(no subject)
The highest grade I've gotten this semster is a B+, I think... I just got another C for a text response, which was inching towards a D+. Sounds like Medea all over again, only this time I thought I did fine at. I knew it was no great piece of work but I did not expect something like that. I think it hit me harde than I thought it would. I was so glad that I had a free after Lit and could go home straight afterwards. I did have an emotion release somewhere along the way, which kida helped. I'm kind alucky that I never look all the puffy after I've cried...
I want to say that I don't care or I don't give a toss any more, I really really do, but I know that I do. I still want to excel, which I think is natural but it's getting so difficult. I still feel so incompetent amongst all the MacRobians, I cannot think of one person that is "worse" than me. (I used inverted commas since I know that you don't judge a person by their academic scores but in the context of my rant...)
I used to think that Eng was my strength but evidently, it's not, as far as text responses goes. Which is bad, since a middle-band for Media in RMIT is Lit. (Even though I'm not doing Lit next year, since I know that I'm terrible at Text Responses and such.)
I think I just keep setting lower and lower records for myself this year. I mean I've friggin failed. I hate it. I'm used to being the nerdy good-grade getter but ever since MacRob, I've never ever felt that "top" feeling again. I have to admit that while I'm not obsessed with being on top, I do enjoy that feeling once in a while, even if I was near the top, I would be happy. I feel like, and I know that I am somewhere near the bottom, and that makes me feel terrible. If I wasn't trying, if I was just slacking off away, I'd be fine with it, but since I'm really trying and I do most of my work, (except for Maths, since I don't care for the subject anymore), still, I get shit grades. I hate it. I hate how I'v etried so hard for the past year and still, I know that I can never be the best.
I just feel that I've been through so frigging much these past years, ranging from bullying to isolation to deaths in family and my own tests of sanity to just dealing with stuff that you have to being a teenager, I just feel that I should be able to get a break. I don't care what it is, but I just want a break from it all. A good luck streak, maybe. Or just things that aren't tests and obstacles thrown in my face all the time. I have had to adjust to so many different things in the last 4 years that not only am I not who I've known myself to be any more, I can't see what I'm doing anymore. I think that through all the adapting I've had to do, from not having any friends in a school, to changing to a different school, to having a whole new enviroment, to dealing with 4 deaths to family members who I've really really loved and had been extremely close to within these 4 years to VCE, I've lost more than I've realised.
I can't describe how I feel right now. I don't feel numb, or have an abseence of emotions, nor do I feel shaky and out of control, yet I feel as though I'm somewhere in between. I know I'm lost but I don't feel lost. I've been through a time where I would be contmplating something much worse than ranting on LJ, but I'm not anymore. I don't feel as though this is a dream, yet I want to wake up. I want an alternative but I know there isn't. I don't know anymore, but yet I feel that I should.
It's getting so difficult now...
In two more years, my sweetheart, we will see another view
such longing for the past for such completion
What was once golden has now turned a shade of grey
I've become crueler in your presence
They say: 'be brave, there's a right way and a wrong way'
This pain won't last for ever, this pain won't last for ever
Two more years, there's only two more years
Two more years, there's only two more years
Two more years so hold on
You've cried enough this lifetime, my beloved polar bear
Tears to fill a sea to drown a beacon
To start anew all over, remove those scars from your arms
To start anew all over more enlightened
I know, my love, this is not the only story you can tell
This pain won't last for ever, this pain won't last for ever
Two more years...
You don't need to find answers for questions never asked of you
You don't need to find answers
dead weights and balloons
drag me to you
dead weights and balloons
to sleep in your arms
i've become crueler since i met you
ive become rougher, this world is killing me
we cover our lies with handshakes and smiles
we try to remember our alibis
we tell lies to our parents he hide in their rooms
we bury our secrets in the garden
of course we could never make this love last
i said of course we could never make this love last
the only love we know is love for ourselves
we bury our secrets in the garden
(Two more years so hold on)
I always feel as though Kele is singing to me...
I want to say that I don't care or I don't give a toss any more, I really really do, but I know that I do. I still want to excel, which I think is natural but it's getting so difficult. I still feel so incompetent amongst all the MacRobians, I cannot think of one person that is "worse" than me. (I used inverted commas since I know that you don't judge a person by their academic scores but in the context of my rant...)
I used to think that Eng was my strength but evidently, it's not, as far as text responses goes. Which is bad, since a middle-band for Media in RMIT is Lit. (Even though I'm not doing Lit next year, since I know that I'm terrible at Text Responses and such.)
I think I just keep setting lower and lower records for myself this year. I mean I've friggin failed. I hate it. I'm used to being the nerdy good-grade getter but ever since MacRob, I've never ever felt that "top" feeling again. I have to admit that while I'm not obsessed with being on top, I do enjoy that feeling once in a while, even if I was near the top, I would be happy. I feel like, and I know that I am somewhere near the bottom, and that makes me feel terrible. If I wasn't trying, if I was just slacking off away, I'd be fine with it, but since I'm really trying and I do most of my work, (except for Maths, since I don't care for the subject anymore), still, I get shit grades. I hate it. I hate how I'v etried so hard for the past year and still, I know that I can never be the best.
I just feel that I've been through so frigging much these past years, ranging from bullying to isolation to deaths in family and my own tests of sanity to just dealing with stuff that you have to being a teenager, I just feel that I should be able to get a break. I don't care what it is, but I just want a break from it all. A good luck streak, maybe. Or just things that aren't tests and obstacles thrown in my face all the time. I have had to adjust to so many different things in the last 4 years that not only am I not who I've known myself to be any more, I can't see what I'm doing anymore. I think that through all the adapting I've had to do, from not having any friends in a school, to changing to a different school, to having a whole new enviroment, to dealing with 4 deaths to family members who I've really really loved and had been extremely close to within these 4 years to VCE, I've lost more than I've realised.
I can't describe how I feel right now. I don't feel numb, or have an abseence of emotions, nor do I feel shaky and out of control, yet I feel as though I'm somewhere in between. I know I'm lost but I don't feel lost. I've been through a time where I would be contmplating something much worse than ranting on LJ, but I'm not anymore. I don't feel as though this is a dream, yet I want to wake up. I want an alternative but I know there isn't. I don't know anymore, but yet I feel that I should.
It's getting so difficult now...
In two more years, my sweetheart, we will see another view
such longing for the past for such completion
What was once golden has now turned a shade of grey
I've become crueler in your presence
They say: 'be brave, there's a right way and a wrong way'
This pain won't last for ever, this pain won't last for ever
Two more years, there's only two more years
Two more years, there's only two more years
Two more years so hold on
You've cried enough this lifetime, my beloved polar bear
Tears to fill a sea to drown a beacon
To start anew all over, remove those scars from your arms
To start anew all over more enlightened
I know, my love, this is not the only story you can tell
This pain won't last for ever, this pain won't last for ever
Two more years...
You don't need to find answers for questions never asked of you
You don't need to find answers
dead weights and balloons
drag me to you
dead weights and balloons
to sleep in your arms
i've become crueler since i met you
ive become rougher, this world is killing me
we cover our lies with handshakes and smiles
we try to remember our alibis
we tell lies to our parents he hide in their rooms
we bury our secrets in the garden
of course we could never make this love last
i said of course we could never make this love last
the only love we know is love for ourselves
we bury our secrets in the garden
(Two more years so hold on)
I always feel as though Kele is singing to me...