(no subject)
I dislike silence. This post has no particular aim or significance. I've just been thinking in words a lot lately, and typing is always my number one soothing thing to do. It centers me. I could really just sit and type for hours. Seems like a weird thing to enjoy so much. Just the act of typing. But I do.
Anyway. I don't like silence. I've always said that if I really, really had to choose, I'd take being blind over being deaf. Mostly because I would absolutely die without music. I couldn't handle it. I'd kill myself. Music keeps me sane. But at the same time being blindfolded freaks me out more than almost anything else. It's such a mindfuck. The loss of sight heightens all your other senses coupled with the fgact that you now have no idea where the next... anyting is going to come from, nevermind what exactly is coming. ::shiver:: It's something. But, like I said, it scared the shit out of me. So I wonder how I'd really deal if I were really blind. And if it really would be worse to be deaf or blind. Still, though. I think I really would pick hearing. I can't imagine going through life in silence. I think it would kill me. I wonder if that has anything to do with why I talk so goddamn much.
I never want to be objectified. Used, owned; yes. Talked down to, degraded, and humiliated; absolutely. But turned into an object? Having my personhood taken from me? I don't think I'd like that. I don't think I'd be able to do that. I'm too proud, for one thing, lol.
Ah. Pride. I've spent hours going back and forth on pride. But I don't really feel like talking about pride right now.
You know what always fascinates me? THat I can have such self-confidence and abslolutely no self-esteem. I'm smart, and I'm funny, and I'm sexy, and I fucking know it. But I'm worthless. In my eyes. And I know that's not really true, intellectually, and I know it's not a good way to think or feel. And over-all it's not really detrimental to me in any big way, or any day-to-day way. At this point it's become almost an object of fascination. Like studying a particularly odd-looking bug. I find it most interesting. And I wonder what part it plays in my submissive personality.
Meh. There's more. I have to clean. The grandparents come tomorrow. (Gods save me.)
Anyway. I don't like silence. I've always said that if I really, really had to choose, I'd take being blind over being deaf. Mostly because I would absolutely die without music. I couldn't handle it. I'd kill myself. Music keeps me sane. But at the same time being blindfolded freaks me out more than almost anything else. It's such a mindfuck. The loss of sight heightens all your other senses coupled with the fgact that you now have no idea where the next... anyting is going to come from, nevermind what exactly is coming. ::shiver:: It's something. But, like I said, it scared the shit out of me. So I wonder how I'd really deal if I were really blind. And if it really would be worse to be deaf or blind. Still, though. I think I really would pick hearing. I can't imagine going through life in silence. I think it would kill me. I wonder if that has anything to do with why I talk so goddamn much.
I never want to be objectified. Used, owned; yes. Talked down to, degraded, and humiliated; absolutely. But turned into an object? Having my personhood taken from me? I don't think I'd like that. I don't think I'd be able to do that. I'm too proud, for one thing, lol.
Ah. Pride. I've spent hours going back and forth on pride. But I don't really feel like talking about pride right now.
You know what always fascinates me? THat I can have such self-confidence and abslolutely no self-esteem. I'm smart, and I'm funny, and I'm sexy, and I fucking know it. But I'm worthless. In my eyes. And I know that's not really true, intellectually, and I know it's not a good way to think or feel. And over-all it's not really detrimental to me in any big way, or any day-to-day way. At this point it's become almost an object of fascination. Like studying a particularly odd-looking bug. I find it most interesting. And I wonder what part it plays in my submissive personality.
Meh. There's more. I have to clean. The grandparents come tomorrow. (Gods save me.)