Feb 27, 2004 14:40
I promised myself that i wouldn't let you affect me anymore, but since last night you affected me more than ever. I hate that i let you do this to me, because i doubt that i have ever affected you like this, and i wish that i could make you feel the pain that i feel because of you. I wish you even felt something of me, even if it is pleasure.
I like to think that I still know you, but the truth is I don't. I used to hold on to that, pretending I knew you from a distance. I think about you everyday, and I know I don't even come into your thoughts even when you look at me. Even when we were friends, now that I think about it, you weren't a very good friend to me. And it hurts so much because you were everything to me. And I, I wasn't anything to you. Just a good laugh. But I cant help but think of the time we slept together. The way you turned your body to mine, and the warmth and security I felt with you just lying there next to me. I had you then. You were there and that's all I cared about. And that's all I care about. Is you. I cant imagine how you feel. And I don't think you know what you have done to me. All the pain and the confusion. How many tears I have cried for you. And all the nights I have stayed awake wondering what I did wrong. How many times you pop into my head a day. How I worry about you. Did you leave me all alone because you finally felt something and it scared you? Do you know what you did to me? All the things I have done to myself to try and destroy myself, because I hate myself without you.Do you know what I have become because you abandoned me? Do you know how stupid I feel because I care about you so much, and how deeply I let it affect me. I feel so stupid because you don't even care about me, and yet you still mean the world to me. I don't even know you anymore and that's what hurts the most, is that I want to be there for you, but I don't know where to begin. And even if we were to start over, I wouldn't like the person you've become. So I will just pretend I know you from a far. Because I like the old memories of you. I like the old you. And the new you would ruin all of my memories of you. Even though it hurts so badly that I don't have you anymore, I would rather have the old you then the new. Because the new you would destroy me because you are destroying yourself, and I love you so much, that I wouldn't be able to bare the truth. That the new you is me.