(no subject)
I know i know.. its been forever since i have posted yet again.. i just let my life, if you can call it one, fly by around me.. and i rarely stop to document anything.. im just crazy and pathetic and no one wants to hear about that.. ive just had so many thoughts buzzing around my head lately.. i thought that maybe ranting here would help.. Im just so confused.. i dont even know why im here if i cant do anything right.. if i was any good at doing anything.. just simply living life shouldnt be this difficult.. but it is.. i cant find a good job.. ive looked everywhere.. the places im qualifed for arent hiring.. and the places i dont want to work discriminate on appearance.. i thrive on being myself.. but i am punished for it by everyone but myself.. and even i have begun to give on being anything but what others want me to be.. might make things less complicated.. with fewer migraines.. i dont know.. im just at the end of my ropes.. im surviving.. but barely.. i owe my parents so much money.. and i feel horrible for that cause i know my father at least cares for me.. no matter what my mother has to say.. im just a horrible person.. i cant take care of myself no matter how long or hard i work at it.. i have never been a quitter.. but i just wish for once that quitting was an option.. id love to try this life over again.. and i know im not the first one to ask that but i dont know what else to do.. i have a man here that would do anything for me.. all he wants to do is make me smile and take care of me.. which he has been doing as much as i let him in the last 4 years.. but i just dont know if i love him.. i did once.. and i thought i still did.. but then i get so confused.. and dont know what i want.. and i dont want to be alone.. thats my only fear.. its not dying.. or getting hurt.. ive been hurt.. many times.. i just dont want to be alone.. so i stay.. and stay.. and wonder if i could have a better life if i left.. but i still stay.. and dream.. nothing ever changes.. but nothing stays the same.. its neverending.. and i cant take it anymore. all i ever wanted in my life was someone i could grow old with.. and be happy with forever.. i want to feel butterflies in my stomach when i hear his voice.. i want to look into his eyes and lose track of where i am... i want to feel that little spark when we kiss.. i feel so hollow and empty now.. i feel as though ill never feel anything like that again.. i feel lost.. i feel so cold and uncaring.. and thats never been who i am.. i just want to be me again.. my life has been sucked out of me.. and i dont know how to get it back.. and i dont want to hurt anyone in the process of finding myself.. he doesnt deserve me.. he deserves so much better.. he deserves someone that will return his affections and make him happy.. that might have been what he saw im me 4 yrs ago.. but i was a different person then.. a better person.. i dont who i have become.. but i dont like it.. and its unfair to him.. that i still think of someone else.. i cant help it.. cause when i do i smile for no reason.. but thats just a pipe dream.. it will never be.. i only dream of it.. cause i was happy.. as crazy as that sounds.. the man im here with knows everything.. he knows how i feel.. he knows how empty ive become.. he still wants to marry me if i let him.. he still wants to give the world to me.. and yet.. i still cant connect to him.. ive tried.. but my mind always wanders... to what could have been.. if i had the guts to change my life.. but that has passed me by like everything else that was good in my life.. and all thats left is this emptyness.. im sorry.. i just made all that sound like the end of the world.. ill survive i always do.. im just not as good at putting myself and my happiness above all else.. i want to follow my dreams.. but i think my dreams are a little far fetched.. and i cant take the rejection..