All I want is not to need you now
Yeah. Screw my little "I won't be online" thing. :). The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had no reason to not be online. It won't help anything. The Internet is GREAT. I had a cushy job for a year of my life thanks to the Internet. The only thing is that I have been writing less frequently, but that's because I haven't been feeling it. If I stay offline, that won't help me write. I just need to re-motivate. It's a process I go through bi-monthly. I'll get over this one, too. Not the Internet's fault. Poor poor Internet. Let's never argue again.
Ever since being told that a certain angry midget reads my LJ still...well, it's given me a few things to say just for the fuck of it.
Like..."HA HA! Look how pathetically hung up on me you are that you can't even do something as simple as NOT READ THIS or NOT CARE if something in it offends you. I know that your life will NEVER be complete without me and that you will NEVER have anything as good as me again, but SERIOUSLY...let it go, okay? Just let it go."
And I can say that, too. Pathetically hung up on me. Remember "Oh I love you I need you I can't not be your friend You are so important to me I can't imagine life without you I just can't lose you I'm going to slit my wrist because we're fighting Look I slit my wrist I'm going to kill myself I need you Please don't ask me to not be in your life I need attention I need attention I NEED ATTENTION."? I do. Pathetic.
I mean...not everyone has mental illness requiring that he/she be at the center of attention at all times like you have, so I PROMISE you can stop reading this. I'll be okay. The sun will still come up tomorrow. You still have all of MY goodam crap that you never ever returned to me (But, hell, I flat out told you I expected you to be lying about that...)...Why don't you go cry into that while you lament how you can't live without me in some sense. Get the smuch out of my Journal, okay? You're supposed to be OUT of my life.
As I was roaming around the mall today, I realized something that I had already realized once (meaning, basically, I had it reinforced): I don't want to have children. Ever. As of now. I mean, my mind is subject to change, but if I could plan out my life right now, I'd plan it without children. They are just a hassle. I've always feared that I won't love my kids. I mean...it's a biological thing, right? People just LOVE their children. What if I don't? I mean...you FALL in love with people in life and commit to them (though, I ALSO decided today that most of my life has been a lie. Even while/after Trinity I would strongly argue with friends that love DOES exist and it can make people happy beyond reason, but lately I am wondering if maybe love isn't just a lie like I hear so many bitter, jaded people say. It makes sense. It's just how I feel. It doesn't make sense in any of the forms I've discovered it), but with your children...you have no choice. You don't encounter them and love them for who they are. You just sorta HAVE to. Like a duty. I dunno.
But also...I just don't think I'd ever make a good parent. I think I'd ocassionally succumb to the urge to just mess with my kids and brainwash them into thinking things that are entirely not true. I couldn't put up with childrens' more annoying personality traits. I'd never take them out in public. They'd invariably just bother people and make me angry.
Anyway....Yes, I'm back (not that I ever really counted as gone). Be afraid.
Ever since being told that a certain angry midget reads my LJ still...well, it's given me a few things to say just for the fuck of it.
Like..."HA HA! Look how pathetically hung up on me you are that you can't even do something as simple as NOT READ THIS or NOT CARE if something in it offends you. I know that your life will NEVER be complete without me and that you will NEVER have anything as good as me again, but SERIOUSLY...let it go, okay? Just let it go."
And I can say that, too. Pathetically hung up on me. Remember "Oh I love you I need you I can't not be your friend You are so important to me I can't imagine life without you I just can't lose you I'm going to slit my wrist because we're fighting Look I slit my wrist I'm going to kill myself I need you Please don't ask me to not be in your life I need attention I need attention I NEED ATTENTION."? I do. Pathetic.
I mean...not everyone has mental illness requiring that he/she be at the center of attention at all times like you have, so I PROMISE you can stop reading this. I'll be okay. The sun will still come up tomorrow. You still have all of MY goodam crap that you never ever returned to me (But, hell, I flat out told you I expected you to be lying about that...)...Why don't you go cry into that while you lament how you can't live without me in some sense. Get the smuch out of my Journal, okay? You're supposed to be OUT of my life.
As I was roaming around the mall today, I realized something that I had already realized once (meaning, basically, I had it reinforced): I don't want to have children. Ever. As of now. I mean, my mind is subject to change, but if I could plan out my life right now, I'd plan it without children. They are just a hassle. I've always feared that I won't love my kids. I mean...it's a biological thing, right? People just LOVE their children. What if I don't? I mean...you FALL in love with people in life and commit to them (though, I ALSO decided today that most of my life has been a lie. Even while/after Trinity I would strongly argue with friends that love DOES exist and it can make people happy beyond reason, but lately I am wondering if maybe love isn't just a lie like I hear so many bitter, jaded people say. It makes sense. It's just how I feel. It doesn't make sense in any of the forms I've discovered it), but with your children...you have no choice. You don't encounter them and love them for who they are. You just sorta HAVE to. Like a duty. I dunno.
But also...I just don't think I'd ever make a good parent. I think I'd ocassionally succumb to the urge to just mess with my kids and brainwash them into thinking things that are entirely not true. I couldn't put up with childrens' more annoying personality traits. I'd never take them out in public. They'd invariably just bother people and make me angry.
Anyway....Yes, I'm back (not that I ever really counted as gone). Be afraid.