(no subject)
Dustin doesnt want to be with me anymore. he wont hear reason, hes incredibly negative. he isnt taking the entirety of our relationship into consideration. he says its been coming but he didnt know that, feel it, or see it. he says he doesnt think ill ever get better. he says all these things about me putting presure on him, that arent true at all. i never ask anything of him. i never expect anything of him. i know that he isnt supposed to help me, and he doesnt do anything to help me, so i dont know why he thinks that he is supposed to. he takes all these things upon himself that im not placing there, and now i suffer. he wont see how ive gotten better. he wont see anything positive at all. hes so stubborn. he just wants to quit because its easy. because he went to a weekend thing that made him want to be more independant. i dont keep him from doing anything. i would never stop him from doing anything he wants to do, ever. he is independant. i am independant, though he says im not, which isnt true. i do ao much for myself. i chose to go to school. i chose to learn how to drive. i made those decisions of my own volition. i live my day with myself, taking care of myself. but he says he feels like he has to take care of me. he doesnt do anything!!! i dont know why he feels that, he doesnt do anything. he says im miserable all the time and its not true. he just wont even think about good days, about the good past. "its the negative things that brought me to this conclusion" he says. but youre not supposed to make conclusions with only one side of the situation!! with only half the story! he wont hear this from me. hes closed himself off from me. even if there is some way to remedy this, he doesnt think he wants to, because its "risky". oh, fuck, if no one did anything risky in life. i was being risky by getting in a relationship. its risky getting in the damn car. "risky"ness shouldnt keep you from doing things where the gain is sooooo much greater than the risk. he used to believe in us. he is the one who talks about getting married, and he is the one that gave me a ring only last month. only last month!!! hes the one who talks about buying land together. i dont trap him. i dont try to take away any part of him. he wont listen to me. he doesnt listen. he admits he is confused but hes so determined to be negative that i know he isnt fully considering everything. i didnt know there was all of this wrong. he didnt know either. its not right that we should just give up. its not right to quit. if hes scared thats ok, but he doesnt say it that way. he says he doesnt know if he "can". he doesnt know if he wants to try. him and i were so invested. i didnt make him!!! i didnt change him! we are two independant people! i dont know why he could just give up like this. i dont know why he doesnt see any hope for us, something he was soooo sure of. i dont know why he cant see the potential he used to see. i dont know how i can stop seeing it. i dont know how i can let go of the future that was so sure and the love that is so solid i have no doubt in my mind that it was going to be. i love him so much. he is such a great person and what we are supposed to have was so beautiful. and he wont see it, he doesnt even try. he is dead set. hes making a rash decision, on one side of things. no relationship is without its ups and downs. no relationship can be anything without effort. and now that weve come to the apex of a supposedly gathering problem, we should face it and do what we need to work though it. but no. he doesnt see it that way. its too much. he doesnt want to work. he wants to be free. he has always been free. if he feels that isnt true, then it is because of presures he imposed upon himself. marraige. "taking care of me" i dont know what the heck he does to that end. i never asked him to "take care of me". hes not my damn shrink. i dont expect him to be. he has always been free. he has grown, i have not impeded anything that he wants to do or any way he wants to change or grow. he does what he wants, goes where he wants, eats what he wants. sometimes ive gotten upset because he has spent more time doing political things and we talked about that when i felt that way, and came to the conclusion that there was an acceptible balance between these things. i dont stop him. for now we are sleeping in separate rooms, and it is killing me. i love him so much. his emotions never, ever, ever come out, and its so hard to know they are truely there. i dont understand how love cannot be enough strength and power and reason to try to fix whatever is wrong. i guess right now nothing is definate, but hes so negative, and refuses to see positive, that i feel i know where it will end. im not mad, because i cannot be. hes not wrong, but i dont think he is going about things correctly, holistically. hes giving up. he doesnt see all the positive changes i have made in myself. they dont matter because they "cant change the past". thats not what it is about!! its about making the future better. its about believing and faith and love. with every bit of my body i believe in our love and future. he did too. its so out of character for him to be negative. for him to not have hope. if communcation is an issue, then we know that now, and it has been because we have been busy, both of us. that is not abnormal of a problem to have, its a time every relationship goes through. i think this is all about communication. the things he says were not clear to him until now, were not clear to either of us. and if they went on for as long as he says, we did not know. he isnt even clear on if/when these things/feelings happened. how can a problem so unclear be allowed to take over the fate of our relationship?? we should not hurt what we have just because we did not see that something that accumulated. in any relationship, things accumulate, and they get to a point where you figure out how to better the situation. you dont just QUIT. you dont just give up on everything. i cant get him to see this. i cant get him to see anything. i am totally powerless in this. he is determined to see only the negative, and to be negative about it. i dont know what to do. i dont know what to think about this. i just wish he would understand how he doesnt need to feel these pressures. i just wish he would let himself feel all of the good things that he is denying. i just wish he would believe me when i say how our future would be so great, so loving, so fantastic and full of growth and experience and yes it would not be easy but nothing worth having is easy. nothing worth having isnt worth fighting and working towards. we have something. i dont want him to just give up on it because of his perceptions or his own mental issues of needing to help others and thinking he has taken it too far or whatever because i dont need him for my mental health. he used to say he needed to help me. it was his purpose. i know that it isnt up to him and ive never said that or lead him to believe that it was. it isnt right that he shouldnt see the truths to his perceptions. he is ignoring a whole world of fact and feeling. because its not easy. because its risky. im at risk too!!! i didnt even want a relationship because i was scared. and there were times when i said i wanted to back out, and it was only easy because i only thought about the negative things in my head. i didnt think about what was possible. he isnt,either. he isnt considering for once second anything positive, or that anything can be done. this isnt the worst situation or problem that a relationship has had, im sure that many have bee n through much much worse. i need to work on me, he has time to work on the things he has. when we are together we are we, and those things may be subjects of talk, but they are our own things. i wish i could get him to see that i understand, and that the changes in communcation are not difficult to fix. that i can work harder on me, and that he can feel free to pursue those things that he is already free to pursue. i wish i could lift those burdens he has placed on himself. i wish he could open his mind up. all i can do is wait for the axe to fall right now, the relationship is in his hands. im powerless for it. i dont know what is going on in his head, but i just hope that he can consider every factor of our relationship, the positive things and potential, besides the fact that we have had stress lately of our own outside factors does not mean that things will always be like this. there have been so many changes during our relationship, there has hardly been any length of time where the factors or each of our lives have not changed in some way. we need to work on things. we have not been. that does not mean there is no hope, no future. i dont know why he will not open his mind. i cant stop typing. its just so frustrating, because he wont hear me, i cant only say what i wish he would listen to to other people, becayse when i say it to him, it bounces off, he refuses to acknowledge anything i say, or really consider it. i cant beliueve i have no power of input in a relationship i am one half of, but it is true. he has taken all of the power. he has taken all of it.