Fuckin Bitch Asses
So i dont know what to do. I haven't written in so long. I dont remember how to start. I need it now, i think. Its been to long. I need to do things i haven't in a while..calm myself down in some way..stop smoking so many ciggarettes..i need to stop wanting what i dont like. I need to boss up..stop being a pussy, leave town..its time..fuck school. fuck school. fuck curfew. fuck rules. fuck people. Fuck family. Fuck the elite.
I keep finding myself thinking/ and dreaming of different ways to kill myself or other people and wondering
who would go to my funeral
and wondering if i'd get away with the kill.
The Suicide note is the hard part, what would i say?
Where should i put the note,
what if no one finds it..
Would anyone care about the person i kill,
would they go to the funeral for sympathy.
Would it be a open casket.
Would they find the body.
Would they find my body.
What should i wear.
I hate money.
Sometimes i have to many things going on in my head that all my thoughts disappear, i get wasted off of my thoughts. Everything thing feels fast, but in slow motion..and everythings like...hard but soft, in bubble letters and theres traces...everywhere...I sweat, and shake..intill its gone...I wish i could have that feeling whenever i wanted...I wish it never happened.
Sometimes i wish i was stupid and christian. So everything would feel as though it was already decided. And i wouldn't have to worry; or think.
I want to invent something life changing. I hate technolgy. I want to decide between good and bad. Im medium. My dad made me take pills, when i was sick. Im so ashamed. I hate him. I hate pills. My mind doesn't match my facial expression. I want to put acid in the city water system. Imagine: Yuppies shower in the morning before work. Fucking chaos. haha. I hate Portage. Nothing seems worth it if i stay here. Cant stop crying.
I love people i barely even know more than my family.
I dont know my family. Every christmas feels the same. Who are these people? It seems like some big evil government/ christian / i dont fucking know/ plan to distract people from reality, give people purpose, i have a hard time feeling sorry for people when thier parents die.
Im selfish.
Im jealous.
I say i love my mom, but sometimes i wonder if i actually love her or if its imbreaded in my brain, sometimes i feel like im supposed to love her.
No one in my family would ever approach me if they didn't know me. I hate knowing that.
I need to leave.
I Cant get my thoughts onto paper again..
I keep finding myself thinking/ and dreaming of different ways to kill myself or other people and wondering
who would go to my funeral
and wondering if i'd get away with the kill.
The Suicide note is the hard part, what would i say?
Where should i put the note,
what if no one finds it..
Would anyone care about the person i kill,
would they go to the funeral for sympathy.
Would it be a open casket.
Would they find the body.
Would they find my body.
What should i wear.
I hate money.
Sometimes i have to many things going on in my head that all my thoughts disappear, i get wasted off of my thoughts. Everything thing feels fast, but in slow motion..and everythings like...hard but soft, in bubble letters and theres traces...everywhere...I sweat, and shake..intill its gone...I wish i could have that feeling whenever i wanted...I wish it never happened.
Sometimes i wish i was stupid and christian. So everything would feel as though it was already decided. And i wouldn't have to worry; or think.
I want to invent something life changing. I hate technolgy. I want to decide between good and bad. Im medium. My dad made me take pills, when i was sick. Im so ashamed. I hate him. I hate pills. My mind doesn't match my facial expression. I want to put acid in the city water system. Imagine: Yuppies shower in the morning before work. Fucking chaos. haha. I hate Portage. Nothing seems worth it if i stay here. Cant stop crying.
I love people i barely even know more than my family.
I dont know my family. Every christmas feels the same. Who are these people? It seems like some big evil government/ christian / i dont fucking know/ plan to distract people from reality, give people purpose, i have a hard time feeling sorry for people when thier parents die.
Im selfish.
Im jealous.
I say i love my mom, but sometimes i wonder if i actually love her or if its imbreaded in my brain, sometimes i feel like im supposed to love her.
No one in my family would ever approach me if they didn't know me. I hate knowing that.
I need to leave.
I Cant get my thoughts onto paper again..