[JE] Can't I Just Take a Shot?
Title: Can't I Just Take a Shot?
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Word count: 1711
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: Jin has second thoughts about medication
A/N: For the
hc_bingo square 'Medication'. This is an AU of an AU - a spin-off of my Transjinder series. In Transjinder canon, Jin opts not to consult a doctor about his gender dysphoria. This fic explores what might've happened if he'd decided otherwise.
Crossposted at AO3
Can't I Just Take a Shot?
Two tiny pills. 50mg of Pirolacton, total. Jin's been rolling them between his fingertips for so long Kame worries they'll fall to the floor and be lost forever under Jin's couch. This is only Day 1. The first day, the hardest day. They've been sitting like this for ten minutes already. If Jin doesn't get a move on, Kame's going to be late for an interview and he's not sure how to explain his tardiness.
Sorry I'm late, I was trying to support a friend taking anti-androgens for the first time to ease his gender dysphoria.
Nope, that one's not going to work. Car trouble's safer.
"The doctor said you're not likely to notice any changes in the near future," Kame says. "If you take these pills today and decide to never take any again, it's not going to make any difference to your life. You'll have wasted a little time and money and that's it."
"Do you...do you think it would be a waste of time?" Jin stops rolling the pills, setting them down on the coffee table next to his untouched glass of water and the leaflet that had come with the prescription. He looks as nervous as a new Junior about to make his first appearance on Shounen Club. "If I didn't..."
"Jin, anything that helps you to figure out what you want isn't a waste, not really."
Kame doesn't count the appointments, not even the first failed few, where Jin changed his mind in the car park and decided he couldn't bring himself to talk to a doctor after all. It had been his idea, but it had taken them a while to put it into practice, starting with the first tearful admission after too many drinks that he didn't think he could deal with this anymore.
It wasn't that he wanted to have surgery, he'd explained. He just wanted to be happier with the body he had. Anything to help him feel less conflicted, less agitated. Something to calm him down.
Fame comes at the cost of privacy. Kame had made a few discreet enquiries with friends to find a sympathetic doctor. He hadn't been allowed to sit in on all the sessions, and he still doesn't know what happened in the rest, but the result is that Jin now has a prescription to block the effects of testosterone in his body. He's supposed to start taking the pills today. They're not getting very far with that.
"You don't have to start these now," Kame says. "If you're not sure, you can always leave it for today and think about it some more." He picks up the leaflet, which he's already read three times and could probably recite by now if not for some of the more complicated medical terminology. "And even if you do take them for a while and decide you want to stop, the changes are reversible. Er...most of them, anyway."
"They could make me infertile," Jin says dully. "I thought I didn't have much of a shot at having kids before. If I take these, the odds only get worse."
"Have some frozen?"
Privately, Kame thinks Jin's best shot for having kids is to ask one of his female friends to act as a surrogate, because at the rate he's going, having the wife and three kids he wants is looking less and less likely. What he'd then do about childcare, Kame doesn't want to contemplate. Jin's lifestyle doesn't lend itself to being a stay-at-home parent.
"I...I should look into that." Jin takes the leaflet and skims the details. "At least I'm less likely to go bald."
"Your fans will be happy." Kame leans over to point out a line. "Are you sure you're not already taking these? It says you'll have slower growth of facial and body hair."
Jin doesn't even attempt to retort, a sure sign he's so wound up that Kame could spend the morning making fun of his party songs and he wouldn't even care. "That might help, sometimes." He runs a hand over his chin, currently smooth. Whether he shaves or not depends just as much on his mood as his workload. "Hey, you think I'll end up with breasts?"
"I asked at the hospital," Kame says. "You might get a bit of growth, but since you're not taking oestrogen, I don't think you need to worry about your mother taking you bra-shopping. Just tell everyone you got yours the same way Yamapi got his."
"Don't even mention my parents. How am I supposed to tell them I'm taking this stuff?"
"You're not taking it," Kame points out. "You've been sitting here staring at the pills for twenty minutes now. And you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to - no one's going to be able to tell just by looking at you." They've been over this ground before, he remembers. He wonders if it would be easier for Jin if he could point to something external, to be able to say he's taking medication for bad acne, or arthritis, or to fight off an infection. This isn't a condition anyone can see.
"But what if it makes me change my mind? What if I start feeling so good about feeling like a girl that I decide I want to become one?" Jin tucks his knees under his chin so he can hug his ankles. "I don't want that. I...don't think I want that?"
"Jin, those pills aren't going to make you girly no matter how long you take them for. They'll just make you less...manly." Kame can't repress a snort at this, because he can't even remember the last time he thought of Jin as 'manly'. Back when they were Juniors, perhaps, and he thought Jin hung the moon. "And it takes a long time to transition. They make you live as a girl for a couple of years first. If you decide you want that, great, but it's a big decision."
Not so great, really, because Kame likes Jin's body a lot better as a guy, but it's a moot point because Jin's never going to like him back, not in the same way. And even if by some miracle Kame actually manages to tell him, and he feels the same, these innocent little pills might well cause them a few problems in the bedroom.
But he's not going to mention that to Jin, who's found the whole situation too complicated to even think about dating for ages but would likely still not appreciate hearing that he could have issues getting it up, or even being interested in the first place.
None of which is any of Kame's business, in the grand scheme of things. He's here to support, to offer encouragement, to be the friend and confidant Jin needs. He doesn't get to have a say. He's not the one tearing himself apart.
"Would it help to talk to someone who's actually taken these before?" he offers. "I can ask-"
"No! I..." Jin takes a shuddering breath, hampered by the cramped position; Kame places a steadying hand on his back, begins rubbing gentle circles between his shoulders. "I don't want anyone to know. It's like...admitting I can't do it. I'm not a coward, all right?"
"I know. I know you're not a coward."
Kame contemplates getting up to make tea, or find chocolate, or do anything that doesn't involve plying Jin with alcohol at ten in the morning to make him feel better. He's great at providing people with material comforts, whether it's a homecooked meal or a new pair of jeans, but when it comes to words...he feels so helpless. All he can do is listen. His head tells him that's enough; his heart wants him to magically take away all Jin's fears and unhappiness and won't stop riding him until he does.
"I just want it to stop!"
Forget getting up. Jin's voice breaks, taking Kame's heart with it. The circles expand till his arm reaches right around, pulling Jin in close. It's not much. A hug is the best he can do right now. He can follow Jin's feelings backwards from a point, but though they end in the same place, they begin very differently.
"I want to feel better." Jin's quieter now, or perhaps Kame's too close to hear him screaming inside. "I want to be able to wake up in the morning and feel okay about being me, not worry about whether I'm going to say or do the wrong thing because I'm not the person everyone expects me to be. I want to be able to breathe when someone looks at me twice and I drive myself crazy wondering what they think they missed the first time.
"I want to be able to feel like myself, always."
Kame's fingers curl into the side of Jin's black T-shirt: a fist for strength, and the warmth of his skin for comfort. "There's no guarantee you'll get that, whether you take the pills or not. Maybe they'll help, and maybe they won't. But you've got this option now. You chose to have it available. Whether you're right or wrong, you're taking steps to help yourself. There's nothing weak or cowardly about that, okay?"
Jin nods, tightening his own hands into fists. Kame feels him tense up where their bodies meet, shoulder to shoulder.
Without warning Jin lunges forward, pops both pills on his tongue and swallows them down with a gulp of water. Kame's left with empty arms but a heart swollen with pride.
"If something happens, it happens, right?" Jin says. "If I don't take them, nothing happens, I know that much."
"Right."
"And if I decide to stop, I can do that, right?"
"Right," Kame says. "But you should probably talk to your doctor if you're going to do that."
Even if Jin carries on, he's going to have a lot more medical check-ups in the future. He's just taken his first step on a path that has the potential to change his life forever. Kame doesn't know what awaits Jin at the end of it - but he does plan to be walking beside him so they'll find out together.
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Word count: 1711
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: Jin has second thoughts about medication
A/N: For the
hc_bingo square 'Medication'. This is an AU of an AU - a spin-off of my Transjinder series. In Transjinder canon, Jin opts not to consult a doctor about his gender dysphoria. This fic explores what might've happened if he'd decided otherwise.
Crossposted at AO3
Can't I Just Take a Shot?
Two tiny pills. 50mg of Pirolacton, total. Jin's been rolling them between his fingertips for so long Kame worries they'll fall to the floor and be lost forever under Jin's couch. This is only Day 1. The first day, the hardest day. They've been sitting like this for ten minutes already. If Jin doesn't get a move on, Kame's going to be late for an interview and he's not sure how to explain his tardiness.
Sorry I'm late, I was trying to support a friend taking anti-androgens for the first time to ease his gender dysphoria.
Nope, that one's not going to work. Car trouble's safer.
"The doctor said you're not likely to notice any changes in the near future," Kame says. "If you take these pills today and decide to never take any again, it's not going to make any difference to your life. You'll have wasted a little time and money and that's it."
"Do you...do you think it would be a waste of time?" Jin stops rolling the pills, setting them down on the coffee table next to his untouched glass of water and the leaflet that had come with the prescription. He looks as nervous as a new Junior about to make his first appearance on Shounen Club. "If I didn't..."
"Jin, anything that helps you to figure out what you want isn't a waste, not really."
Kame doesn't count the appointments, not even the first failed few, where Jin changed his mind in the car park and decided he couldn't bring himself to talk to a doctor after all. It had been his idea, but it had taken them a while to put it into practice, starting with the first tearful admission after too many drinks that he didn't think he could deal with this anymore.
It wasn't that he wanted to have surgery, he'd explained. He just wanted to be happier with the body he had. Anything to help him feel less conflicted, less agitated. Something to calm him down.
Fame comes at the cost of privacy. Kame had made a few discreet enquiries with friends to find a sympathetic doctor. He hadn't been allowed to sit in on all the sessions, and he still doesn't know what happened in the rest, but the result is that Jin now has a prescription to block the effects of testosterone in his body. He's supposed to start taking the pills today. They're not getting very far with that.
"You don't have to start these now," Kame says. "If you're not sure, you can always leave it for today and think about it some more." He picks up the leaflet, which he's already read three times and could probably recite by now if not for some of the more complicated medical terminology. "And even if you do take them for a while and decide you want to stop, the changes are reversible. Er...most of them, anyway."
"They could make me infertile," Jin says dully. "I thought I didn't have much of a shot at having kids before. If I take these, the odds only get worse."
"Have some frozen?"
Privately, Kame thinks Jin's best shot for having kids is to ask one of his female friends to act as a surrogate, because at the rate he's going, having the wife and three kids he wants is looking less and less likely. What he'd then do about childcare, Kame doesn't want to contemplate. Jin's lifestyle doesn't lend itself to being a stay-at-home parent.
"I...I should look into that." Jin takes the leaflet and skims the details. "At least I'm less likely to go bald."
"Your fans will be happy." Kame leans over to point out a line. "Are you sure you're not already taking these? It says you'll have slower growth of facial and body hair."
Jin doesn't even attempt to retort, a sure sign he's so wound up that Kame could spend the morning making fun of his party songs and he wouldn't even care. "That might help, sometimes." He runs a hand over his chin, currently smooth. Whether he shaves or not depends just as much on his mood as his workload. "Hey, you think I'll end up with breasts?"
"I asked at the hospital," Kame says. "You might get a bit of growth, but since you're not taking oestrogen, I don't think you need to worry about your mother taking you bra-shopping. Just tell everyone you got yours the same way Yamapi got his."
"Don't even mention my parents. How am I supposed to tell them I'm taking this stuff?"
"You're not taking it," Kame points out. "You've been sitting here staring at the pills for twenty minutes now. And you don't have to tell anyone if you don't want to - no one's going to be able to tell just by looking at you." They've been over this ground before, he remembers. He wonders if it would be easier for Jin if he could point to something external, to be able to say he's taking medication for bad acne, or arthritis, or to fight off an infection. This isn't a condition anyone can see.
"But what if it makes me change my mind? What if I start feeling so good about feeling like a girl that I decide I want to become one?" Jin tucks his knees under his chin so he can hug his ankles. "I don't want that. I...don't think I want that?"
"Jin, those pills aren't going to make you girly no matter how long you take them for. They'll just make you less...manly." Kame can't repress a snort at this, because he can't even remember the last time he thought of Jin as 'manly'. Back when they were Juniors, perhaps, and he thought Jin hung the moon. "And it takes a long time to transition. They make you live as a girl for a couple of years first. If you decide you want that, great, but it's a big decision."
Not so great, really, because Kame likes Jin's body a lot better as a guy, but it's a moot point because Jin's never going to like him back, not in the same way. And even if by some miracle Kame actually manages to tell him, and he feels the same, these innocent little pills might well cause them a few problems in the bedroom.
But he's not going to mention that to Jin, who's found the whole situation too complicated to even think about dating for ages but would likely still not appreciate hearing that he could have issues getting it up, or even being interested in the first place.
None of which is any of Kame's business, in the grand scheme of things. He's here to support, to offer encouragement, to be the friend and confidant Jin needs. He doesn't get to have a say. He's not the one tearing himself apart.
"Would it help to talk to someone who's actually taken these before?" he offers. "I can ask-"
"No! I..." Jin takes a shuddering breath, hampered by the cramped position; Kame places a steadying hand on his back, begins rubbing gentle circles between his shoulders. "I don't want anyone to know. It's like...admitting I can't do it. I'm not a coward, all right?"
"I know. I know you're not a coward."
Kame contemplates getting up to make tea, or find chocolate, or do anything that doesn't involve plying Jin with alcohol at ten in the morning to make him feel better. He's great at providing people with material comforts, whether it's a homecooked meal or a new pair of jeans, but when it comes to words...he feels so helpless. All he can do is listen. His head tells him that's enough; his heart wants him to magically take away all Jin's fears and unhappiness and won't stop riding him until he does.
"I just want it to stop!"
Forget getting up. Jin's voice breaks, taking Kame's heart with it. The circles expand till his arm reaches right around, pulling Jin in close. It's not much. A hug is the best he can do right now. He can follow Jin's feelings backwards from a point, but though they end in the same place, they begin very differently.
"I want to feel better." Jin's quieter now, or perhaps Kame's too close to hear him screaming inside. "I want to be able to wake up in the morning and feel okay about being me, not worry about whether I'm going to say or do the wrong thing because I'm not the person everyone expects me to be. I want to be able to breathe when someone looks at me twice and I drive myself crazy wondering what they think they missed the first time.
"I want to be able to feel like myself, always."
Kame's fingers curl into the side of Jin's black T-shirt: a fist for strength, and the warmth of his skin for comfort. "There's no guarantee you'll get that, whether you take the pills or not. Maybe they'll help, and maybe they won't. But you've got this option now. You chose to have it available. Whether you're right or wrong, you're taking steps to help yourself. There's nothing weak or cowardly about that, okay?"
Jin nods, tightening his own hands into fists. Kame feels him tense up where their bodies meet, shoulder to shoulder.
Without warning Jin lunges forward, pops both pills on his tongue and swallows them down with a gulp of water. Kame's left with empty arms but a heart swollen with pride.
"If something happens, it happens, right?" Jin says. "If I don't take them, nothing happens, I know that much."
"Right."
"And if I decide to stop, I can do that, right?"
"Right," Kame says. "But you should probably talk to your doctor if you're going to do that."
Even if Jin carries on, he's going to have a lot more medical check-ups in the future. He's just taken his first step on a path that has the potential to change his life forever. Kame doesn't know what awaits Jin at the end of it - but he does plan to be walking beside him so they'll find out together.