(no subject)
1) Icepops are made of cocaine. Cocaine and heroin. I know this because I CAN'T STOP EATING THEM. In the last 24 hours, I've eaten about two dozen. Probably more.
I stopped writing right there so I could go GET ONE.
Okay. No more icepops until this is over. I swear.
I know so much of what I write in here is either detailing my own general malaise and current frustrations or basic silliness, but as I was at the mall today, something dawned on me:
I really like the person I've become in the past year.
I know that sounds so Stewart Smalley to say, but I can actually make such discernable differences between myself and the person I used to be x-amount-of-time-ago.
When things go wrong around me, or mistakes are made, I no longer have the mental and external attitude of "who's fault is this, and how is not mine?". I really used to...I don't know if it was a general lack of wanting responsibility for things--I think it's more a basic human nature to want to find someone else to pin fallings on to keep up our own presentation of ourselves--but I hated other people thinking I did something wrong or had root in a mistake around me/us, so I would immediately try to shift blame. In the last year or so, I have forced myself to become more of a "Something has happened, let's just assume it's my fault. How do we repair it?" kind of person. Not flawlessly, and a lot of times, I have to fight off the initial urge to shift blame or immediately vindicate myself. Nowadays, I find I am much more likely to shift OTHER people's errors onto myself so there is less concern over how something went wrong and more on how we fix it. Once the matter of people scapegoating the problem ends, there is more likelihood that tyhe problem will be resolved. And, also, I don't want to be the kind of person running from my own mistakes and errors--I'd rather be someone who recognizes them and faces them head on. At work or at home or with family, I'm much more capable of owning up to my own mistakes (and those of others') so that it is easier and faster to rectify them.
In the last year, I've been able to save money for the first time in my life since college (and, let's face it, in college, the only reason I "saved" money was because of overflow from my student loans and grants). Not a large amount or anything I can do much with, but still an amount that allows me the freedom to take care of things that come up, like trouble with my car loan or unexpected throat surgery or needing a new sideview mirror on my car. It's nice, but difficult. I would be much better at it, if I had a better job, but for what I have, I've done a decent job at keeping a base amount of money in my bank account, when throughout much of my life, I was living in a "I want it, I get it for myself" kind of mentality. Now, I think, I'm much more tempered and decisive with my money. Sometimes I kind of splurge (in the last week, I bought 11 volumes of manga because we were having extra discount days at work), but I have a constant awareness of about how much money I have and what I can/can't (and, most notably, shouldn't) do.
I'm much better with maintaining my appearance these days than I used to be. This is what actually spawned this entry...today was the first day in a LONG TIME that I went out in public in comfy old jeans, a T-shirt, and unkempt hair. In the last year or so, I've been really good at buying nice new clothes, keeping my hair styled and controlled, and wearing clean, new pants or jeans and polo shirts in public. It's not much...I'm still a sneaker guy (can't get into loafers or whatever else "adults" wear, but geez. I'm only 27. I don't need to wear mature people shoes yet!), but I find that my public appearance is more respectable, and makes me feel better and more self-confident when I am out and about (look at me sounding like I ever do anything. But I look nice when I go to the mall or movies or shopping). I really like polo shirts, too...I don't know why I didn't ever used to wear them all the time. I look boss in them. And my hair is fun to gel and blow dry and manage, though seeing as how it is still June and hot, I may be shaving it back down this week.
And mostly, I'm really happy about how much healthier I'm eating now. I've detailed this previously, so I won't go into here at great detail, but I like that I'm consciously aware of eating less sugar and no caffeine, and cutting out minor amounts of fat and grease wherever I can. I made the decision to get out of line at McDonald's today at the mall and get a roast beef hoagie at Subway. I haven't had caffeine since November. I'm buying a lot of sugar-free snacks and treats instead of regular candy (though, I must admit, I also just recent started eating pocky, and it is delicious, so...win some, lose some). Like I just said with the pocky, I'm not great at this, either, but it's a big step, and I think I feel better the way I eat now, and I recognize that I stop myself from eating chocolate that isn't sugar-free and force myself to buy fruits and salads for snacks, and it makes me feel really...I don't know. Self-confident. When I go out, I've been getting grilled chicken and fish instead of red meat and greasey burgers (I do heart burgers, though. SO MUCH), and always ordering water and instead of pop.
So...I don't know. The funny thing is, a lot of the things I've changed for the better were actually direct results or something bad happening to me. I started worrying about my appearance and trying to look respectable about Cassandra dumped me. I started saving money after my last computer died. I started eating well after I hit 170 lbs for the first time in my life last Thanksgiving. It leads me to believe...maybe I don't handle adversity as poorly as I always thought I do. Maybe I've learned how to take a negative and turn it into a positive (a lesson that, to this day, I credit Stacey with having taught me years ago. Imagine that). I still imagine that I dwell on my adversity for far too long emotionally, but mentally I seem to force adaptations to it. I evolve. Like a Pokemon.
What's this? Rob is evolving?!
Sorry, there was no call for that. Just because I mentally handle things better makes me no more mature. As noted by my aforementioned buying of manga.
Besides these things I've noticed in the last year, I know that in the last couple of years, I've become much more polite, a lot less self-centered, more willing to take advice and assume people know more than I do about things (I know, I know...a foolish assumption! But still...I like to hear them out). The person I was in high school and my very early 20's seems to have very little in common with the person I've become, and in the best of ways, I think.
This entry...I don't know. Maybe it comes across as a lot of horn-tooting. But today I was comparing my mindset now vs. the way I used to think and be, and it made me feel good about myself. I just wanted to document it.
Seriously, I'm going to go eat a bajillion more icepops. Yeah, there's probably a bunch of sugar in them, but still....I love them with all of my soul, and if you say anything bad about them, I will cut you. And after I'm done house-sitting this week, I won't be near them anymore anyway. LET ME INDULGE.
I stopped writing right there so I could go GET ONE.
Okay. No more icepops until this is over. I swear.
I know so much of what I write in here is either detailing my own general malaise and current frustrations or basic silliness, but as I was at the mall today, something dawned on me:
I really like the person I've become in the past year.
I know that sounds so Stewart Smalley to say, but I can actually make such discernable differences between myself and the person I used to be x-amount-of-time-ago.
When things go wrong around me, or mistakes are made, I no longer have the mental and external attitude of "who's fault is this, and how is not mine?". I really used to...I don't know if it was a general lack of wanting responsibility for things--I think it's more a basic human nature to want to find someone else to pin fallings on to keep up our own presentation of ourselves--but I hated other people thinking I did something wrong or had root in a mistake around me/us, so I would immediately try to shift blame. In the last year or so, I have forced myself to become more of a "Something has happened, let's just assume it's my fault. How do we repair it?" kind of person. Not flawlessly, and a lot of times, I have to fight off the initial urge to shift blame or immediately vindicate myself. Nowadays, I find I am much more likely to shift OTHER people's errors onto myself so there is less concern over how something went wrong and more on how we fix it. Once the matter of people scapegoating the problem ends, there is more likelihood that tyhe problem will be resolved. And, also, I don't want to be the kind of person running from my own mistakes and errors--I'd rather be someone who recognizes them and faces them head on. At work or at home or with family, I'm much more capable of owning up to my own mistakes (and those of others') so that it is easier and faster to rectify them.
In the last year, I've been able to save money for the first time in my life since college (and, let's face it, in college, the only reason I "saved" money was because of overflow from my student loans and grants). Not a large amount or anything I can do much with, but still an amount that allows me the freedom to take care of things that come up, like trouble with my car loan or unexpected throat surgery or needing a new sideview mirror on my car. It's nice, but difficult. I would be much better at it, if I had a better job, but for what I have, I've done a decent job at keeping a base amount of money in my bank account, when throughout much of my life, I was living in a "I want it, I get it for myself" kind of mentality. Now, I think, I'm much more tempered and decisive with my money. Sometimes I kind of splurge (in the last week, I bought 11 volumes of manga because we were having extra discount days at work), but I have a constant awareness of about how much money I have and what I can/can't (and, most notably, shouldn't) do.
I'm much better with maintaining my appearance these days than I used to be. This is what actually spawned this entry...today was the first day in a LONG TIME that I went out in public in comfy old jeans, a T-shirt, and unkempt hair. In the last year or so, I've been really good at buying nice new clothes, keeping my hair styled and controlled, and wearing clean, new pants or jeans and polo shirts in public. It's not much...I'm still a sneaker guy (can't get into loafers or whatever else "adults" wear, but geez. I'm only 27. I don't need to wear mature people shoes yet!), but I find that my public appearance is more respectable, and makes me feel better and more self-confident when I am out and about (look at me sounding like I ever do anything. But I look nice when I go to the mall or movies or shopping). I really like polo shirts, too...I don't know why I didn't ever used to wear them all the time. I look boss in them. And my hair is fun to gel and blow dry and manage, though seeing as how it is still June and hot, I may be shaving it back down this week.
And mostly, I'm really happy about how much healthier I'm eating now. I've detailed this previously, so I won't go into here at great detail, but I like that I'm consciously aware of eating less sugar and no caffeine, and cutting out minor amounts of fat and grease wherever I can. I made the decision to get out of line at McDonald's today at the mall and get a roast beef hoagie at Subway. I haven't had caffeine since November. I'm buying a lot of sugar-free snacks and treats instead of regular candy (though, I must admit, I also just recent started eating pocky, and it is delicious, so...win some, lose some). Like I just said with the pocky, I'm not great at this, either, but it's a big step, and I think I feel better the way I eat now, and I recognize that I stop myself from eating chocolate that isn't sugar-free and force myself to buy fruits and salads for snacks, and it makes me feel really...I don't know. Self-confident. When I go out, I've been getting grilled chicken and fish instead of red meat and greasey burgers (I do heart burgers, though. SO MUCH), and always ordering water and instead of pop.
So...I don't know. The funny thing is, a lot of the things I've changed for the better were actually direct results or something bad happening to me. I started worrying about my appearance and trying to look respectable about Cassandra dumped me. I started saving money after my last computer died. I started eating well after I hit 170 lbs for the first time in my life last Thanksgiving. It leads me to believe...maybe I don't handle adversity as poorly as I always thought I do. Maybe I've learned how to take a negative and turn it into a positive (a lesson that, to this day, I credit Stacey with having taught me years ago. Imagine that). I still imagine that I dwell on my adversity for far too long emotionally, but mentally I seem to force adaptations to it. I evolve. Like a Pokemon.
What's this? Rob is evolving?!
Sorry, there was no call for that. Just because I mentally handle things better makes me no more mature. As noted by my aforementioned buying of manga.
Besides these things I've noticed in the last year, I know that in the last couple of years, I've become much more polite, a lot less self-centered, more willing to take advice and assume people know more than I do about things (I know, I know...a foolish assumption! But still...I like to hear them out). The person I was in high school and my very early 20's seems to have very little in common with the person I've become, and in the best of ways, I think.
This entry...I don't know. Maybe it comes across as a lot of horn-tooting. But today I was comparing my mindset now vs. the way I used to think and be, and it made me feel good about myself. I just wanted to document it.
Seriously, I'm going to go eat a bajillion more icepops. Yeah, there's probably a bunch of sugar in them, but still....I love them with all of my soul, and if you say anything bad about them, I will cut you. And after I'm done house-sitting this week, I won't be near them anymore anyway. LET ME INDULGE.