fic: Smoke and Mirrors
Title: Smoke and Mirrors
Author: notfar
Pairings: Artie/Kurt, Tina/Mercedes, Rachel/Finn
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4,700
Disclaimer: Don’t own Glee and this never happened
Spoilers: Could be considered spoilery for the new season
Summary: Kurt and Artie are secretly dating. So are Mercedes and Tina. Because it's just more fun if nobody knows. Based on this prompt at the glee_fluff_meme .
Finn is wearing green pants, and Kurt is fascinated. He can’t stop staring. They’re not jeans, or sweatpants even. They’re slacks. Glee performances aside, Kurt has never seen Finn wearing slacks. Let alone bottle green ones. They’re paired with a dark orange sweater, and Kurt wants to cry. There, and he’d been making such good progress with Finn.
“Could you be any more obvious?” Santana asks from the row behind, her legs crossed and her eyebrows raised. “What, are you trying to stare a hole in his clothes?”
Kurt rolls his eyes, not even bothering to look back at her. Instead, he turns his head to Rachel, sitting front and centre as usual.
“Your horrendous fashion sense seems to be contagious,” he tells her. “I spent all summer convincing him to throw out all of his jeans with holes in them, and now he’s regressed. This is a disaster.”
Rachel frowns at him, looking across to where Finn is bent over the drum kit. “I think Finn looks splendid. The colour brings out his eyes.”
“It really doesn’t. You’re going to have to drive him home today. I refuse to be seen with him like that.”
“Fine.” Rachel scowls, standing up just as Mr Schuester jogs into the choir room.
“Sorry I’m late guys! Somebody super-glued the copy machine closed, so I couldn’t make copies of our new piece. We’ll just have to practice some of our old numbers today,” Schue tells everyone.
Rachel raises her hand. “Wait, what is it?”
“Love is a Battlefield.”
“Know it by heart,” Rachel replies immediately. “Brad?”
-
“I thought Santana was going to stab you with her eyeliner pencil,” Tina says later. They’re at her place; lawyers for parents and no siblings tends to equal a reliably empty house, something that Kurt can no longer claim since Finn and his mom moved in. Plus, Tina’s place is largely wheelchair-accessible. It’s an easy decision.
Mercedes nods. “Girl hates being ignored.”
“I know,” Kurt says loftily, fiddling with one of Artie’s suspenders until Artie flicks him in the arm. “Maybe I’d listen if she had something interesting to say. Stare a hole in his clothes. Please. Finn sleeps in his underwear. And then stumbles into the kitchen for breakfast in his underwear. I’ve seen more skin than I could ever possibly want to.”
“Damn straight you have,” Artie says, mock-stern.
“I could never see too much of your skin,” Kurt replies, sickly sweet. He tilts his head back, fluttering his eyelashes for extra effect.
Tina, Mercedes and Artie all make gagging noises.
Kurt grins at them all and stands up. “I need a drink. Anyone else?”
“Mountain Dew,” Tina and Mercedes crow in unison.
“Surprise me,” Artie calls.
Tina’s refrigerator is stocked exclusively with Mountain Dew, in the same way her cupboards contain oreos and very little else. She’s a take-out kind of girl. Kurt suspects that it’s also a good excuse to spend several nights a week eating dinner at Mercedes’.
He can’t fault her tactics or her motivation. Mama Jones is an amazing cook.
He grabs four cans of Mountain Dew.
-
Kurt meets Mercedes at her locker the next morning, and they catch up with Artie and Tina a little further down the corridor.
“I’m thinking Simpsons marathon and pizza tonight,” Tina says.
Artie pretends to think about that, then sighs dramatically. “I guess I could be okay with that.”
Mercedes rolls her eyes. “I’ll bring my dvds.”
“Cheerios practice,” Kurt tells them, grimacing briefly before thinking better of it. So not worth the wrinkles.
Artie pets his hand sympathetically.
“We’ll save you a slice,” Tina promises, stepping around to take the handles of Artie’s wheelchair. “See you guys at lunch?”
“You know it,” Mercedes says.
-
“Wheels and that asian chick are totally doing it,” Puck says. Finn, Mike and Matt are gathered around him, listening intently. It’s like a bizarre jock gossip circle. At Puck’s words, all heads turn towards Artie. He’s noodling around on one of the guitars, Tina perched on a chair right beside him.
“Dude, totally,” Finn breathes.
Kurt resists the urge to snort. It’s unattractive. He goes to exchange a knowing glance with Mercedes instead, but she’s busy being distracted by the hole in Tina’s fishnets.
“I bet she’s into kinky shit,” Puck’s saying. “Whips and chains and stuff.”
Mike leans forward. “You think?”
“Definitely.” Puck nods decisively. “She’s shy, and shit. That’s, like, international code for likes it dirty.”
“Artie’s a lucky guy,” Finn says wistfully.
“Aren’t you dating Rachel?” Matt asks.
“Oh yeah.” Finn sits up quickly.
Kurt shakes his head fondly.
From the end of the row of chairs, Santana watches closely.
-
“They cornered me,” Kurt announces to the room once he lets himself in to Tina’s house. Cheerios practice only just finished and his hair is still damp. It’s dark outside, close to eight o’clock, but that’s why his dad gave him his baby back.
Well. His dad gave him his car back so he wouldn’t have to wait in the dark on nights when Coach Sylvester decided every single member of the squad needed to prove they could get to 200 jumping rope without missing a single step or moving out of formation.
Instead, Kurt’s using it to hang out with his best friend and his boyfriend and his best friend’s girlfriend, who happens to be his boyfriend’s best friend. It’s a mouthful. And it’s close enough to home. Kurt’s pretty sure his dad is aware that sitting on a couch marathoning episodes of The Simpsons is in all respects a very tame way for a bunch of teenagers to spend an evening.
“Who?” It’s Rachel that asks, shifting across to allow him to sit down between her and Artie.
“Britt and Santana.”
“A stimulating conversation, I’m sure,” Artie says, reaching over to push Kurt’s hair back from his forehead. He pouts when his fingers come back wet.
“The usual,” Kurt agrees. “Santana told me I was pathetic, and that watching me lust after Finn is like watching a stray puppy humping a fire hydrant.”
“Wow,” Tina says. Beside her, Mercedes huffs out a laugh.
“And then Brittany offered to make out with me. At least I think that’s what she was offering.”
“Bitch, don’t even go there,” Artie says in a very poor imitation of Mercedes. She shakes her head at him, and he mouths what? back over to where she and Tina are curled up in an armchair.
“I agree,” Rachel puts in. “Brittany is slightly too tall to be truly compatible with you.”
Kurt tilts his head. “Aside from the part where I’m gay and taken, and she’s obviously involved in some sort of co-dependent lover affair-y thing with Santana.”
“Classically, a significant height difference is considered desirable between partners,” Rachel continues. “It places added emphasis on the male musculature and the feminine curves.”
“Guess that makes you the girl in this relationship,” Kurt tells Artie.
“That’s not what you said in the single-stall bathroom in fourth period,” Artie replies swiftly.
“Besides,” Kurt says to Rachel, “this whole discussion is invalid, since I actually am taller than Brittany.”
“Barely,” Mercedes murmurs.
“I have at least two inches,” Kurt tells the room, not bothering to point out that Mercedes, Tina and Rachel are all a whole head shorter than him and therefore have no room to comment on anyone’s height or lack thereof.
“Well I think this is all nonsense,” Mercedes says. “Obviously for ideal compatibility, you should be the same height as whoever you’re dating. Then nobody has to bend over or stretch up. And nobody’s feet ever dangle out from under the covers.”
Of course. She and Tina are the same height. They make adorable little squinchy faces at each other.
Kurt pokes Rachel in the side. “Classic is overrated. We all know you’re just saying that because Finn’s, like, three times your size.”
“Like a giant dating a gnome,” Artie adds, and Rachel reaches around Kurt to swat at him.
“And yeah, okay. Finn carried you upstairs in his arms last weekend, which was kind of romantic.”
“Like a fireman rescuing me from a burning building,” Rachel says, eyelashes fluttering.
“Like a caveman carrying a carcass home to feast on,” Kurt corrects, and squeaks when she messes up his hair in retaliation. As if it wasn’t enough of a disaster already.
“It was totally romantic,” Rachel states, leaving no room for question. “And he only hit my head on the doorframe twice.”
“I can lift Artie from his chair into my car, and into bed,” Kurt says. “That’s pretty much all I need.”
“The man speaks the truth.” Artie grins at him.
“Oh! I meant to tell you, your dad was asking about you at dinner tonight,” Rachel says. “He mentioned how curious it was that I spend more nights sitting at your dinner table than you do. I just told him that your need for social freedom is equivalent to Finn’s need to rehearse his vocals every night of the week.”
“Translation: I probably should make it home for dinner tomorrow night?”
Rachel beams. “Exactly.”
“Not to interrupt this deep and meaningful conversation, but I’m pretty sure we were halfway through an episode when you sauntered in,” Artie says.
“Sauntered?” Kurt shifts across until he’s fitting in close against Artie’s body. Rachel wriggles closer on the other side. Whatever. It’s cold with the air con running, and his hair’s still wet.
“Shhhh,” Tina hisses, remote in hand.
Kurt flaps his hand. “I’m more exciting than The Simpsons.”
“You’re setting yourself up for heartbreak there,” Tina tells him. “Now, silence.”
-
School’s been back in for two weeks, and okay, maybe Kurt has seen very little of his father in that time. It’s not his fault. Really. He just. Got used to hanging out with Artie every night over the summer. It made sense to just continue hanging out (with bonus homework) when school started again.
The only difference, really, is that despite spending his afternoons and nights with Artie and the gang, he also spent a bunch of time at the garage over the summer. But between early morning scheduled Cheerios practice every other day and Coach Sylvester’s special conditioning training - forcing Kurt to run laps of the track every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday morning - Kurt’s usually out of the house before his father comes down for breakfast.
So, yes. Maybe sitting down for dinner with his dad and Carole and Finn isn’t such a bad idea. If nothing else, he can definitively prove that he is actually alive.
It turns out to be a very good idea, if only for the smiles he gets from his dad and Carole when he surfaces from his room right on cue for dinner.
“I made meatloaf,” Carole says, beaming at him as she places a pitcher of water down on the table.
“Smells amazing,” he tells her, and tries not to faceplant into it when his father claps him on the back.
“Nice to see you buddy.”
Kurt smiles, and adjusts his bowtie. “You too.”
“So, Finn, you started back with the football team yet?” his dad asks later, when they’re all eating.
“Yeah!” Finn nods enthusiastically, meatloaf crumbling from his mouth. Kurt cringes. How could anybody actually believe he had a crush on Finn? He's sweet, and easy on the eye, sure, but his table manners and hygiene are lacking unforgivably. Then again, Kurt is dating a boy who remains convinced it is acceptable to combine black suspenders with a tan belt and blue sneakers...
“Tryouts were last week, then we had our first practice today. Got a new coach,” Finn continues, after shoving a forkful of mashed potato into his mouth.
“Fresh blood,” his dad says. “What are your prospects for the year now?”
Finn shrugs, reaching for his soda. “Good? I don’t know. Some of the new guys look like they might be okay. This one guy, Sam, he’s really nice. Good at passing and catching too. You’ll probably like him, Kurt.” He pauses conspiratorially, then leans towards Kurt. In the world’s worst stage-whisper, Finn tells him, “He’s gay.”
Kurt swallows, and set down his fork, glaring at his father who has the sense to stop snickering immediately. “Okay… He’s gay, so I’ll like him? Just like you like every girl you’ve ever met?”
Finn looks stricken. “I don’t like every girl! That Lauren girl in the AV club is really scary. I just meant. He’s nice. You’re nice.”
“Maybe you two can be nice together,” Carole suggests. Carole doesn’t deserve the full wrath of Kurt’s stink eye, so Kurt directs it towards his father, who looks far too amused.
Finn is watching him expectantly. “Maybe,” Kurt says finally.
Finn seems pleased. “I’ll introduce you guys! He’s auditioning for Glee on Monday.”
“Awesome.”
-
Sam is tall and blonde and very handsome. He has a hint of a Southern drawl when he speaks, and he’s totally polite, and a good singer to boot. He shakes Kurt’s hand when Finn introduces them to each other, and shows off his dimples when he smiles.
Then Kurt extracts himself to go sit with Tina.
Finn, predictably, is waiting by his car after school. “So?”
“So… I’m dropping you home and getting changed then I’m going shopping with Mercedes?”
“No, dude. Sam!”
“He seems fine? I’m glad you made a new friend.”
“He wants to be your friend too,” Finn says, climbing into the passenger seat and waiting for Kurt to pass his ipod across. “I’ve been telling him all about you. He wants to be more than your friend.”
“I’ve watched enough How I Met Your Mother to understand that this is you being a bro, or whatever, and it’s very nice of you to look out for me,” Kurt tells him, starting the engine, “and I’m glad that we’re good enough friends that you’re okay with suggesting potential boyfriends for me. But believe me when I say it isn’t necessary.”
“I know you’ve never had a boyfriend before,” Finn says. “And so it’s, like, scary and stuff. You’re always hanging out with Mercedes, and everyone knows Artie and Tina are dating. I just. I think it’d be nice for you to have someone. I’m pretty sure Sam’s okay. He seems like a good guy.”
“Not necessary,” Kurt reiterates. “I am happy. So you should be happy.”
“I don’t give up that easy,” Finn says. “I never thought I needed Rachel, but now I don’t know what I’d do without her, planning things and organizing my CD collection and buying me orange sweaters and stuff. Maybe you could use someone too. I don’t think Sam’s gonna give up. You’re kind of a special guy. He stared at you all through glee.”
“I am wearing a lemon yellow dinner jacket,” Kurt points out. “It tends to catch the eye.”
Finn shrugs. “Sometimes these things happen for a reason, y’know. Like, you’re the only gay guy at school. And then another gay guy transferred. And he’s on the football team, so Azimio won’t beat you guys up. Maybe it’s, like, fate.”
“Just because we’re both gay doesn’t mean we’d work,” Kurt says, pulling into the drive. “Maybe you should stop worrying about my love life - as much as I appreciate the thought - and start figuring out what to get Rachel for her birthday. It’s only 4 months away.”
“Shit,” Finn says. “You’re right.”
-
Kurt isn’t actually going shopping with Mercedes - shopping in Lima is pointless, uninspiring and tiresome, so the weekends are reserved for out-of-town fashion expeditions. He’s going to Tina’s place, as usual.
Artie and Rachel are playing chess on the coffee table when Kurt arrives. He doesn’t bother asking where Mercedes and Tina are. He has to pass Tina’s bedroom to get to the den, and the stripey toe-sock on the doorknob tells him more than he needs to know.
“Finally found something Rachel isn’t perfect at,” Artie says by way of greeting. Kurt sits down beside him on the couch, tilting his head to take in the game.
“You mean you realised she actually makes a conscious decision about the clothes she puts on every morning?”
“You’re such a bitch,” Rachel says.
Kurt flaps his hand. “Yeah, yeah.”
“She sucks at chess too.” Artie sounds oddly thrilled by this news. Kurt isn’t really sure why, because Artie is better than everyone at chess, but Artie can also do a bunch of things Rachel can’t. Like play guitar and bass, and edit together super awesome Madonna videos. Not to mention all the things he can do with his penis. Kurt is 98% sure that Rachel can’t do any of those. Not unless some of the filthier etchings on the back of the girls’ bathroom doors are true. But those thoughts - Artie-penis-thoughts, not Rachel-2%-girl-penis-thoughts - are for later. The afternoon is young.
“You must be in the most desperate throes of boredom, then. Breaking out the chess set. Next time I’ll drive here faster.” Kurt pecks Artie on the cheek and slides back against the couch cushions.
“You have no idea,” Artie tells him. Rachel stares intently at the chessboard. “Checkmate, by the way.”
“Damn.”
“Your boyfriend is trying to set me up with a jock,” he says to distract her from her short-fallings as a chess player.
“Doesn’t he realise you’re supposed to be crushing on him?” Artie asks.
Kurt shrugs. “I can only do it properly at school. It’s way too creepy when you’re sharing the house with the guy.”
“He’s just trying to help,” Rachel says. “He wants to be a good big brother. It’s sweet.”
“I’m older than Finn,” Kurt replies. “And it’s sweet, but it’s also annoying.”
“Want me to run over his toes?” Artie offers.
“Finn? Or Sam?”
“Eh,” Artie says, “I’m open to either. Also, you never said hello properly. Where’s the love?”
“My bad,” Kurt says, and kisses him properly. Doing so requires a complete shift on the couch so that he’s straddling Artie’s thighs, curving his back and leaning down over him. “Hello.”
“Much better,” Artie says, tilting his head up against the back of the couch.
“Ugh, you guys too?” Rachel gets up. “I’m going to see if Finn wants to practice our new song.”
“Please don’t practice on my bed,” Kurt calls after her. “Or my couch. I really don’t care if the acoustics are better in the basement. Not cool.”
She shrugs, shooting a thousand-watt smile back at him. “Play nice, boys. See you tomorrow.”
-
“Finn was telling me you used to be on the football team,” Sam says to Kurt, leaning against the baby grand while they wait for Schue to make an appearance. His teeth are impossibly white.
“For a whole week,” Kurt replies. “Then I reached my stirrup-pants limit and had to go on a shopping spree to recover from the ordeal.”
“Oh,” Sam says. He smiles, slow and lazy. “That’s cool.”
Kurt nods. “Mmmm.”
“Ouch!”
“Oh, sorry man.” Artie wheels past innocently. “Didn’t see you there.”
Sam waves it off weakly. Kurt’s kind of impressed. Getting your toes crushed by the full force of Artie’s wheelchair hurts like a motherbitch. Then again, yelling at a boy in a wheelchair probably isn’t the best way to impress someone.
Artie winks at him. Kurt wrinkles his nose.
As dramatically timed as ever, Schuester whirls into the room.
“Good news, guys!” he starts. “I just thought of the best topic for this week’s assignments. We’re doing gender. Songs that focus on what it means to be a man or a woman. You guys are all teenagers. Busy finding yourselves and carving your true identities. This is totally relevant.”
Rachel raises her hand. “Mr Schue, I just want to clarify. Do you mean gender, or sex?”
“…is there a difference?”
Kurt figures it’s probably a good time to take a seat. It’s going to be a long hour.
-
“It’s a love triangle!” Tina announces.
“What?”
“Brittany, Mike and Matt were talking about it in chemistry. The love triangle between you, Sam and Finn. Sam likes you, you like Finn, Finn likes football, Sam’s the hottest guy on the football team.”
“I don’t think that counts as triangle,” Artie says.
Kurt frowns. “Wait, Brittany takes chemistry?”
Tina nods. “And it’s terrifying.”
“I feel like this is getting slightly out of hand,” Artie says.
Kurt has to agree. “It was fine when it was just Finn. Because me crushing pathetically on the football-quarterback-who-happens-to-be-my-almost-step-brother is kind of funny. Now it’s getting too involved, and jock physique has absolutely nothing on hipster-geek-chic. Rachel, call off your man.”
She raises both hands helplessly. “I tried! Finn has his heart set on finding you true love to mirror his own relationship success, by which I mean me, and who am I to stand in the way of his dreams?”
“You suck,” Artie says. Rachel brushes it off easily.
-
There is a daisy sticking out of the vents in his locker when he comes out of third period the next day.
“Ooh, loverboy,” Mercedes says, plucking it from the metal and tucking it into the band of Kurt’s hat.
It’s Sam, obviously. Or Finn, pretending to be Sam to convince Kurt to consider Sam as an option.
It’s not Artie, that much he knows. Mostly because Kurt has a top locker and Artie can’t reach the vents. Also because Kurt blew off third period to hang out with Artie in the dimly lit AV club room. Even taking into consideration the time Kurt spent fixing his hair and reapplying lipgloss after he left, there’s no way Artie made it back in time to plant the flower then disappear again.
Makes no sense, either. He could’ve just given it to Kurt when Kurt was sitting in his lap.
So, Sam.
“Sam,” Mercedes sings, wiggling her eyebrows. Kurt drops his books inside and closes the locker again, setting off in the direction of the choir room.
“Enough,” he says. “This is silly. He seems nice. I just need to talk to him, before Finn gets even more carried away.”
“You mean before Finn convinces Sammy boy to serenade you in front of the whole glee club?”
“Ugh. We haven’t even had a real conversation, you know. I don’t even know what he’s like, perfect teeth aside. Or if he actually likes me, or he’s just going along with Finn’s crazy plan to stay on the QB’s good side. This whole thing is just smoke and mirrors and misguided intentions.”
Mercedes links her arm through his. “Simmer, boy. Of course he likes you. Why wouldn’t he? You’re cute and pretty and fabulously dressed and out. Just be rational. Let him down easy.”
She pauses for a minute as they turn into the music corridor. “Sooner the better, really. Something tells me Artie’s the jealous type.”
“Pshh,” Kurt says. “Artie? No way.”
-
Sam serenades him in front of the entire glee club.
And Artie is totally the jealous type.
He’s not even subtle when he rams his wheelchair into Sam’s legs. He does it right in the middle of the room, as soon as the final chords of ‘Take a Chance on Me’ fade out, leaving Sam on bent knee in front of Kurt’s chair.
“Abba? Seriously?”
“Artie,” Kurt says, standing up.
Artie backs up, and a second later Sam is sprawled on the floor. “Also? Singing girls’ songs is Kurt’s thing.”
“Artie, it’s okay,” Kurt says, looking down at Sam. “Are you alright?”
Sam manages a smile, climbing to his feet. “Yeah.” He looks to Artie. “Dude, is there a problem? Or, like, did your brakes screw up or something?”
“Wheelchair kid’s got beef,” Santana says from the back row.
“Fight!” Puck calls, trying to start a chant. “Fight! Fight!”
Mike places his hand down on Puck’s wrist, silently shaking his head.
“I’m really sorry,” Sam says. “Was I out of line? Finn said that’s how you guys do it here.”
“We do have a healthy history of expressing personal feelings through song,” Rachel puts in. “Especially to one another. It’s how Finn and I first bonded. Your performance was fine, although your vocal range necessitated a transposition that I wouldn’t ideally select for myself, or for a group performance. Really, your only crime here is ignorance.”
Brittany raises her hand. “What? And why is Artie all red?”
“I’m red because Kurt is mine,” Artie answers. “Well, I’m red because I’m angry and I’m angry because Kurt is mine and -”
“-and you’re jealous,” Kurt finishes. He’s kind of secretly delighted by this revelation. “You’re totally the jealous type, and I never knew!”
Artie manages to look bashful despite having just repeatedly rammed his wheelchair into another boy’s legs. “I’ve never had competition before.”
“That’s kind of hot,” Kurt whispers.
Santana shakes her head. “Okay, I am officially confused. Somebody want to explain what the hell is going on?”
“Uh. Kurt and I are dating?”
Artie’s unhelpfully-intoned statement is met with a barrage of questions from everyone in the room, Tina Mercedes and Rachel aside.
“What?”
“How?”
“Since when?”
“No way!”
That last one isn’t so much a question.
Artie shrugs at everyone. One of his suspenders slips down over his shoulder, and he looks adorable. What the hell, Kurt thinks. The secret’s out. So he leans down to fix the suspender, and kisses Artie thoroughly in the process.
As well as being generally awesome, the move is also effective in shutting everyone up.
Kurt wipes his mouth.
“We’ve been dating since a month after New Directions first started,” he tells the room, just in case they were still waiting for their questions to be answered.
“That’s like a year and a half,” Finn says.
“What about Tina?” Puck asks.
“What about Finn?” Santana asks.
“…we’re really good actors? And Finn’s practically my brother, so that would be incesty?”
“And Tina?” Santana prompts.
“Is completely committed to Mercedes,” Tina answers, holding up their joined hands to the room. “For approximately as long as Kurt and Artie have been together. Only with fewer fake-crushes.”
This second bombshell is met with silence.
Then Puck speaks.
“Wow. I thought you guys were just nerds, but you’ve really been boning each other behind the library stacks. Awesome!”
“Tacky,” Mercedes replies.
“Only in the bathroom and the AV club,” Artie says at the same time.
Kurt feels his face blush bright red.
“Is Kurt angry too?” Brittany asks Santana.
“Just a sneaky bitch,” she replies, watching him thoughtfully. “And there I thought you were in the running for Ohio’s most desperate virgin. Why lie?”
He smiles at her. “I never did. You assumed. Why assume?”
“Because you and wheelchair kid are the surprise pairing of the century,” Puck replies, answering for her. “Well, apart from Aretha and Tina. That’s kind of hot. In a freaky way. A hot, freaky way.”
Mercedes gives him the finger.
“I like messing with your head,” Kurt tells Santana honestly. “It’s kind of hilarious, really. Plus, you guys are all happy enough to assume that I’m pining after Finn; that a gay guy can’t be friends with a straight guy without being in love with him. Or that Tina and Artie can’t be best friends; they must be sleeping together. So, you guys assume, and do a really bad job of whispering behind our backs. And we don’t correct you, and spend a year and a half laughing our asses off at all of you.”
“Dude,” Finn says. “You and Artie. Seriously?”
“Uh, yeah.” Kurt nods. “That’s kind of what I just finished explaining.”
“But your dad! He’s going to freak. And I accidentally found his gun collection when I was looking for golf tees the other day.”
“Why were you - oh, never mind. My dad knows, Finn. He met Artie and did the whole scary-dad thing back when we first started dating. It’s old news now. That’s probably why he starts choking on his corn cob every time you mention Sam at dinner. He thinks it’s hilarious, you as a matchmaker.”
“Aww,” Finn says. Rachel slips her arm around his waist.
Mr Schue claps his hands awkwardly.
“Well, this has been… enlightening, I guess. But we really need to get moving on our group number for this week.”
“What is it?” Rachel asks immediately.
“Uh…” Mr Schue looks around shiftily. “Well, it was ‘When A Man Loves A Woman’. But I’m thinking maybe we should reconsider.”
Rachel looks around at the room - Kurt sitting in Artie’s lap, Tina and Mercedes pressed against each other, Brittany and Santana in their matching uniforms, Sam rubbing his bruised shins by the piano. “I think that might be a good idea.”
Author: notfar
Pairings: Artie/Kurt, Tina/Mercedes, Rachel/Finn
Rating: PG
Word Count: 4,700
Disclaimer: Don’t own Glee and this never happened
Spoilers: Could be considered spoilery for the new season
Summary: Kurt and Artie are secretly dating. So are Mercedes and Tina. Because it's just more fun if nobody knows. Based on this prompt at the glee_fluff_meme .
Finn is wearing green pants, and Kurt is fascinated. He can’t stop staring. They’re not jeans, or sweatpants even. They’re slacks. Glee performances aside, Kurt has never seen Finn wearing slacks. Let alone bottle green ones. They’re paired with a dark orange sweater, and Kurt wants to cry. There, and he’d been making such good progress with Finn.
“Could you be any more obvious?” Santana asks from the row behind, her legs crossed and her eyebrows raised. “What, are you trying to stare a hole in his clothes?”
Kurt rolls his eyes, not even bothering to look back at her. Instead, he turns his head to Rachel, sitting front and centre as usual.
“Your horrendous fashion sense seems to be contagious,” he tells her. “I spent all summer convincing him to throw out all of his jeans with holes in them, and now he’s regressed. This is a disaster.”
Rachel frowns at him, looking across to where Finn is bent over the drum kit. “I think Finn looks splendid. The colour brings out his eyes.”
“It really doesn’t. You’re going to have to drive him home today. I refuse to be seen with him like that.”
“Fine.” Rachel scowls, standing up just as Mr Schuester jogs into the choir room.
“Sorry I’m late guys! Somebody super-glued the copy machine closed, so I couldn’t make copies of our new piece. We’ll just have to practice some of our old numbers today,” Schue tells everyone.
Rachel raises her hand. “Wait, what is it?”
“Love is a Battlefield.”
“Know it by heart,” Rachel replies immediately. “Brad?”
-
“I thought Santana was going to stab you with her eyeliner pencil,” Tina says later. They’re at her place; lawyers for parents and no siblings tends to equal a reliably empty house, something that Kurt can no longer claim since Finn and his mom moved in. Plus, Tina’s place is largely wheelchair-accessible. It’s an easy decision.
Mercedes nods. “Girl hates being ignored.”
“I know,” Kurt says loftily, fiddling with one of Artie’s suspenders until Artie flicks him in the arm. “Maybe I’d listen if she had something interesting to say. Stare a hole in his clothes. Please. Finn sleeps in his underwear. And then stumbles into the kitchen for breakfast in his underwear. I’ve seen more skin than I could ever possibly want to.”
“Damn straight you have,” Artie says, mock-stern.
“I could never see too much of your skin,” Kurt replies, sickly sweet. He tilts his head back, fluttering his eyelashes for extra effect.
Tina, Mercedes and Artie all make gagging noises.
Kurt grins at them all and stands up. “I need a drink. Anyone else?”
“Mountain Dew,” Tina and Mercedes crow in unison.
“Surprise me,” Artie calls.
Tina’s refrigerator is stocked exclusively with Mountain Dew, in the same way her cupboards contain oreos and very little else. She’s a take-out kind of girl. Kurt suspects that it’s also a good excuse to spend several nights a week eating dinner at Mercedes’.
He can’t fault her tactics or her motivation. Mama Jones is an amazing cook.
He grabs four cans of Mountain Dew.
-
Kurt meets Mercedes at her locker the next morning, and they catch up with Artie and Tina a little further down the corridor.
“I’m thinking Simpsons marathon and pizza tonight,” Tina says.
Artie pretends to think about that, then sighs dramatically. “I guess I could be okay with that.”
Mercedes rolls her eyes. “I’ll bring my dvds.”
“Cheerios practice,” Kurt tells them, grimacing briefly before thinking better of it. So not worth the wrinkles.
Artie pets his hand sympathetically.
“We’ll save you a slice,” Tina promises, stepping around to take the handles of Artie’s wheelchair. “See you guys at lunch?”
“You know it,” Mercedes says.
-
“Wheels and that asian chick are totally doing it,” Puck says. Finn, Mike and Matt are gathered around him, listening intently. It’s like a bizarre jock gossip circle. At Puck’s words, all heads turn towards Artie. He’s noodling around on one of the guitars, Tina perched on a chair right beside him.
“Dude, totally,” Finn breathes.
Kurt resists the urge to snort. It’s unattractive. He goes to exchange a knowing glance with Mercedes instead, but she’s busy being distracted by the hole in Tina’s fishnets.
“I bet she’s into kinky shit,” Puck’s saying. “Whips and chains and stuff.”
Mike leans forward. “You think?”
“Definitely.” Puck nods decisively. “She’s shy, and shit. That’s, like, international code for likes it dirty.”
“Artie’s a lucky guy,” Finn says wistfully.
“Aren’t you dating Rachel?” Matt asks.
“Oh yeah.” Finn sits up quickly.
Kurt shakes his head fondly.
From the end of the row of chairs, Santana watches closely.
-
“They cornered me,” Kurt announces to the room once he lets himself in to Tina’s house. Cheerios practice only just finished and his hair is still damp. It’s dark outside, close to eight o’clock, but that’s why his dad gave him his baby back.
Well. His dad gave him his car back so he wouldn’t have to wait in the dark on nights when Coach Sylvester decided every single member of the squad needed to prove they could get to 200 jumping rope without missing a single step or moving out of formation.
Instead, Kurt’s using it to hang out with his best friend and his boyfriend and his best friend’s girlfriend, who happens to be his boyfriend’s best friend. It’s a mouthful. And it’s close enough to home. Kurt’s pretty sure his dad is aware that sitting on a couch marathoning episodes of The Simpsons is in all respects a very tame way for a bunch of teenagers to spend an evening.
“Who?” It’s Rachel that asks, shifting across to allow him to sit down between her and Artie.
“Britt and Santana.”
“A stimulating conversation, I’m sure,” Artie says, reaching over to push Kurt’s hair back from his forehead. He pouts when his fingers come back wet.
“The usual,” Kurt agrees. “Santana told me I was pathetic, and that watching me lust after Finn is like watching a stray puppy humping a fire hydrant.”
“Wow,” Tina says. Beside her, Mercedes huffs out a laugh.
“And then Brittany offered to make out with me. At least I think that’s what she was offering.”
“Bitch, don’t even go there,” Artie says in a very poor imitation of Mercedes. She shakes her head at him, and he mouths what? back over to where she and Tina are curled up in an armchair.
“I agree,” Rachel puts in. “Brittany is slightly too tall to be truly compatible with you.”
Kurt tilts his head. “Aside from the part where I’m gay and taken, and she’s obviously involved in some sort of co-dependent lover affair-y thing with Santana.”
“Classically, a significant height difference is considered desirable between partners,” Rachel continues. “It places added emphasis on the male musculature and the feminine curves.”
“Guess that makes you the girl in this relationship,” Kurt tells Artie.
“That’s not what you said in the single-stall bathroom in fourth period,” Artie replies swiftly.
“Besides,” Kurt says to Rachel, “this whole discussion is invalid, since I actually am taller than Brittany.”
“Barely,” Mercedes murmurs.
“I have at least two inches,” Kurt tells the room, not bothering to point out that Mercedes, Tina and Rachel are all a whole head shorter than him and therefore have no room to comment on anyone’s height or lack thereof.
“Well I think this is all nonsense,” Mercedes says. “Obviously for ideal compatibility, you should be the same height as whoever you’re dating. Then nobody has to bend over or stretch up. And nobody’s feet ever dangle out from under the covers.”
Of course. She and Tina are the same height. They make adorable little squinchy faces at each other.
Kurt pokes Rachel in the side. “Classic is overrated. We all know you’re just saying that because Finn’s, like, three times your size.”
“Like a giant dating a gnome,” Artie adds, and Rachel reaches around Kurt to swat at him.
“And yeah, okay. Finn carried you upstairs in his arms last weekend, which was kind of romantic.”
“Like a fireman rescuing me from a burning building,” Rachel says, eyelashes fluttering.
“Like a caveman carrying a carcass home to feast on,” Kurt corrects, and squeaks when she messes up his hair in retaliation. As if it wasn’t enough of a disaster already.
“It was totally romantic,” Rachel states, leaving no room for question. “And he only hit my head on the doorframe twice.”
“I can lift Artie from his chair into my car, and into bed,” Kurt says. “That’s pretty much all I need.”
“The man speaks the truth.” Artie grins at him.
“Oh! I meant to tell you, your dad was asking about you at dinner tonight,” Rachel says. “He mentioned how curious it was that I spend more nights sitting at your dinner table than you do. I just told him that your need for social freedom is equivalent to Finn’s need to rehearse his vocals every night of the week.”
“Translation: I probably should make it home for dinner tomorrow night?”
Rachel beams. “Exactly.”
“Not to interrupt this deep and meaningful conversation, but I’m pretty sure we were halfway through an episode when you sauntered in,” Artie says.
“Sauntered?” Kurt shifts across until he’s fitting in close against Artie’s body. Rachel wriggles closer on the other side. Whatever. It’s cold with the air con running, and his hair’s still wet.
“Shhhh,” Tina hisses, remote in hand.
Kurt flaps his hand. “I’m more exciting than The Simpsons.”
“You’re setting yourself up for heartbreak there,” Tina tells him. “Now, silence.”
-
School’s been back in for two weeks, and okay, maybe Kurt has seen very little of his father in that time. It’s not his fault. Really. He just. Got used to hanging out with Artie every night over the summer. It made sense to just continue hanging out (with bonus homework) when school started again.
The only difference, really, is that despite spending his afternoons and nights with Artie and the gang, he also spent a bunch of time at the garage over the summer. But between early morning scheduled Cheerios practice every other day and Coach Sylvester’s special conditioning training - forcing Kurt to run laps of the track every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday morning - Kurt’s usually out of the house before his father comes down for breakfast.
So, yes. Maybe sitting down for dinner with his dad and Carole and Finn isn’t such a bad idea. If nothing else, he can definitively prove that he is actually alive.
It turns out to be a very good idea, if only for the smiles he gets from his dad and Carole when he surfaces from his room right on cue for dinner.
“I made meatloaf,” Carole says, beaming at him as she places a pitcher of water down on the table.
“Smells amazing,” he tells her, and tries not to faceplant into it when his father claps him on the back.
“Nice to see you buddy.”
Kurt smiles, and adjusts his bowtie. “You too.”
“So, Finn, you started back with the football team yet?” his dad asks later, when they’re all eating.
“Yeah!” Finn nods enthusiastically, meatloaf crumbling from his mouth. Kurt cringes. How could anybody actually believe he had a crush on Finn? He's sweet, and easy on the eye, sure, but his table manners and hygiene are lacking unforgivably. Then again, Kurt is dating a boy who remains convinced it is acceptable to combine black suspenders with a tan belt and blue sneakers...
“Tryouts were last week, then we had our first practice today. Got a new coach,” Finn continues, after shoving a forkful of mashed potato into his mouth.
“Fresh blood,” his dad says. “What are your prospects for the year now?”
Finn shrugs, reaching for his soda. “Good? I don’t know. Some of the new guys look like they might be okay. This one guy, Sam, he’s really nice. Good at passing and catching too. You’ll probably like him, Kurt.” He pauses conspiratorially, then leans towards Kurt. In the world’s worst stage-whisper, Finn tells him, “He’s gay.”
Kurt swallows, and set down his fork, glaring at his father who has the sense to stop snickering immediately. “Okay… He’s gay, so I’ll like him? Just like you like every girl you’ve ever met?”
Finn looks stricken. “I don’t like every girl! That Lauren girl in the AV club is really scary. I just meant. He’s nice. You’re nice.”
“Maybe you two can be nice together,” Carole suggests. Carole doesn’t deserve the full wrath of Kurt’s stink eye, so Kurt directs it towards his father, who looks far too amused.
Finn is watching him expectantly. “Maybe,” Kurt says finally.
Finn seems pleased. “I’ll introduce you guys! He’s auditioning for Glee on Monday.”
“Awesome.”
-
Sam is tall and blonde and very handsome. He has a hint of a Southern drawl when he speaks, and he’s totally polite, and a good singer to boot. He shakes Kurt’s hand when Finn introduces them to each other, and shows off his dimples when he smiles.
Then Kurt extracts himself to go sit with Tina.
Finn, predictably, is waiting by his car after school. “So?”
“So… I’m dropping you home and getting changed then I’m going shopping with Mercedes?”
“No, dude. Sam!”
“He seems fine? I’m glad you made a new friend.”
“He wants to be your friend too,” Finn says, climbing into the passenger seat and waiting for Kurt to pass his ipod across. “I’ve been telling him all about you. He wants to be more than your friend.”
“I’ve watched enough How I Met Your Mother to understand that this is you being a bro, or whatever, and it’s very nice of you to look out for me,” Kurt tells him, starting the engine, “and I’m glad that we’re good enough friends that you’re okay with suggesting potential boyfriends for me. But believe me when I say it isn’t necessary.”
“I know you’ve never had a boyfriend before,” Finn says. “And so it’s, like, scary and stuff. You’re always hanging out with Mercedes, and everyone knows Artie and Tina are dating. I just. I think it’d be nice for you to have someone. I’m pretty sure Sam’s okay. He seems like a good guy.”
“Not necessary,” Kurt reiterates. “I am happy. So you should be happy.”
“I don’t give up that easy,” Finn says. “I never thought I needed Rachel, but now I don’t know what I’d do without her, planning things and organizing my CD collection and buying me orange sweaters and stuff. Maybe you could use someone too. I don’t think Sam’s gonna give up. You’re kind of a special guy. He stared at you all through glee.”
“I am wearing a lemon yellow dinner jacket,” Kurt points out. “It tends to catch the eye.”
Finn shrugs. “Sometimes these things happen for a reason, y’know. Like, you’re the only gay guy at school. And then another gay guy transferred. And he’s on the football team, so Azimio won’t beat you guys up. Maybe it’s, like, fate.”
“Just because we’re both gay doesn’t mean we’d work,” Kurt says, pulling into the drive. “Maybe you should stop worrying about my love life - as much as I appreciate the thought - and start figuring out what to get Rachel for her birthday. It’s only 4 months away.”
“Shit,” Finn says. “You’re right.”
-
Kurt isn’t actually going shopping with Mercedes - shopping in Lima is pointless, uninspiring and tiresome, so the weekends are reserved for out-of-town fashion expeditions. He’s going to Tina’s place, as usual.
Artie and Rachel are playing chess on the coffee table when Kurt arrives. He doesn’t bother asking where Mercedes and Tina are. He has to pass Tina’s bedroom to get to the den, and the stripey toe-sock on the doorknob tells him more than he needs to know.
“Finally found something Rachel isn’t perfect at,” Artie says by way of greeting. Kurt sits down beside him on the couch, tilting his head to take in the game.
“You mean you realised she actually makes a conscious decision about the clothes she puts on every morning?”
“You’re such a bitch,” Rachel says.
Kurt flaps his hand. “Yeah, yeah.”
“She sucks at chess too.” Artie sounds oddly thrilled by this news. Kurt isn’t really sure why, because Artie is better than everyone at chess, but Artie can also do a bunch of things Rachel can’t. Like play guitar and bass, and edit together super awesome Madonna videos. Not to mention all the things he can do with his penis. Kurt is 98% sure that Rachel can’t do any of those. Not unless some of the filthier etchings on the back of the girls’ bathroom doors are true. But those thoughts - Artie-penis-thoughts, not Rachel-2%-girl-penis-thoughts - are for later. The afternoon is young.
“You must be in the most desperate throes of boredom, then. Breaking out the chess set. Next time I’ll drive here faster.” Kurt pecks Artie on the cheek and slides back against the couch cushions.
“You have no idea,” Artie tells him. Rachel stares intently at the chessboard. “Checkmate, by the way.”
“Damn.”
“Your boyfriend is trying to set me up with a jock,” he says to distract her from her short-fallings as a chess player.
“Doesn’t he realise you’re supposed to be crushing on him?” Artie asks.
Kurt shrugs. “I can only do it properly at school. It’s way too creepy when you’re sharing the house with the guy.”
“He’s just trying to help,” Rachel says. “He wants to be a good big brother. It’s sweet.”
“I’m older than Finn,” Kurt replies. “And it’s sweet, but it’s also annoying.”
“Want me to run over his toes?” Artie offers.
“Finn? Or Sam?”
“Eh,” Artie says, “I’m open to either. Also, you never said hello properly. Where’s the love?”
“My bad,” Kurt says, and kisses him properly. Doing so requires a complete shift on the couch so that he’s straddling Artie’s thighs, curving his back and leaning down over him. “Hello.”
“Much better,” Artie says, tilting his head up against the back of the couch.
“Ugh, you guys too?” Rachel gets up. “I’m going to see if Finn wants to practice our new song.”
“Please don’t practice on my bed,” Kurt calls after her. “Or my couch. I really don’t care if the acoustics are better in the basement. Not cool.”
She shrugs, shooting a thousand-watt smile back at him. “Play nice, boys. See you tomorrow.”
-
“Finn was telling me you used to be on the football team,” Sam says to Kurt, leaning against the baby grand while they wait for Schue to make an appearance. His teeth are impossibly white.
“For a whole week,” Kurt replies. “Then I reached my stirrup-pants limit and had to go on a shopping spree to recover from the ordeal.”
“Oh,” Sam says. He smiles, slow and lazy. “That’s cool.”
Kurt nods. “Mmmm.”
“Ouch!”
“Oh, sorry man.” Artie wheels past innocently. “Didn’t see you there.”
Sam waves it off weakly. Kurt’s kind of impressed. Getting your toes crushed by the full force of Artie’s wheelchair hurts like a motherbitch. Then again, yelling at a boy in a wheelchair probably isn’t the best way to impress someone.
Artie winks at him. Kurt wrinkles his nose.
As dramatically timed as ever, Schuester whirls into the room.
“Good news, guys!” he starts. “I just thought of the best topic for this week’s assignments. We’re doing gender. Songs that focus on what it means to be a man or a woman. You guys are all teenagers. Busy finding yourselves and carving your true identities. This is totally relevant.”
Rachel raises her hand. “Mr Schue, I just want to clarify. Do you mean gender, or sex?”
“…is there a difference?”
Kurt figures it’s probably a good time to take a seat. It’s going to be a long hour.
-
“It’s a love triangle!” Tina announces.
“What?”
“Brittany, Mike and Matt were talking about it in chemistry. The love triangle between you, Sam and Finn. Sam likes you, you like Finn, Finn likes football, Sam’s the hottest guy on the football team.”
“I don’t think that counts as triangle,” Artie says.
Kurt frowns. “Wait, Brittany takes chemistry?”
Tina nods. “And it’s terrifying.”
“I feel like this is getting slightly out of hand,” Artie says.
Kurt has to agree. “It was fine when it was just Finn. Because me crushing pathetically on the football-quarterback-who-happens-to-be-my-almost-step-brother is kind of funny. Now it’s getting too involved, and jock physique has absolutely nothing on hipster-geek-chic. Rachel, call off your man.”
She raises both hands helplessly. “I tried! Finn has his heart set on finding you true love to mirror his own relationship success, by which I mean me, and who am I to stand in the way of his dreams?”
“You suck,” Artie says. Rachel brushes it off easily.
-
There is a daisy sticking out of the vents in his locker when he comes out of third period the next day.
“Ooh, loverboy,” Mercedes says, plucking it from the metal and tucking it into the band of Kurt’s hat.
It’s Sam, obviously. Or Finn, pretending to be Sam to convince Kurt to consider Sam as an option.
It’s not Artie, that much he knows. Mostly because Kurt has a top locker and Artie can’t reach the vents. Also because Kurt blew off third period to hang out with Artie in the dimly lit AV club room. Even taking into consideration the time Kurt spent fixing his hair and reapplying lipgloss after he left, there’s no way Artie made it back in time to plant the flower then disappear again.
Makes no sense, either. He could’ve just given it to Kurt when Kurt was sitting in his lap.
So, Sam.
“Sam,” Mercedes sings, wiggling her eyebrows. Kurt drops his books inside and closes the locker again, setting off in the direction of the choir room.
“Enough,” he says. “This is silly. He seems nice. I just need to talk to him, before Finn gets even more carried away.”
“You mean before Finn convinces Sammy boy to serenade you in front of the whole glee club?”
“Ugh. We haven’t even had a real conversation, you know. I don’t even know what he’s like, perfect teeth aside. Or if he actually likes me, or he’s just going along with Finn’s crazy plan to stay on the QB’s good side. This whole thing is just smoke and mirrors and misguided intentions.”
Mercedes links her arm through his. “Simmer, boy. Of course he likes you. Why wouldn’t he? You’re cute and pretty and fabulously dressed and out. Just be rational. Let him down easy.”
She pauses for a minute as they turn into the music corridor. “Sooner the better, really. Something tells me Artie’s the jealous type.”
“Pshh,” Kurt says. “Artie? No way.”
-
Sam serenades him in front of the entire glee club.
And Artie is totally the jealous type.
He’s not even subtle when he rams his wheelchair into Sam’s legs. He does it right in the middle of the room, as soon as the final chords of ‘Take a Chance on Me’ fade out, leaving Sam on bent knee in front of Kurt’s chair.
“Abba? Seriously?”
“Artie,” Kurt says, standing up.
Artie backs up, and a second later Sam is sprawled on the floor. “Also? Singing girls’ songs is Kurt’s thing.”
“Artie, it’s okay,” Kurt says, looking down at Sam. “Are you alright?”
Sam manages a smile, climbing to his feet. “Yeah.” He looks to Artie. “Dude, is there a problem? Or, like, did your brakes screw up or something?”
“Wheelchair kid’s got beef,” Santana says from the back row.
“Fight!” Puck calls, trying to start a chant. “Fight! Fight!”
Mike places his hand down on Puck’s wrist, silently shaking his head.
“I’m really sorry,” Sam says. “Was I out of line? Finn said that’s how you guys do it here.”
“We do have a healthy history of expressing personal feelings through song,” Rachel puts in. “Especially to one another. It’s how Finn and I first bonded. Your performance was fine, although your vocal range necessitated a transposition that I wouldn’t ideally select for myself, or for a group performance. Really, your only crime here is ignorance.”
Brittany raises her hand. “What? And why is Artie all red?”
“I’m red because Kurt is mine,” Artie answers. “Well, I’m red because I’m angry and I’m angry because Kurt is mine and -”
“-and you’re jealous,” Kurt finishes. He’s kind of secretly delighted by this revelation. “You’re totally the jealous type, and I never knew!”
Artie manages to look bashful despite having just repeatedly rammed his wheelchair into another boy’s legs. “I’ve never had competition before.”
“That’s kind of hot,” Kurt whispers.
Santana shakes her head. “Okay, I am officially confused. Somebody want to explain what the hell is going on?”
“Uh. Kurt and I are dating?”
Artie’s unhelpfully-intoned statement is met with a barrage of questions from everyone in the room, Tina Mercedes and Rachel aside.
“What?”
“How?”
“Since when?”
“No way!”
That last one isn’t so much a question.
Artie shrugs at everyone. One of his suspenders slips down over his shoulder, and he looks adorable. What the hell, Kurt thinks. The secret’s out. So he leans down to fix the suspender, and kisses Artie thoroughly in the process.
As well as being generally awesome, the move is also effective in shutting everyone up.
Kurt wipes his mouth.
“We’ve been dating since a month after New Directions first started,” he tells the room, just in case they were still waiting for their questions to be answered.
“That’s like a year and a half,” Finn says.
“What about Tina?” Puck asks.
“What about Finn?” Santana asks.
“…we’re really good actors? And Finn’s practically my brother, so that would be incesty?”
“And Tina?” Santana prompts.
“Is completely committed to Mercedes,” Tina answers, holding up their joined hands to the room. “For approximately as long as Kurt and Artie have been together. Only with fewer fake-crushes.”
This second bombshell is met with silence.
Then Puck speaks.
“Wow. I thought you guys were just nerds, but you’ve really been boning each other behind the library stacks. Awesome!”
“Tacky,” Mercedes replies.
“Only in the bathroom and the AV club,” Artie says at the same time.
Kurt feels his face blush bright red.
“Is Kurt angry too?” Brittany asks Santana.
“Just a sneaky bitch,” she replies, watching him thoughtfully. “And there I thought you were in the running for Ohio’s most desperate virgin. Why lie?”
He smiles at her. “I never did. You assumed. Why assume?”
“Because you and wheelchair kid are the surprise pairing of the century,” Puck replies, answering for her. “Well, apart from Aretha and Tina. That’s kind of hot. In a freaky way. A hot, freaky way.”
Mercedes gives him the finger.
“I like messing with your head,” Kurt tells Santana honestly. “It’s kind of hilarious, really. Plus, you guys are all happy enough to assume that I’m pining after Finn; that a gay guy can’t be friends with a straight guy without being in love with him. Or that Tina and Artie can’t be best friends; they must be sleeping together. So, you guys assume, and do a really bad job of whispering behind our backs. And we don’t correct you, and spend a year and a half laughing our asses off at all of you.”
“Dude,” Finn says. “You and Artie. Seriously?”
“Uh, yeah.” Kurt nods. “That’s kind of what I just finished explaining.”
“But your dad! He’s going to freak. And I accidentally found his gun collection when I was looking for golf tees the other day.”
“Why were you - oh, never mind. My dad knows, Finn. He met Artie and did the whole scary-dad thing back when we first started dating. It’s old news now. That’s probably why he starts choking on his corn cob every time you mention Sam at dinner. He thinks it’s hilarious, you as a matchmaker.”
“Aww,” Finn says. Rachel slips her arm around his waist.
Mr Schue claps his hands awkwardly.
“Well, this has been… enlightening, I guess. But we really need to get moving on our group number for this week.”
“What is it?” Rachel asks immediately.
“Uh…” Mr Schue looks around shiftily. “Well, it was ‘When A Man Loves A Woman’. But I’m thinking maybe we should reconsider.”
Rachel looks around at the room - Kurt sitting in Artie’s lap, Tina and Mercedes pressed against each other, Brittany and Santana in their matching uniforms, Sam rubbing his bruised shins by the piano. “I think that might be a good idea.”