talking like i'm impressed with myself, and hate
I don't think I hate many things in this life.
I mean, seriously, when I think about making a list of things that I absolutely despise, well...
not much comes to mind.
I dislike getting soaking wet in the rain while wearing blue jeans and not being able to change to drier clothes and having to sit through boring meetings or classes being so uncomfortable...
I dislike waking up at six o'clock in the morning with my brother outside my window with his backhoe running on a summer day when it's illegal to wake up before noon...
but when it comes to things that I really and truly hate, things that, if I could, I would send to the moon on a rocket ship and never hear from again and dance every single day, reveling in the fact that I never have to see them again... well...
only one real thing comes to mind, and that, dear children, is this: difficult decisions.
Now, you might say, "Becca, that is silly. Out of all the things in the world to hate, and you choose to pick silly old difficult decisions?" Yes, I know, it sounds absurd... but ask anyone who has ever gone to eat at a restaurant with me, ask people who have waited on me in a shoe store, ask my student advisors from college - they'll all tell you the same thing: I am no good at making decisions in a pinch. Oh I guess maybe they wouldn't say that. In all honesty, I can make split second decisions, and usually the results are pleasing - but that is for your average, everyday, run-of-the-mill (why do we say that?!) annie-get-your-gun decisions. When it comes to a decision about things that really matter to me, I'd prefer to have at least a good long month, possibly two, to decide on my answer.
Now I have to say why I'm rambling about hating big decisions... I have to make a big decision. Big, as in, on a scale of 1 to 10 in importance regarding my life course, this is a 12...bordering on 13... and I do this, I psyche myself out - I build the decision up as if it wasn't already big enough and I look at it from the bottom and I'm overwhelmed. To me, this is not a fun decision (notice how I'm not going to say what it is) because it seems like a lose/lose situation. Realistically, every lose/lose situation is also a win/win situation, but the person seeing the lose/lose outcome is being a pessimist - not healthy - very stress-enducing, and I recognize that - I am being a pessimist, but... that's just where I am right now in the whole course of this thing... I can see the win/win, really, I can... .... really.... maybe....?
and..I'm doing the annoying thing that I get from watching too many tv shows with witty-banter and endless monologues, and in reality no one really talks like that or wants to talk like that, but sometimes we all end up typing like that because we watch the shows, we admire the monologues, we internalize it... what I need to be internalizing is my decision. I have 3 days to decide........
anybody want to zone out and watch gilmore girls with me?