undead strength
last night i had a long vivid dream that i was some sort of undead ghoul. my eyes clouded over and my lips went blue. my fingernails blackened and went brittle. the top layer of my skin became dry and thin like paper under my black leather jacket. i remember perfectly what i looked like and it was both creepy and intriguing. i also remember that the transformation was voluntary, and it was supposed to be temporary. i was a little nervous at first about the whole thing, but it was necessary. it was a disguise. and i wasn't alone.
a group of us were infiltrating some sort of city, and we had to be undead like it's inhabitants. we went underground through a hole that was situated on a teeny tiny island in a large lake. the other people i came with all shed their disguises and changed back, but i did not. i could tell it bothered my comrades but we carried on without mentioning it. at some point i became aware of the fact that i was no longer thinking like myself. my thoughts had turned sadistic, violent, and hungry. time passed, and after a while i remember grabbing the arm of one of my fellows, and i felt the sharpened ends of my fingers push through the skin and muscles of their arm. it brought a wide toothy grin to my ghoulish purpled lips. that woke me up.
except it wasn't a nightmare. when i woke up i struggled to go back to sleep and recapture the dream. it didn't work. it never does. but i was able to retrace the dream and revisit it. the way i looked, the strange surroundings, and the way my fingers punctured flesh, is all ingrained in my memory as though it were real. i so rarely remember dreams, but when i do they linger and stay with me for days. this one is no exception - i still see it clearly all these hours later. part of me hopes to return to that place, and state, when i go to sleep in a few minutes. which worries me.
perhaps i have become a monster as the emperor claims. maybe i am a bloodless, undead, sadist, hell bent on destruction. or maybe i just want to recapture the feeling of letting go, and of embracing some of my own power, dark as it was. maybe i just want to feel strong and unafraid. because despite the ghoulish circumstances, and the knowledge that i was rotting, losing my humanity, and trapped, not once was i afraid. not for a second.
a group of us were infiltrating some sort of city, and we had to be undead like it's inhabitants. we went underground through a hole that was situated on a teeny tiny island in a large lake. the other people i came with all shed their disguises and changed back, but i did not. i could tell it bothered my comrades but we carried on without mentioning it. at some point i became aware of the fact that i was no longer thinking like myself. my thoughts had turned sadistic, violent, and hungry. time passed, and after a while i remember grabbing the arm of one of my fellows, and i felt the sharpened ends of my fingers push through the skin and muscles of their arm. it brought a wide toothy grin to my ghoulish purpled lips. that woke me up.
except it wasn't a nightmare. when i woke up i struggled to go back to sleep and recapture the dream. it didn't work. it never does. but i was able to retrace the dream and revisit it. the way i looked, the strange surroundings, and the way my fingers punctured flesh, is all ingrained in my memory as though it were real. i so rarely remember dreams, but when i do they linger and stay with me for days. this one is no exception - i still see it clearly all these hours later. part of me hopes to return to that place, and state, when i go to sleep in a few minutes. which worries me.
perhaps i have become a monster as the emperor claims. maybe i am a bloodless, undead, sadist, hell bent on destruction. or maybe i just want to recapture the feeling of letting go, and of embracing some of my own power, dark as it was. maybe i just want to feel strong and unafraid. because despite the ghoulish circumstances, and the knowledge that i was rotting, losing my humanity, and trapped, not once was i afraid. not for a second.