Jan 30, 2006 16:02
I've lost my voice, and i love it.
For some reason, being "sick" for me almost always includes this affliction. There have been instances where laryngitis was the only symptom i had, and besides that i felt perfectly normal. On these occasions my friends Ken and Dave would swoon all about, because they said i had "the sexy voice", and even though it might hurt a bit for me to vocalize, their goofy, amorous behavior towards me only made me want to talk more.
Having no voice makes me feel vulnerable, so it sort of makes me feel strange to like it all the same. I like the way that being any kind of physically sick makes me feel more helpless or needy, too. Im reminded of princesses in towers, that feminine quality of distress and frailty. It all reminds me of a program i once watched on human sexuality. Though im not one to talk up the subject, when its spelled out like a science its fascinating. Which sort of explains the reason for the "princess syndrome": sitting around being sensitive and defenseless, naive and clean, detached and dreamy, is a whole lot easier on the conscious. Now im not saying that when im sick and have lost my voice that im looking to get some, im just saying that being in this sort of emotional/physical state makes me feel a certain sort of femininity that i enjoy revelling in.
No wonder i dont connect with feminism...
Anyway. I havent been writing, because ive been hectic. And notice im trying to capitalize things. Though MS Word automatically capitalized things you write, im trying to learn to remember myself. You know, for all those tons of papers im going to have to write now that im a student again.
I almost completely changed my schedule for school. I dont remember if i posted it before, but i was taking Intro Psych, Intro Soc, Intro Phil, and Eng 101. Im still pissed about the fact that Eng 101 is mandatory. BUT, while changing my schedule i was advised to take a selective "Eng 104" course in the fall, which is 101/102 in one semester, with a challenging, enjoyable, quality professor, that i was assured i would be accepted into. So that is the plan for that. And now i am taking Intro Phil, Intro Psych (the only original class in its original time slot), World Civ I, and Intro to Classical Music. I wanted more than these 12 credits, but was warned against getting over my head in my first semester of school in so long. Sadly, it looks unlikely i will get in over my knees from what my syllabi look like. My teachers (all of whom are likable) like to lecture, and i like to read and listen, but i wont be doing much writing. Ive taken all of these things already in high school and have a memory of them, except for the music course, which looks to be my savior for actually learning something this semester.
And yesterday i tried to quit the farm, but im no good at quitting when someone wont let me. I told my boss i wasnt getting enough hours and i need to leave, needed to find something steady and dependable. He counter-offered with a salary. Not a killer one, nor one that i couldnt top if i were lucky enough find something fleible with longer hours and decent pay, but it was a solution to my problem, somewhat, so i couldnt really refuse, and i dont know how to say "no" or "give me more". Im still iffy on the whole thing. Ive got a lot of personal issues with him/his son/the industry, but more important than these issues right now is my own financial situation. So i guess ive got to accept it for now. But there are kinks to be ironed out, and i though it seems like sort of a bad idea, i want to make it clear that im not going to stop looking for a job with more hours/pay. I think he thinks i cant get better (hes a dick), but im pretty sure i could... somehow. I would feel sort of bad if i left, but not really. I would only feel bad in that "youll never have anyone as good as me/ no one will treat you like i do" type of way, but i know i would be better off in the long run.
In other news:
- i hate Monopoly
- i love Battleship
- vegans CAN get food poisoning
- i took my GED exam and holy shit what a dummy test
- im totally going to the USPS job fair in two weeks and im psyched
- theres a family BIRTHDAY PARTY (d's fam) this week, and I'M included in it!! (usually its d's dad and uncle's combo thing) oh great, im old!
- im sick.