgiveness
and hope.
I wish you excitement
and adventure.
I wish you pleasure
in every way.
I wanted so much more
but you can't grow a garden with only one seed.
..have I said too much again?
Or not enough?
(I'm glad you don't read this anyway.)