going back to the start.
our mistakes
[too terrible
too many
to list]
keep us pinned here.
like butterflies
caught and collected.
we don't forgive ourselves,
but condemn ourselves
to making the same mistakes
over
and
over.
(OKAY. i am growing up. i am. i applied for a graduate position with the ABC. pray that i would make the shortlist and get an interview. and then pray that i would get the job. it's perfect. it feels right. i want this job. what else?
this means i have to tell my boss, because she is one of my references. so i will speak to her tomorrow at work - i am working instead of going to one of my best friends birthday lunches because i am so worried about my employer/employee relationship, and also because i don't want to be a jerk - and let her know. i am pretty scared about this but i am hoping she will think back to how she made me promise i would not get frozen in place in this store.
youth group is winding up. which is a very good thing. i love it completely but it is beginning to wear on me. i have picked up so many extra responsibilities this year that i am getting frustrated by small things that never used to bother me. i am trying to render every service as to the Lord but i get grumpy.
i went for dinner tonight with the old crew. it's not that it isn't fun. but it's not always the most comfortable nights. i feel the way i used to feel. really conscious of my short-comings. of my height and weight, of my stumbling over words. of not being witty or funny or able to add to the conversation. so i get awkward and react strangely but these things happen.
last night was becs 21st. we danced and drank and danced some more. i didn't know too many people but i never feel self-conscious with those kids. i am happy just to kick around with them and do whatever. like dance the time warp with james wilson. or sway back and forth with kayb to brown-eyed girl.
in other news i will be seeing glen hansard and marketa irglova in jan. with hing (we are trying pretty hard at being friends. with lots of mocking and ridiculing) and darcy (the coded kid who makes lovely offers of help, but also makes no sense) and emma (who is the best everr)
oh and oh. christmas is also upon us. i am unprepared. i am trying to organise the work party, and figure out presents and also how christmas will be spent this year? things have changed.
it is thirty-five minutes from december. how did this year disappear? i have a degree and all these new friends and all my lovely old friends and i have these scars that aren't fading and these memories of mistakes and all these wonderful times on swings and at beaches and on mountains in the snow. we have done so much! and grown so much! and yet i am sitting here in jeans and a jumper and my hair is messy and falling all over my face and i am listening to sad songs that remind me of failed relationships and it feels a little like i am frozen frozen. i am in the same job i have had for years and i am doing the same things i have done for years. hangs and bible study with the same kids mostly and youth group and 21sts and church and i am still listening to brand new and thinking of how things could be.
i am tired, i am not making any sense. i am drunk off my own frustration and exhaustion and blue moods. if i feel tomorrow the way i felt today, the way i have felt for days, well then i just don't know what i will do. maybe i will get proactive and delete all my sad songs. yes.)
[too terrible
too many
to list]
keep us pinned here.
like butterflies
caught and collected.
we don't forgive ourselves,
but condemn ourselves
to making the same mistakes
over
and
over.
(OKAY. i am growing up. i am. i applied for a graduate position with the ABC. pray that i would make the shortlist and get an interview. and then pray that i would get the job. it's perfect. it feels right. i want this job. what else?
this means i have to tell my boss, because she is one of my references. so i will speak to her tomorrow at work - i am working instead of going to one of my best friends birthday lunches because i am so worried about my employer/employee relationship, and also because i don't want to be a jerk - and let her know. i am pretty scared about this but i am hoping she will think back to how she made me promise i would not get frozen in place in this store.
youth group is winding up. which is a very good thing. i love it completely but it is beginning to wear on me. i have picked up so many extra responsibilities this year that i am getting frustrated by small things that never used to bother me. i am trying to render every service as to the Lord but i get grumpy.
i went for dinner tonight with the old crew. it's not that it isn't fun. but it's not always the most comfortable nights. i feel the way i used to feel. really conscious of my short-comings. of my height and weight, of my stumbling over words. of not being witty or funny or able to add to the conversation. so i get awkward and react strangely but these things happen.
last night was becs 21st. we danced and drank and danced some more. i didn't know too many people but i never feel self-conscious with those kids. i am happy just to kick around with them and do whatever. like dance the time warp with james wilson. or sway back and forth with kayb to brown-eyed girl.
in other news i will be seeing glen hansard and marketa irglova in jan. with hing (we are trying pretty hard at being friends. with lots of mocking and ridiculing) and darcy (the coded kid who makes lovely offers of help, but also makes no sense) and emma (who is the best everr)
oh and oh. christmas is also upon us. i am unprepared. i am trying to organise the work party, and figure out presents and also how christmas will be spent this year? things have changed.
it is thirty-five minutes from december. how did this year disappear? i have a degree and all these new friends and all my lovely old friends and i have these scars that aren't fading and these memories of mistakes and all these wonderful times on swings and at beaches and on mountains in the snow. we have done so much! and grown so much! and yet i am sitting here in jeans and a jumper and my hair is messy and falling all over my face and i am listening to sad songs that remind me of failed relationships and it feels a little like i am frozen frozen. i am in the same job i have had for years and i am doing the same things i have done for years. hangs and bible study with the same kids mostly and youth group and 21sts and church and i am still listening to brand new and thinking of how things could be.
i am tired, i am not making any sense. i am drunk off my own frustration and exhaustion and blue moods. if i feel tomorrow the way i felt today, the way i have felt for days, well then i just don't know what i will do. maybe i will get proactive and delete all my sad songs. yes.)