ask me how i am and i'll say 'shitty'
i think the worst thing in this world is the feeling of being alone. no..wait..actually..the worst feeling is knowing that someone could have been there and for some reason they aren't there the way u want them to be. i think this is why i shut myself from people. and ohh..stupid me. i decided to let someone in that shouldn't have been inside. and maybe i expect too much from them. maybe that's why i'm even more hurt than i should have been. but it had nothing to do with them in the first place. it was just stuff with me and then i guess i expected them to be there. but then they never were. never once. and you know the kinda that just sucks..the kind of crying that you can stop, but just will keep on coming after you stop it? i missed being by myself. the word i was looking for was ignored.
i think i'm better off forever being by myself. cuz it saves so much expectations. and so much wasted tears.
i think i'm glad kevin has become an active member since i don't even see him around anymore. omg~! haha. i think i'm going to put him for 'most attractive' for senior superlatives. no cute guys here. actually, there's no cute white guys. well, pavloff used to be cute, but that was back in the time of nick. so he's not as cute anymore. i think cute guys..cute white guys...decrease as the years go past. [i can't remember any my freshmen year. sophomore year->year of the guy hunting. so many cute guys. haha. too many. yes, including ray rau, but mostly cuz of his personality. and nick that ended up ruining my whole damn night. i think i've liked a different person every month. junior year->chad, jason, josh, kevin, and i discovered ray adams. senior year->ray] stupid ray. why does he have to be a junior!? but i have this crazy obsession with noses and lips and kevin has nice ones. but it's not like omfg hot. just like boy cute. and i can't wait until snowboarding season. :] it's gonna be one hell of a season cuz it's senior year and he promised it would be the best. since that smelly bastard didn't come last time. and his brother is so nice. but i felt like i was gonna die in his car going down the mountains over there. he had it on neutral, i think, i and he freaken drives a suv. i just think there are so many levels of cuteness for guys. and omg. i think there was a pattern with the names of guys i used to like. har har. there's like chad cute->the kinda wen they're so hot wen they smile. and jason cute->looks only and nice until he gets impatient and evil. and ray rau cute->not so hot, but with personality, DAMN. ray adams cute->i know nothing about him, but he's like just beyond good to look at. josh cute->only kinda cute cuz i liked someone that looked like him. kevin cute->little adorable as hell cute. ross cute->just yum.
i think i'm feeling better now. healing is so much better on its own. and wen i'm alone and not feeling as shitty. and it took me 1 hour. but i'm not all fixed yet.
i want a snickers.
i'm going to tell him no next time. i think i like saying no so much better than saying yes.
and i'm still obsessing over the fact that caucasian and chinese mixed guys come out nice. har har. [the guys at walnut. o..m..g :]except robert wagner xP he was hot as hell and now he just looks damn scary. and that evil smile he gave shumaker. i don't think anyone would ever forget that.
and it's great talking to old friends again. haven't seen eugene for the longest time and his picture of his long hair at walnut's prom..O..M..G...and then some friday ago, i saw him and got to talk to him again. but then, he's as sick and perverted as ever. but hey, he's a good guy.
and i just don't get why ruth is so damn pretty and photogenic in all her pictures. i wonder if she's really all taht pretty in person. since i have met people who look nothing like what they do in pictures.
this entry must have sucked ass. i should have made this for friends..since who the hell knows who's reading it. but eh. i think it's really amazing how ed's comments are just like...really opened my eyes to the people that read it. but hey, he's cool. so wahtevers. i've had more than enough shares of talking of cute guys. har har. i think it's the only way i get better from being so shitty and down. cuz i can get my mind off things. it's still fun to see ray sometimes. haven't seen him for like a year or so until some tuesday ago. i haven't seen jimmy saxton for like ever, but he looks funny in his friendster.
thinking is bad. because thinking destroys happiness. i need a big fat hug and a big fat kiss. and i think i'm too needy. but i'm so blah. and i have nothing else. cuz i think wen u lose something, it makes u more vulnerable more than ever. as much as people don't want to admit it. i know it. because it opens up wounds. and mentioning it does too. cuz u can never heal. not ever because it will always be there. it's kinda like everytime u get hurt, u want to do to something that's gonna help fix it, but then, they're not there anymore. and never will be. and i sometimes end up doing things i kinda don't want to just to make them happy. kinda odd how some college people are going through things i went through back in middle school. maybe i grew up too fast. and them too slow. it's strange how glory called me innocent today. from as long as i remember, i have never been as innocent as people think i am.
alone as much as ever. because i refuse to let people get close to me. it should have been that way because no one ends up getting hurt. i don't end up getting hurt.
i think i'm better off forever being by myself. cuz it saves so much expectations. and so much wasted tears.
i think i'm glad kevin has become an active member since i don't even see him around anymore. omg~! haha. i think i'm going to put him for 'most attractive' for senior superlatives. no cute guys here. actually, there's no cute white guys. well, pavloff used to be cute, but that was back in the time of nick. so he's not as cute anymore. i think cute guys..cute white guys...decrease as the years go past. [i can't remember any my freshmen year. sophomore year->year of the guy hunting. so many cute guys. haha. too many. yes, including ray rau, but mostly cuz of his personality. and nick that ended up ruining my whole damn night. i think i've liked a different person every month. junior year->chad, jason, josh, kevin, and i discovered ray adams. senior year->ray] stupid ray. why does he have to be a junior!? but i have this crazy obsession with noses and lips and kevin has nice ones. but it's not like omfg hot. just like boy cute. and i can't wait until snowboarding season. :] it's gonna be one hell of a season cuz it's senior year and he promised it would be the best. since that smelly bastard didn't come last time. and his brother is so nice. but i felt like i was gonna die in his car going down the mountains over there. he had it on neutral, i think, i and he freaken drives a suv. i just think there are so many levels of cuteness for guys. and omg. i think there was a pattern with the names of guys i used to like. har har. there's like chad cute->the kinda wen they're so hot wen they smile. and jason cute->looks only and nice until he gets impatient and evil. and ray rau cute->not so hot, but with personality, DAMN. ray adams cute->i know nothing about him, but he's like just beyond good to look at. josh cute->only kinda cute cuz i liked someone that looked like him. kevin cute->little adorable as hell cute. ross cute->just yum.
i think i'm feeling better now. healing is so much better on its own. and wen i'm alone and not feeling as shitty. and it took me 1 hour. but i'm not all fixed yet.
i want a snickers.
i'm going to tell him no next time. i think i like saying no so much better than saying yes.
and i'm still obsessing over the fact that caucasian and chinese mixed guys come out nice. har har. [the guys at walnut. o..m..g :]except robert wagner xP he was hot as hell and now he just looks damn scary. and that evil smile he gave shumaker. i don't think anyone would ever forget that.
and it's great talking to old friends again. haven't seen eugene for the longest time and his picture of his long hair at walnut's prom..O..M..G...and then some friday ago, i saw him and got to talk to him again. but then, he's as sick and perverted as ever. but hey, he's a good guy.
and i just don't get why ruth is so damn pretty and photogenic in all her pictures. i wonder if she's really all taht pretty in person. since i have met people who look nothing like what they do in pictures.
this entry must have sucked ass. i should have made this for friends..since who the hell knows who's reading it. but eh. i think it's really amazing how ed's comments are just like...really opened my eyes to the people that read it. but hey, he's cool. so wahtevers. i've had more than enough shares of talking of cute guys. har har. i think it's the only way i get better from being so shitty and down. cuz i can get my mind off things. it's still fun to see ray sometimes. haven't seen him for like a year or so until some tuesday ago. i haven't seen jimmy saxton for like ever, but he looks funny in his friendster.
thinking is bad. because thinking destroys happiness. i need a big fat hug and a big fat kiss. and i think i'm too needy. but i'm so blah. and i have nothing else. cuz i think wen u lose something, it makes u more vulnerable more than ever. as much as people don't want to admit it. i know it. because it opens up wounds. and mentioning it does too. cuz u can never heal. not ever because it will always be there. it's kinda like everytime u get hurt, u want to do to something that's gonna help fix it, but then, they're not there anymore. and never will be. and i sometimes end up doing things i kinda don't want to just to make them happy. kinda odd how some college people are going through things i went through back in middle school. maybe i grew up too fast. and them too slow. it's strange how glory called me innocent today. from as long as i remember, i have never been as innocent as people think i am.
alone as much as ever. because i refuse to let people get close to me. it should have been that way because no one ends up getting hurt. i don't end up getting hurt.