[JE] [TJ14] Handbags and Glad Rags

[notaverse]

Title: Handbags and Glad Rags
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Series: Transjinder
Pairing: Kame x Jin
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 9,731
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: Clothes make the man, whether he feels like one or not.

A/N: Crossposted at AO3


Handbags and Glad Rags

The night before Valentine's Day finds Kame busy in the kitchen, sacrificing a couple of precious hours of sleep in order to make chili-chocolate truffles. He's not sure he'll even get to see Jin tomorrow, but Jin won't be expecting anything from him and the truffles will keep for up to three weeks, or so the recipe says.

Still, now that he's finally got someone to be his Valentine it would be a shame, Kame thinks, if they didn't manage to see each other at all. The penultimate episode of Split aired earlier tonight, complete with a startling revelation for Tamai, and they've been hard at work on the final episode. Tomorrow they're filming a confrontation between Nishikawa and Kage in front of the mirror, a scene that'll require Kame to pull out all the stops. He's been practising his facial expressions all weekend.

He wonders if he'll receive any obligation chocolate at work tomorrow. At least if he does, he won't have to justify it to Jin. Jin may not like playing the game but he knows the rules, whether he chooses to keep to them or not. They're idols. People like to give them stuff. Jin's jealousy has surfaced at odd intervals over the years but it's only now he has valid cause for it.

Though that's not entirely true. He's had a hold on Kame for years, without knowing it. Kame was only a kid when he first started developing a crush on Jin; he's glad they're both adults now. Not that this means they have a smoother ride, but they stand a better chance of emerging intact on the other side, still on speaking terms, working out their problems like two mature people - and not the giggly teenagers they both still are on the inside. The past few weeks have more than proven that.

--------

Every time Jin thinks he's ready to hit the checkout, he closes his browser and gives up for another day. He doesn't normally buy his clothing online, but he can hardly walk into a store and buy lingerie for himself. He's not Yamapi. Online shopping is the only way he's adding to his collection and even that isn't looking likely unless he can somehow talk himself into completing the purchase of a silky set in red.

For special occasions, he tells himself. Not every day. As if he ever has any occasions like that. He's not some saucy secretary seducing her boss on the desk, not some blushing bride on her wedding night - not a "her" at all, except when he is.

And when he is...he wants to be able to feel good about himself, to feel beautiful in his own skin and know that he's not doing anything weird, not doing anything wrong. He's got Kame to tell him that, but it's more reassuring to come up with it himself and know that he means it.

What Kame will think of his newly-acquired underthings, Jin has no idea. The subject's never come up. Even wearing a dress, he's always worn his own underwear, and the only times he's had to do otherwise have been for work and therefore don't count. Kame's not, as Jin understands it, terribly interested in girls, and the stuff in his virtual shopping basket is about as girly as it gets. Jin's body isn't, for the most part, and Kame seems to like it that way.

Jin does too, most of the time, on the days when he doesn't wish his facial hair wasn't so dark, or that he was more graceful, or that he had something else between his legs. But even on the other days he wants Kame to want him, regardless of whether he's having a girly day or not. And this is...pretty girly. He logs back in and completes the transaction before he can change his mind again. If Kame sees him in this, who knows what he'll think? That Jin is...too much of a girl for his tastes?

They're doing this all backwards. Kame likes guys. Jin doesn't. Jin likes girls. Kame isn't one. Jin's a little of this and a little of that, all mixed up somewhere in the middle, and somehow Kame likes him anyway. Jin appreciates that, having someone who doesn't seem to care about his gender and wants him for himself, whoever that might be, but Kame would never tell him otherwise - they've already had that argument.

Maybe Jin should make more of an effort. Spend more time at the gym, work on those muscles Kame seems to appreciate so much in athletes. Talk about sports more, maybe persuade Kame to attend a few matches with him. Stop shaving. Cut his hair short. Try to eliminate some of his more feminine mannerisms, as if he could train himself out of a lifetime's habits.

As if any of that would make a difference to the person he is inside.

What he is on the inside and and what he is on the outside are two very different things - sometimes, anyway - and it catches him off-guard at the most unexpected moments. This afternoon, for instance. After placing his lingerie order he tries to fill in a survey for NTV's Best Artist show.

It's easy enough to type his choice of artist, to select his location, to give his age...nothing complicated there. And then he hits the gender question. Two options: he can label himself as either 'male' or 'female'. There's no 'both', no 'other', no 'prefer not to say', no 'don't know'. A year ago he'd have selected 'male' and only twinged slightly, hours later, in the middle of the night when he could delude himself into thinking it didn't matter. Just a blip, just a stray thought. One that doesn't count.

Now he sits and stares at the screen for five minutes. Physically, he's male. He could answer like that and he wouldn't be lying.

But he wouldn't be telling the whole truth, either. Today's a girly day and he's been struggling with himself at work. The delinquent-turned-teacher drama role he auditioned for this morning required a certain amount of machismo that he's doubtful he managed to deliver. Having to remind himself how to sit probably hadn't helped. No crossing one leg over the other and clutching his ankle. No hunching in on himself, trying to shrink down into his shirt. He'd twisted and squirmed so much during the audition they must've thought he had an itch.

It's hardly been the best day for certainty. Jin could check the 'female' option and that, too, wouldn't be a lie, but neither would it be the whole truth and he wants there to be an option that represents him - all of him. It's as if he doesn't exist, if he can't say he's neither one nor the other. That's not right. He's a person too.

In the end he closes the survey without checking anything at all, vowing to leave it for another day when he might find the answers more straightforward. He can't do it now, when anything he puts will be wrong in some way. He's feeling uncomfortable enough as it is.

To make himself feel stronger he layers clothing and make-up like armour - thick black tights tucked into black boots below, belted turquoise tunic above, and bracelets by the armful. The tunic has a soft white inner layer, visible above the neckline, and it helps him look a little rounder about the chest. He's not inclined to add artificial padding. For one thing, flat-chested girls are common enough in Japan, and for another...it's too much like dressing up for work. Been there, done that, not doing it again.

He's not wearing a dress, exactly, but it's one of his girlier outfits, one he keeps for those days when he feels the need to emphasise his femininity, when his usual attempts at dressing up don't feel like he's trying hard enough - like his feelings aren't real. How girly do you have to be before you're allowed to be one? If he wears trousers all the time, if he doesn't wear make-up, if he just ties his hair back and slouches around in sweats, does it still count? As far as he's concerned, it does, but sometimes he has to remind himself of that.

Today Jin's taking it to the other extreme. He spends more time on his face alone than he usually spends on preparing to go out, paying careful attention to his skin, working to get the colours exactly as he wants them. Half a lifetime in the public eye has taught him all about the importance of appearance, even if he frequently chooses to ignore everything he knows in favour of being comfortable. He can make people see what he wants them to see - or he can try, anyway.

Having a famous face puts him at a disadvantage, which is why today seems like a good day to debut another recent purchase: a dark brown wig, with hair longer and straighter than his own. No giant headbands or padded bras this time. This isn't dressing up for work. He's doing it for real.

-----

In hindsight, perhaps 109 wasn't the best choice of locations for a shopping spree, Jin thinks. He'd kept himself to himself on the trains, hiding in crowded corners till disembarking in Shibuya and praying nobody would give the tall girl in the brown-tinted sunglasses and short black jacket a second glance. It's not the first time he's attempted to pass, but that ill-fated birthday meal with Kame hadn't ended well. Okay, so that hadn't been anything to do with him being clocked, but even so, it doesn't fill him up with optimism for this little venture.

Shibuya's as crazy as always, people rushing in all directions, too busy on their phones or talking to their friends to notice him. Jin exits the station just as fast as everyone else. There's a smoking area near the exit and he looks longingly at the smokers puffing away. A cigarette would calm him down but that would involve stopping, leaving himself exposed in the late afternoon sun where so many others are standing still. He can't risk that. There's nowhere to hide today.

Do or die; no turning back now. If anyone recognises him...

No, they won't, Jin decides. Why should they? No one expects to see Akanishi Jin in clothes that fit, much less wearing nail polish. (Alternating turquoise and pearly pink - he's been practising, barely smudges at all now. Too bad it all has to be off by morning.) He's probably the only woman in the vicinity not wearing high heels, but they make his feet hurt, and adding to his height can only work against him. If anything, he wishes he could take off a few inches to help him blend in with the girls in the shops.

That's what he wants today. Anonymity. To be like everyone else...if everyone else were trying to keep a Y-chromosome under wraps. It's not a day to draw attention to himself. He's on a mission, and that mission is to find himself a decent sized handbag, one he can use to hide more masculine accoutrements when he's out, like now. The tiny little thing he's carrying is barely big enough for wallet, keys and phone.

He figures in an entire shopping mall designed with women in mind, he has to be able to find something suitable. Maybe he can hunt for accessories too; it's unlikely any of the clothes will fit him.

Jin joins the flock of pedestrians crossing the road, startled for a second when a middle-aged salaryman cuts straight in front of him, seeming not even to notice him. He wants to be anonymous, not completely invisible.

Women, young and old alike, cluster inside the entrance. A few have male companions. None of them look at Jin as he passes by and something inside him unclenches. First hurdle: clear.

All those floors full of pretty things, none of it meant for him. Designer goods everywhere he looks. There are a few foreigners staring open-mouthed at the hustle and bustle, at the women running riot in their high heels and the salesgirls with their high-pitched greetings, at the pounding music being drowned out by girl talk. It's enough for one American man, who laughingly tells the woman with him that he'll wait outside, and asks her not to do too much damage to their credit cards.

Credit cards...

Jin's moment of elation disappears. If he uses cards with his own name on them... He tries to remember how much cash he's got in his wallet. When did he last take out money? He ducks round the side of the escalator, tucking himself as far away from the stream of women as possible, for a discreet check in his bag.

And...it's okay. Unless he wants to buy a handbag made of solid gold, he should be covered. He takes a deep breath, gazing at the shops around him. Where to try first? He makes the mistake of meeting the eyes of one of the glamorous young sales assistants, who offers him a welcoming smile. He turns away. He's not ready to engage with people yet.

Across the way he spots Samantha Vega. The bags look good even from where he's standing so he ventures out from the shelter of the escalator to see if he can find something suitable. Another girl pops up to greet him, eyes as bright as her make-up, hair gleaming in waves around her shoulders. She's beautiful. They're all beautiful. No one works here unless they're drop-dead gorgeous - no one on the shop floor, anyway. Jin knows he can't possibly measure up to the cute, dainty girls around him. He'll never have that look. He can't-

He forces himself to concentrate, to smile politely at the girl and wave to indicate that he's just browsing, thank you. He doesn't trust his voice not to give him away. Damnit, why didn't he think to practise before coming out? It's no good pretending he's doing this for work - he's not trying to make an audience laugh with his fake girly voice. He could soften it, maybe. He's done that on the stage before, his 'Ayafuya Rei' persona, the one that makes him sound like a dead - and somewhat perverted - doll.

Next time, Jin vows. He'll plan it better. Winging it, taking things as they come - that approach usually works for him, but there's too much at stake this time. He doesn't want to wreck his entire life for the sake of a handbag.

He finds a relatively isolated corner where he can peruse the bags without getting in anyone's way. There's a row of pretty black and gold bags that look like he might be able to stash shirts in them, and he reaches out to check the tag of the first on the shelf.

That's when he hears a giggle. Not right behind him, where he'd know he was the cause, but off to the side, two teenage girls laughing into their hands, and looking...at his hands? His large, pastel-painted man-hands, with their long, soft fingers. They falter as he brushes the black leather; self-conscious, he withdraws them, shoving them into the pockets of his jacket, curling the fingers into fists as small as he can make them.

The girls look at the bag next to him and move on, leaving Jin wondering if they were laughing at him after all. No one's said anything. No one's come up to him and laughed in his face, or torn off his wig. He's as safe as he can be, under the circumstances.

Even so, it's unsettling. People keep walking into the shop and there's no time to regain his equilibrium. He's putting on the show of his life and no one knows, no one cares, so long as he doesn't get between them and their designer handbags.

There's another likely-looking prospect across the way, this one in tan with silver buckles and a heart-shaped clasp. Treading as lightly as he can - he's still too heavy, he'll always be too heavy, why can't he be more graceful? - he moves to check it out, taking great pains not to knock the contents of the shelves flying with a stray elbow. Another young girl, this one alone, looks up as he approaches, smiling as their eyes meet. Maybe she likes the bag too, Jin thinks. Maybe the smile's just to share their mutual appreciation for this fine piece of craftmanship, and not a canny 'I know what you are' shark's grin.

She's about the right height to look him in the throat, and she does. Stares, in fact. Jin turns away, keeping his eyes fixed on the floor and hoping his jacket's collar blocks her view of his larynx. If only he'd thought to wear a scarf! It's still February; it wouldn't be out of place.

Another sales assistant approaches him. This one's a plastic doll, skin flattened and powdered to within an inch of its life, fake lashes thick and dark beneath caramel hair. Jin jumps when she speaks to him. Her voice isn't plastic, at least. She sounds kind beneath the camouflage, inquiring if he's looking for anything in particular. Jin smiles weakly and shakes his head, hoping she won't try to engage him in further conversation. Talking can wait for next time. All he wants to do is find a damned handbag and get out.

The girl leaves him alone to shop. The tan bag's still there but maybe he should get a black one after all - possibly something that looks like he could just be holding it for Kame, who can get away with carrying women's handbags any time he pleases and frequently does. Yeah, a black one. Something basic, but smart.

He finds one he likes for nine thousand, paying for it in cash and nodding in silence when the assistants talk to him about what a cute bag it is, and how popular, and how many nice sections it has. He has to stand there and admire each and every compartment before they'll let him go, which is long enough that more giggling finds its way to his ears. He can't get out of there fast enough.

It doesn't have to be about him. Why should it be? Girls talk, girls laugh, girls gossip about all manner of things. They don't have to be murmuring behind falls of dyed blonde hair about that giant girl, yes, that one with the man hands and the narrow hips, and is that a touch of stubble? Or perhaps a little something extra in those tights? Jin holds his shopping bag in front of him as he walks, feeling more exposed than ever.

Still, he has what he came for. He can feel proud of that. He's dolled himself up and ventured into the lion's den, emerging alive and whole and carrying a large handbag. No mean feat in a shopping mall full of sharks in lipstick. Kame will be proud, too. Jin's not sure when they'll see each other next, but tomorrow is Valentine's Day and it would be nice if they could at least meet face-to-face, despite work.

Kame will be filming the final episode of his drama, of course, and Jin's doing a photoshoot for VOGUE, but he likes to think that somewhere around the edges, they'll meet. He's not making chocolate, no matter what Yamapi thinks. That's never been part of his feminine fantasy, painstakingly handcrafting the perfect Valentine's chocolate for someone he loves, offering it up like a piece of his heart. Kame doesn't need that from him. Exactly what Kame needs, Jin's not sure, because Kame's not the kind to admit to needing anything, not if he can do without it.

And Kame's already done without a lot.

Spurred on by his successful purchase, Jin decides to risk a little more. He's in a building of pretty things; he could find himself some new earrings, perhaps. Maybe even a top, if he can find one large enough to accommodate his shoulders. Kame's already seen most of what he owns - why not buy something new?

Maybe there will be fewer people upstairs, further away from the exits. Still no dark corners, because it's not that kind of place - only darker shades of pink, lights bouncing off silver spangles to catch the customer's eye. It's like being at work. He rearranges his wig so the hair falls around his neck and lets his shoulders slump so when he steps on the escalator, the girls behind him don't think he's a giantess. Rounding the corner, he continues to ride all the way to the top.

The number of people doesn't seem to have decreased, it's merely that there's less moving traffic. Jin makes a point of evading the small clusters of shoppers, opting instead for the empty spaces between, rare though they are. He weaves his way towards a velvet stand heavy with shining silver. It's possible he could even find something for Kame here, not that Kame varies his earrings too much these days, but his birthday's not far off. Jin received jewellery on his last birthday, after all, and one good turn deserves another.

The first pair to catch his eye is set of silver and turquoise dolphins - dangly, though not as long as some, and not so cutesy he'd be afraid to wear them in front of his mother for fear of her rapturous comments. They're not as expensive as his shiny new handbag, which is about all he can say regarding the price.

He doesn't buy them immediately, taking his time to look through the displays in search of hidden treasures because he's definitely not coming back for another round. Next time he wants to brave a mall full of women he'll go shop at Venus Fort: at least that's likely to be less stressful. Less claustrophobic too. While it's a cold February outside, these crowded little shops can quickly become too warm for comfort, even for people who aren't feeling the prickle of nervous sweat under their arms and on a neck buried beneath two layers of hair. Jin wants a hot shower, or maybe one of those relaxing bubble baths Kame likes so much, with all the fragrance and foam piled high around him.

He has to make it out of here first. Jin retraces his steps back to the first earrings he liked; he's managed to evade the sales assistants in here so far but now he actually has to interact with one in order to make his purchase. This is going to be awkward.

"Those dolphin ones, please," he mumbles, pointing at the earrings and hoping his voice doesn't sound as rough to the girls at the counter as it does to him. His hope might be in vain; one of them startles at the sound, peering closely at his face while the other retrieves the earrings and parcels them up for him. He prays she's not a fan. That's all he needs, to be recognised dressed like this. Through his sunglasses, he stares at the counter, at the floor, at the walls - anywhere but the girls serving him. He doesn't want to see his own insecurities reflected in their eyes.

When he's handed his purchase he can't help noticing how different his hands are to the girl's. She's wearing long, exquisitely decorated false nails sharp enough to kill; his plainly painted nails are his own, not much longer than his fingertips, neatly filed down. The girl's skin is smooth and unmarked; Jin's concealing his old scar beneath his jacket sleeve and there's a small red line along his index finger where he nicked himself changing a razor blade.

Everyone in the whole damned shop is stylish and polished and perfect, and here he is with his rough edges and no way to smooth them out. It's enough to make him want to give up. This isn't who he is, either. Not when he's pretending to be someone else. Jin only knows how to be himself.

"Excuse me?"

He whirls around to find a woman standing behind him, holding a piece of paper.

"Is this your receipt?" she asks. "It was on the floor behind you."

"Mine?" Without even thinking about it, a male pronoun slips out. Jin hastily corrects himself. "Mine?" The woman shows him the receipt, which is for a swimsuit and clearly not his - especially not in 'S' size. "Thanks, but it's not mine."

He has to be careful, so very careful. Sure, some girls use male speech patterns, and with his build perhaps it wouldn't be so surprising, but if this is a part he's playing, he's not doing terribly well. He's making people stare, making them look at him twice. Look at the freak, look at the weird girl who can't control her voice properly and squeaks when all she wants to do is not growl. The girl with the shortest nails in the building, on the largest hands, attached to the longest arms and the broadest shoulders.

With a choked "Excuse me" Jin makes a bolt for the exit, shoving the earrings in his shopping bag as he searches for a familiar sign. He can't go outside, not like this. All he needs is a minute to himself, time to stop and think for a moment where no one can see him. There has to be a ladies' room somewhere.

He can't quite bring himself to go in, but the narrow corridor leading to the restrooms is quiet enough, away from the hustle and bustle of the shops, and he sags against the wall in exhausted relief. No more shopping: the tension alone could kill him. He's more wired than before a concert, every nerve at the ready, sensitivity turned up to max, walking on a knife-edge that'll slice him open if he doesn't let go somehow. It's time to go home.

But...how?

Even the thought of boarding another train has the shopping bag shaking in his hands. Trains are full of people and the last thing Jin wants right now is to see people. He could get a taxi; at least that would only involve one person...but that might be worse, to lose his anonymity by making it just the two of them.

That leaves calling for a ride, and there's an extremely limited number of people who wouldn't have a heart attack seeing him like this. Kame's on the set, he knows that for a fact. Ryo's the last resort, because Jin doesn't think his self-esteem can take whatever crack his acerbic friend would inevitably make about his appearance. Pi's not answering, which means he's either busy with work, at the movies, or in bed. In any case, he's unreachable.

Jin's family, as much as he loves them, are also low down on the list. His mother would probably insist on taking him for a manicure, he's not sure he's ready for his father to see him like this, and his brother would probably refuse to speak to him ever again.

That leaves four people, and of all of them, Koki's the only one who's offered to play escort if he wants to dress up in public. He's probably working too, but Jin tries his number anyway.

"This had better be important," Koki grumbles when Jin greets him. "I'm up to my elbows in sequins and fabric paint."

"You're at work?"

"Nah, I'm making Juri a new T-shirt. He wants something original, like you can't find in the shops."

Jin cracks a smile despite his unease. Juri must really love his big brother. "Um...do you...maybe have a little time?"

"For what? Because I am not going to make up the numbers on a group date again; you can tell Nishikido to forget it-"

"It's not that!" Jin has no idea what Koki's upset about because as far as he knows the date went fine - without him, hence the shortfall in numbers. "It's...uh...you know you said you wouldn't mind going around with me in public if I was...er..."

"All dolled up?" Koki says helpfully.

"Yeah. I'm shopping in 109 and I kind of...need someone..." It hurts to admit it, like he's failed again. He knows what Kame would say, can almost hear the words in his head, but that nagging self-doubt is always there.

"Huh, you're ambitious."

"A little too ambitious." Jin sighs. "Are you free or not?"

Koki's tone changes, kindness overshadowing exasperation. "You need someone to walk you around, or someone to pick you up?"

Jin's grateful for the understanding. "Just someone to pick me up."

"Okay. You remember my car, right?"

"Yeah."

"Good, 'cause I'm not getting out to find you. Last thing I need is to be seen picking up some girl in Shibuya."

They agree that Koki will call when he gets there, and Jin hides out in the corridor, playing with his phone all the while so he doesn't have to look at anyone walking past, until he hears where to go. He scrambles down the escalators, possibly setting a new speed record for mall escapes, and forces his way through the crowds outside to find Koki's car.

He wrenches open the front passenger door, flings himself down on the seat and shuts himself in before anyone can see the hooded man next to him is actually a member of KAT-TUN. At least, Jin hopes he is, otherwise he's just let himself into a stranger's car.

It's Koki, of course, though he's looking at Jin as if a stranger has suddenly barged into his car. He peers out cautiously from under his hood. "Jin? That you?"

"Yeah." Jin can't take the wig off till he gets home. He tries for a smile. "How do I look?"

"Like Ayase Haruka's older sister."

"Is that good or bad?"

Koki shrugs and starts the car. "Depends on your taste in women, I guess. If it helps, you look better than you ever did doing it for work. A lot more natural."

There's a 'but' in there somewhere, Jin can tell. "But?"

"I don't know, it's...it's not you, is it?"

It's slow going through the crowded streets; Jin has plenty of time to dwell on Koki's comment, listening to his driver softly sing along with the music. Stray glints of glitter on Koki's fingers and a smudge of yellow paint on his top are the only signs of his interrupted arts and crafts. He doesn't say anything to make Jin feel guilty over it, not even in jest, which makes Jin suspect he looks worse than he feels.

Not that he feels good, despite coming out alive with a couple of nice things. Being away from everyone's stares is nice, though, and he's able to relax into the seat. It doesn't matter that most likely, very few people were actually looking at him - what counts is that he could feel it, that they might be, that he was somehow drawing attention to himself by being...wrong. Weird. Out of his element.

"It's not me," he agrees after a few minutes of blissful silence, patting the wig. "But I couldn't take the chance of being recognised. It's hard to go out as myself, like this. In Japan, anyway."

Koki nods, understanding. "You do this much? Because that's pretty gutsy, taking on a building full of women with their minds fixed on shopping."

"I wanted to shop too." Jin rustles his shopping bag. "I needed a new handbag."

That has Koki snickering into his hood. "You're a girl with Kame's shopping habits. He must be rubbing off on you."

You have no idea, Jin thinks, but Koki doesn't need to know exactly who's been rubbing what, and where, and whether or not it feels good. (Which it does, for the most part, but Jin's still figuring out how he likes to be touched now that he's with someone who's interested in exploring that with him, and not expecting that he will automatically be interested in the same things.)

"Yeah, but I've got a long way to go to catch up," he says. "You've seen his collection, right?"

"Kind of rivals your hat collection, doesn't it?" Koki says, and they share a laugh. When they hit a red light, he turns his attention from the road a moment to exchange glances with Jin. "It's good to hear you laugh. When you got in the car you looked...like you used to when we were filming, you know? Sort of withdrawn, like you wanted to melt into the furniture where no one could see you."

"That sums it up." Jin scratches his neck, irritated by the fall of the wig over his shoulders now. "I should've known better than to go shopping when all the girls are out making themselves gorgeous for Valentine's Day."

"And you're not out doing the same for that special someone?" Koki teases.

Jin's all out of evasions and sarcastic retorts, and unfortunately for him, Koki knows his silences fairly well after all these years.

"There is someone? That's great! So she knows about you?"

"Um..." This isn't quite how Jin had planned to break the news, but life seems to enjoy setting him up to out himself to friends in cars. Maybe he should take everyone he knows on a road trip and just tell them all at once. All they can do is abandon him at the side of the road and leave him to hitchhike home. "It's...not a 'she'."

"Eh? I didn't think that was your thing, but whatever." There's probably not much Jin could say that would surprise Koki now, so it's no wonder he's not even batting an eyelash at the revelation. "So he knows about you?"

"I didn't think it was my thing either, but...it's complicated." And that's all Jin's prepared to say on the subject. "Yeah, he knows. He's really good about it." Which is the understatement of the century, but he's trying not to give Kame away. He has no idea what Koki knows, and that's not his secret to share.

"Happy for you." Koki's attention's back on the road but he's grinning; Jin feels a measure of relief - this isn't going to be the same conversation he had with Yamapi. Koki doesn't need to know, doesn't want to know, and isn't going to tell him what he already knows.

Turns out Koki has other questions. "So what did you get in there? Slinky lingerie?"

Jin lets out an explosive cough. There's no way he's buying lingerie in person. "Earrings, if you have to know."

"Special Valentine's Day earrings, huh? I hope they work out for you."

Now there's an uncomfortable reminder of the past, of the times when Jin would try to work through the awkwardness and make a point of being with a girl on Valentine's Day simply because the agency didn't want him anywhere near one. Getting laid on V-Day is a J&A tradition, as Koki knows only too well - one in the eye for the managers who tell them they don't get to talk about their girlfriends. (And if they have boyfriends, well, the managers don't even get to know about those.)

Jin didn't keep up the tradition last year. This year depends very much on whether he and Kame can find any time to see each other. He's not counting on it, not with Kame filming the final episode of his drama and likely living and breathing his characters - in which case, Jin would rather avoid any entanglements, thank you very much. One round with Kage and co. was enough.

Another day Jin might return Koki's implied "May you get very, very lucky tomorrow night" with a knowing grin - after all, Koki's the one continuing his legacy of eroticism in KAT-TUN - but today the typical manly mannerism doesn't fit, so he just nods and mutters something to indicate vague agreement.

Koki kindly switches to the less personal subject of music - his own - and Jin has the somewhat dubious privilege of hearing his latest solo. There are animals in it. There is English so sleazy Jin could've written it himself. It's both terrible and awesome and discussing it takes them the rest of the ride home, where Jin takes a fast look around for witnesses and then makes a dash for the door, one hand pressing his wig in place as he tosses his thanks over his shoulder.

It's good to be home, where the only eyes in the room are his and he finally has space to breathe. The car ride helped but there's no substitute for being alone, when he already feels like there are too many people for him to deal with right now and they're all him. He strips off the wig as soon as he can and shakes out his hair. He still feels all sticky and sweaty - a dishevelled mess, nothing like the pretty girl who'd gone out in search of a handbag.

He's more like himself, whoever that is, without the wig. The shower washes everything else away, stress swirling down the drain, the weight of so many stares sloughing off his skin, tension and paranoia dissolved by water. Jin feels much more at peace when he emerges. In the thick towelling robe he can't see where his body's the wrong shape. That's the beauty of shapeless, baggy garments. No lines, no lumps. No one knows what he looks like underneath.

Except Kame, who is now quite familiar with the shape of Jin's body and clearly keen to continue the familiarisation process, since he calls Jin that evening during a break in filming.

"Are you busy tomorrow night?" he asks.

"No," Jin says, "but aren't you filming till morning or something?"

Kame laughs down the line. "I hope not. We're ahead of schedule right now; it looks like it might not be impossible for me to get out before eleven. No guarantee, but if you're available..."

"Sure. Maybe have a late dinner, see how things go..." Jin's not going to mention what day it is.

Neither is Kame. "I'll call you when I escape," he says, and Jin's left grinning stupidly at his phone because he actually has someone who wants to be with him, even if he's all mixed up on the inside and all wrong on the outside.

-----

Valentine's Day finds him in the same frame of mind, which is unfortunate as he's got a long day ahead of him of being the perfect man in interviews. Since going solo he's mostly done fashion magazines, and they seem to think he looks good in suits. Which he does, sometimes, but today he doesn't relish the thought of smart shirts and stuffy ties.

He survives largely because he's allowed to keep his earrings in - all four of them - and he's wearing a rainbow anklet beneath his trousers. He can be a little bit pretty despite the monochrome suits. The nail polish had to come off the night before, of course. And he's not like Kame, who sometimes keeps his toenails painted for months on end, done up with foreign flags or gleaming stones, and lets the camera see whatever it wants.

By early evening he's free to attire himself more in line with his mood. He arrives home to find a package waiting for him. No postage, so clearly hand-delivered, and he's fairly confident he knows the handwriting on the wrapping. But why is Koki leaving him parcels?

All becomes clear when Jin unwraps the box. Perhaps he shouldn't have admitted to seeing anyone at all, much less a guy.

It's a gift basket, the kind his mother receives every year, but there are no scented bubble baths and sculpted candles to be found nestling amongst the purple tissue paper. He hasn't had much occasion to use condoms of late, but he still has some tucked away in his nightstand drawer, just in case. Now he can add a package of glow-in-the-dark ones to their number. There's also a handful of individually wrapped ones, apparently in assorted fun colours.

Clearly, Koki wants him to have a very special Valentine's Day. Jin wonders if perhaps he should've mentioned to Koki that being trans does not automatically make him capable of multiple orgasms and with his stamina, he's never getting through all these in one night. (Still, he gets to use the bathroom standing up, so he thinks it's a fair trade.)

The remainder of the basket contains an assortment of sachets and tiny bottles, all of them lubricant and not the kind you use on a car, either. Some seem to be fairly plain and basic; others are more exotic, with flavours more likely to be found in Kame's kitchen cupboards than Jin's bedroom. He's not sure whether to laugh or groan in horror.

There's a signed note tucked into the tissue paper, telling him to have fun and be careful. Jin crumples it between his fingers and thinks himself lucky the package is from Koki, not a fan. It could've been a lot worse. He's been given things by them before - been given toys and told to use them with Kame. They'd shared embarrassed laughs about it at the time, but who'd have guessed back then that they'd end up together?

Certainly not Jin. To be sure, he can use some of this with Kame, who presumably has his own preferences, and Jin has no idea what Kame used on him while he was blindfolded. The memory generates mixed feelings. No more blindfolds, definitely, but other things...other sensations...

Jin looks down at the sachets spread across the table. Kame's into vanilla-scented stuff - maybe they can make use of that one, and next time Jin will know what's going on. Kind of. He's thought about it a lot more since then, doing that with Kame, about what Kame might want to do, how Kame might touch him, how Kame might want to be touched.

Though happily, Kame seems a lot more interested in doing things to Jin than wanting Jin to take a more active role in the proceedings. It's a relief after being a disappointment to so many ex-girlfriends. Jin knows how to be assertive at work, how to convey his ideas (after a fashion) and somehow manage to land up with what he wants, and if he's not happy he has no qualms about saying so. But when it comes to physical relationships, he's more...tentative. Submissive.

He's still working on accepting that this is a) not a bad thing and b) not necessarily due to being girly, despite the images he's grown up with of meek, traditional Japanese women, pliant and obedient in the bedroom - not much like the bolder Western and some of the younger Japanese women he knows, and little, he suspects, like his mother, who makes up her own traditions as she goes along. Knowing what his partner wants, not having responsibility for seeking it out and possibly screwing things up - that's what he prefers, to be with someone who'll make their desires clear and let him know what they want from him. Kame can do that, or could if he'd stop holding himself back. Jin can let Kame do that.

He's relatively certain Kame understands this, how things work best between them, and the impression he gets is that Kame prefers this kind of dynamic too. After all, he has enough trouble relinquishing control in the kitchen in a stupid cooking challenge - what are the chances of him letting someone else lead in bed? Not good, and Jin has no interest in finding out.

Kame's call comes just before ten, and they agree that he'll pick up Thai food on the way over. By the time he shows up the parcel has long since been stashed away. Jin doesn't tell him about it, though he does relate his shopping adventures of the previous day while they eat. Predictably, Kame wants to admire the bag.

"Your taste is improving," he says. "I'm glad you managed to get something nice out of the trip."

"I'm not doing that again." Jin waves his chopsticks in a slashing motion over the carton. "It's too nerve-wracking. Girls can be vicious."

"They might not even have been looking at you. Or, I don't know, maybe they were staring because they were curious about the pretty girl. People aren't always watching you, you know."

-----

That's not a dig at Jin's ego. Kame's used to being watched too but he knows Jin's always felt more exposed, laid open to the public eye. It's especially worrying for him these days, trying to conceal his secret.

And yet Kame's extraordinarily proud of him right now, full of admiration for his bravery. "You did well," he adds when Jin says nothing. "Even though you were so self-conscious. I'm impressed."

"I bet you wouldn't have freaked out," Jin says, but he seems pleased.

"Maybe, maybe not. But if I think of it as acting a part-"

"Oh no," Jin interrupts. "You've got enough characters already."

Kame grins; Jin's concern is not unwarranted. "Yeah, but I'm getting rid of them soon. I had to spend half the afternoon talking to myself in front of a mirror; I think I've had enough already!"

"You mean you don't normally talk to yourself in the mirror?"

"Hey!"

The big scene between Kage and Nishikawa, of the hardworking young police detective finally meeting the darkness inside him, took them all of two takes - one for each half of the scene - and Kame's very proud of it. It's not the only time the two personas talk. They'll do another scene tomorrow, one where Nishikawa realises why Kage does the things he does, and having learned the lines, Kame's sure he can be proud of that, too. His little experiment in method acting might've run away with him but it gave him the right answers; it's a relief to know something good came from it after all.

Although bringing up the subject again is probably not the brightest of ideas, he feels he owes Jin one. Owes him a lot, actually. He should know it meant something.

"It helped a lot," Kame blurts out. "The blindfold stuff, I mean."

"Huh?" Jin gives him that wide-mouthed, almost sneering expression he reserves for the camera when someone's just said something incredibly stupid to him. It doesn't happen so often these days.

"The answers I was looking for? With you...um...that night? I was right about what I found. Thank you."

"Ah." Understanding dawns, Jin's face turning wary. "You're welcome, I guess."

And there goes the mood. "Sorry." Kame aims his apology down at his food.

"I think you've apologised enough for that." Jin scratches his neck, long fingers disappearing beneath the neck of his plain cream tunic. "Kame, the number of stupid things you've had to put up with from me, I think I can handle a few from you. Better that than you going out killing museum guards or something to get into character. I'm told getting locked up for murder can hurt your career."

Kame's willing to concede that it could've been much, much worse, but he's not sure that little pang of guilt will ever truly fade, despite Jin's obvious unwillingness to hold it against him. He knows how to learn from his mistakes, however. He won't be making that particular one again.

Tonight's another opportunity for things to go wrong. Jin has a romantic side that mostly emerges in song lyrics - when he's not busy writing English so sleazy that even Koki blushes when Kame asks him to translate. Whether or not the romance in his soul is from his girly side, or if his girly side even cares about that kind of thing, Kame's about to find out. At least he knows Jin enjoys his cooking.

Once they've finished eating, amidst stories from the set and Jin describing his recent audition, Kame fetches the bag he left by the door and retrieves a small red box. It's nothing like as fancy as chocolate he's received in the past - no heart-shaped boxes, no ribbons or frills.

But it's Valentine's Day, and that means Jin knows what it is immediately, shaking his head and grinning as he accepts the box.

"Chocolate?" he guesses.

Kame's relieved he's taking it in good humour. "I had a little free time."

"You never have free time." Jin makes a big show out of opening the box and sniffing the contents, pulling variety show faces, so exaggerated and comical Kame knows he's going to be gasping out "delicious!" and moaning orgasmically over the first bite, just to tease. "And if you did find some free time, you'd be sleeping, not making me...whatever these are." He picks up one of the small chocolatey mounds from the layer of tissue paper.

"Chili-chocolate truffles. Try one - if you think your tastebuds can handle it."

Many's the time they've challenged each other; Jin can't back down. He pops one in his mouth, whole, making noises so ridiculously over the top that Kame thinks the neighbours will suspect them of something far less innocent than eating chocolate. The fake moans morph into genuine murmurs of delight; Kame can tell from Jin's face that the flavour has hit.

"These might be the only Valentine's chocolates I've ever received that left my mouth tingling afterwards." Jin beams at him. "I wasn't expecting anything, but thank you. They're delicious."

Kame's inclined to agree, having sampled them before he'd even considered giving them to anyone else. He's relieved they turned out okay. There's only so much sleep he can do without before the director starts to notice; he would never have had time for a second attempt. He returns the smile. "You're welcome."

"Does this mean I have to get you a return gift on White Day?"

Kame shrugs. "It means whatever you want it to mean. Don't...uh...don't get too caught up in Valentine's symbolism, okay?"

He's not certain Jin takes his meaning, not with his lighthearted "okay!" around another mouthful of chocolate, but that's fine. Kame meant it when he told Yamapi he didn't intend for the chocolate to be a girlfriend-boyfriend thing, just a gesture of affection between two people who like each other. He'll save the roles for work. In his private life, he doesn't feel the need to draw the lines in such thick, dark strokes. Far more fun to be without borders, blurring convention till he finds a place somewhere in the middle to be happy. He knows what he likes and counts himself fortunate to have found someone whose preferences align with his.

"I could give you a return gift right now," Jin suggests, setting down the box and leaning back against the couch cushions in clear invitation. Subtlety is not his middle name.

Which works out nicely, because Kame won't have time for subtlety until his drama finishes filming. "Such a beautiful gift." He nods approvingly. "I look forward to unwrapping it."

Okay, so it's Valentine's Day, and Kame's well aware of agency tradition, even if he's mostly been too busy to keep it in the past. No one ribs him anymore about whether or not he's got a girlfriend, much less spent Valentine's with her. Having a reputation as a workaholic might be tiring to maintain but it's extremely useful; no one thinks Kamenashi Kazuya has time for relationships in between his half a dozen different careers and they assume if he ever sees his bed, it's only to sleep.

They're not making it to the bed, not when there's a chance Kame might fall asleep and he has to be up and on the set early, but Jin's couch is more than comfortable enough for a little fun and the taste of his homemade chocolate lingers on Jin's lips, resisting all attempts to kiss it away. It amuses them both to try. He's not getting any screen kisses this time, no matter how much Nishikawa would like to get that close to Tamai; in fact, the person with whom Kame's had the most physical contact in this drama is himself. His other self, thanks to technological wizardry.

It's far nicer to be with someone whose every reaction he can't predict, who still has a few secrets to be uncovered. Kame doesn't expect to uncover any this evening, but life has other plans in store for him.

When he slides a hand under Jin's tunic, he expects to find soft, warm skin beneath his fingers. What he finds is something quite different, and he draws back with a questioning look.

"Um, don't laugh," Jin says as he lifts up his tunic. There's a black camisole underneath, nylon sleek against the skin.

Kame claps a hand over his mouth before he can stop himself, an automatic reaction he wishes he could take back. Too much like passing judgement. It's not that he has a problem with guys wearing lingerie. In his line of work, he's not even surprised to see it. But he hadn't thought Jin was interested. Not when even wearing a dress was a step further over the line than he wanted to go.

Jin looks mortified; Kame tries to make up for the mistake by leaning in to stroke his hair but he edges away, shrinking further into the cushions. "I knew it. It looks weird, doesn't it?"

"It just surprised me, that's all. I didn't know you'd taken up wearing lingerie."

"Yamapi bought me some," Jin says quietly. "It's designed for men, not women. I had to try it on, you know? And when I was wearing it..."

"So how does it feel?"

Kame knows quite well how it feels, but he also knows it means something very different to Jin. Kame's not the one lost in satin spirals, trying to find himself somewhere between denim and lace. Though he loves all kinds of clothing, he doesn't need it to show the world who he is, much less show himself. It's not the uniform that makes him a baseball player; it's not the bat in his hand or the cap on his head. It's the drive, the passion that comes from inside, the fierce determination to give his all until his body has nothing left to offer. That's why athletes like him. He understands them, pushing themselves to the limit and beyond for the sake of the team, taking on the challenge and refusing to quit no matter what happens to them.

And likewise, it's not the lip gloss and sparkles that make him an idol. That's his desire to entertain, to want to give the audience the best show they've ever seen. He doesn't need to dress up in shiny suits and style his hair to please a crowd - not anymore. His clothing and accessory choices reflect his personality but they don't tell the world everything about him, and he likes it that way. Everyone should have a personal space to call their own, to keep the secrets they don't plan to share.

But Jin's sartorial choices...he's using them to make a distinction between his physical self and the person he wants to be, so Kame knows better than to take them lightly.

"Weird...but I kind of like it too," Jin admits. "It makes me feel more elegant, less of a mess. More like...a proper girl. You...don't like it, do you?"

"On me?"

"On me." Jin licks his lips, gives Kame a halting look from behind his hair. "Would it be better if I didn't wear stuff like this when we're together? Since you prefer men?"

Now Kame actually does laugh; he doesn't think Jin will mind now. "That would be like me asking you if you wanted me to crossdress when we're together, since you prefer women!"

"Well..." Jin looks thoughtful. "That could be fun to try."

"I did tell you not to expect your own personal lesbian fantasy," Kame warns, though not seriously. He's familiar with the contents of Jin's AV collection - this isn't much of a surprise.

"I know, but don't you think it could be fun? Just once?" The pout Jin's wearing works for him no matter how he's dressed, even if it does lend him all the maturity of a three year-old, and Kame has never had much luck resisting it.

He grins, caught up in Jin's enthusiasm. "Fine, just once. What did you have in mind? Should I go out and get a wig?"

Jin grins back and reaches over to twirl a lock of Kame's hair. "No need; your hair's pretty enough as it is!"

Playing Kazuko on Shounen Club doesn't take a great deal of preparation. Doing the same for Jin, however, requires considerably more thought, and Kame wonders, briefly, if it's weird to be competitive with your boyfriend over who makes the more convincing girl. He doesn't like to lose - neither does Jin - but he's got nothing riding on this. At least, not that much. What if Jin starts feeling inferior, like he's not good enough, that he's wasting his time trying to reflect his inside on the outside? He's had setbacks before; Kame doesn't want to be the cause of one. Picking up the pieces is too painful.

There are details here that Kame knows they'll have to work out, and it'll be after the drama wraps before they next get to see each other anyway. They've got time. Nothing with the two of them involved is ever going to be perfect - years of experience have convinced Kame of this. They don't have to be perfect, but they do have to be comfortable, and if that means Jin's wearing lingerie and Kame's making believe, so be it. He's played out the fantasies of strangers on the stage and screen; he can do this for someone he loves, just the two of them, in their own little world.

And if Kame gets caught up in Jin's imagination, maybe he'll be able to forget, just for a little while, about having trapped Jin in his.