the fourth of good-bye
i had been afraid i'd be miserable and lonely this week while my parents were away, but i haven't been. sure, there have been times when i've felt very alone, but they haven't been as frequent as i had feared. in fact, i've been pretty together and happy. especially considering the contact i've had with the emperor. his last letter accused me of being greedy, backstabbing, manipulative, and all around awful. it ended with "good-bye". it made me feel sick. and then i moved on. at least, as much as i could.
i stayed home for the fourth tonight. the princess of disks came up and we had a great day. we went for a walk, played in the rain, snapped photos, pet the dog, chatted, ate cookies, and watched Buffy. it was healing, and i wouldn't trade it for anything. part of me feels strange knowing that i missed out on festivities down in town, that things proceeded without me, but i didn't want to see him. or his slut. or the prince. or any of them really.
the wounds are rawest on holidays. there are too many memories that bubble to the surface. i find myself unable to escape a decade of memories, each and every fourth of july, halloween, new years, what have you...all of them playing in an endless loop inside my tireless brain. i didn't want to subject myself to it. so i stayed here and had a great day. but now i'm left wondering: what did i miss? was *i* missed? did they talk about me? did they have a good time? what did they do? part of me is slightly bitter that no one called, especially the prince. but i'm relieved at the same time. my emotions confuse me, but i try to acknowledge them all the same.
i'm not sure why i'm writing all of this. i had intended to write about my day. my week. or possibly to rant about the letter the emperor sent, and post my response. the response i've decided not to send. i wrote it, but i didn't send it. he doesn't get any more words from me. not even angry ones. none. not anymore. and that's a tragedy. i loved him more than anyone or anything, and now we'll probably never share a kind word with one another again. it breaks my heart. it was so needless. it *is* so needless. but it's done. he's broken things beyond repair. no amount of apologies can mend it at this point, and he wouldn't offer them anyway.
we'll never share another fourth of july. never again will we smile at one another as fireworks ignite the sky. we'll never rebuild our bonds. this was the first of many fourths without him. and it leaves me feeling blue. but not undone. i'm not obliterated, frightened, or lost. i'm not even angry. i just feel sad. a gentle sadness, like soft rain through trees. this too will pass. but now i take a moment to reflect on this passing. i contemplate the loss before laying it to rest. he said good-bye to me. now it's my turn to say good-bye to him.
i stayed home for the fourth tonight. the princess of disks came up and we had a great day. we went for a walk, played in the rain, snapped photos, pet the dog, chatted, ate cookies, and watched Buffy. it was healing, and i wouldn't trade it for anything. part of me feels strange knowing that i missed out on festivities down in town, that things proceeded without me, but i didn't want to see him. or his slut. or the prince. or any of them really.
the wounds are rawest on holidays. there are too many memories that bubble to the surface. i find myself unable to escape a decade of memories, each and every fourth of july, halloween, new years, what have you...all of them playing in an endless loop inside my tireless brain. i didn't want to subject myself to it. so i stayed here and had a great day. but now i'm left wondering: what did i miss? was *i* missed? did they talk about me? did they have a good time? what did they do? part of me is slightly bitter that no one called, especially the prince. but i'm relieved at the same time. my emotions confuse me, but i try to acknowledge them all the same.
i'm not sure why i'm writing all of this. i had intended to write about my day. my week. or possibly to rant about the letter the emperor sent, and post my response. the response i've decided not to send. i wrote it, but i didn't send it. he doesn't get any more words from me. not even angry ones. none. not anymore. and that's a tragedy. i loved him more than anyone or anything, and now we'll probably never share a kind word with one another again. it breaks my heart. it was so needless. it *is* so needless. but it's done. he's broken things beyond repair. no amount of apologies can mend it at this point, and he wouldn't offer them anyway.
we'll never share another fourth of july. never again will we smile at one another as fireworks ignite the sky. we'll never rebuild our bonds. this was the first of many fourths without him. and it leaves me feeling blue. but not undone. i'm not obliterated, frightened, or lost. i'm not even angry. i just feel sad. a gentle sadness, like soft rain through trees. this too will pass. but now i take a moment to reflect on this passing. i contemplate the loss before laying it to rest. he said good-bye to me. now it's my turn to say good-bye to him.