(no subject)
After talking to my cousin, I feel a lot better about a lot of things. The panic attacks, the anxiety disorder. The fear of expressing emotion. Despite all the drama that happened today and this weekend in general, I've realized a lot more about myself and my family history than I had expected to. A lot of skeletons have been kept in closets for far too long collecting dust, and Im glad they were forced out. It definitely explains a lot. I'm glad I'm not alone with this all.
I didnt realize what a rut I have been trapped in. The quicksand that Im sinking in, and the almost inability to escape.
I didn't realize how most of my friends were toxic; slowly poisioning me to an early death. Backstabbers, shit talkers, lonely lost souls, pity party companions, control freaks. Wheres the geniune people who really care, with good heads on their shoulders?
I didnt realize how much more I deserve, or that was even possible to reach.
I didn't realize how lending myself to people who don't want it is only hurting me, even if I say it doesn't. Even if I convince myself its cool.
I didn't realize how I was investing my time into a lost cause. Many lost causes.
I didn't realize how by caring, I allowed people to not care about me.
I didn't realize that by caring and putting others first it allowed them to put me absolutely last, and think its ok.
I was afraid to speak up. When things hurt, to fight, when I'm treated like shit.. So afraid to speak my mind for fear of hurting others. But instead I just became a robot, emotionally void and convinced that when I do speak my mind or feel hurt, that its actually my fault and Im a super bitch.
But I did realize how everyone tries to keep you down. Friends and family aren't excluded from this either.
I was always afraid of being alone, but now, Im afraid of what will happen if Im around the wrong people instead of being alone.
You know, an extremely common fear is to not be loved. People are so starved for love, they'll do anything to convince themselves they are in some form. You say you love me. I say I'm loved. But you know what? Maybe I'm not. Maybe you don't love me. Maybe you never will or can.
Maybe you just love what you can do to me, and love that I take it all.
Its ok though, because I love myself. And that definitely is enough.
You wont see me crying. Don't feel sorry for me.
Ive got big, big plans, and no one to hold me down.
Time for a lot of changes.
I didnt realize what a rut I have been trapped in. The quicksand that Im sinking in, and the almost inability to escape.
I didn't realize how most of my friends were toxic; slowly poisioning me to an early death. Backstabbers, shit talkers, lonely lost souls, pity party companions, control freaks. Wheres the geniune people who really care, with good heads on their shoulders?
I didnt realize how much more I deserve, or that was even possible to reach.
I didn't realize how lending myself to people who don't want it is only hurting me, even if I say it doesn't. Even if I convince myself its cool.
I didn't realize how I was investing my time into a lost cause. Many lost causes.
I didn't realize how by caring, I allowed people to not care about me.
I didn't realize that by caring and putting others first it allowed them to put me absolutely last, and think its ok.
I was afraid to speak up. When things hurt, to fight, when I'm treated like shit.. So afraid to speak my mind for fear of hurting others. But instead I just became a robot, emotionally void and convinced that when I do speak my mind or feel hurt, that its actually my fault and Im a super bitch.
But I did realize how everyone tries to keep you down. Friends and family aren't excluded from this either.
I was always afraid of being alone, but now, Im afraid of what will happen if Im around the wrong people instead of being alone.
You know, an extremely common fear is to not be loved. People are so starved for love, they'll do anything to convince themselves they are in some form. You say you love me. I say I'm loved. But you know what? Maybe I'm not. Maybe you don't love me. Maybe you never will or can.
Maybe you just love what you can do to me, and love that I take it all.
Its ok though, because I love myself. And that definitely is enough.
You wont see me crying. Don't feel sorry for me.
Ive got big, big plans, and no one to hold me down.
Time for a lot of changes.