happy thursday
Here is a run-down of my day without the dramatics or metaphors:
1. I presented my research in my Methods class.. it was about the effects of sexual orientation and ethnicity of an HIV+ man on the amount of blame placed upon him for contracting HIV. It went well, but this one guy decided that he didn't understand what the big deal about "double-evaluation" was. Basically it's occurs when a person is stigmatized based on HIV-status and also stigmatized based on sexual orientation. For some reason he and I had some sort of miscommunication and he thought... fuck.. i don't know what he thought. It just seemed like, to him, the idea of an HIV+ gay guy was one stigmatization in itself, as if they just fit together naturally. Then the girl next to me had my back and explained that a hetero guy would be totally viewed differently than a homo guy. Btw, she was awesome today-- she played the "If you were gay" (AveQ) ringtone she had on her phone (RANDOM) and told me that it should have been my theme song that went with my project. I told her that it would have been a little too Disneyland for my taste, and then we continued to talk about what's going on in her life. Granted, i haven't really had a full conversation with this girl the whole semester.
2. Yay! today was my second try at going to get my HIV/STD test results. I wasn't able to go yesterday due to circumstantial difficulties, but i made time today. I get to the Dept of Health and Human Services and go to the prevention office to find a sign stating that the office will be closed from 11:30-2:00 due to a last minute meeting. It was 11:25. Way to go.
3. So, it was off to Nordstrom for me to use my gift card. After about 30 minutes I settled on a new pair of board shorts. I had to settle for size 31-- Actually, it was more of a compromise for me. I looked at myself in the mirror (which i haven't really, REALLY done in a long time.. ) and wanted to throw up. Not joking. If at anytime today I felt worthless, it was then. I have definitely put on some weight this semester with thanks to my new late night food eating rituals and no exercise plan. I made a deal with myself. I promised myself that I would go today or tomorrow to sign up at a gym to work my way to looking good in those board shorts. I figure that it wouldn't take me long to lose what I gained because it's not like i'm that big anyhow.. but really, I started sweating due to the anxiety that overcome my rationality. So, I confidently went to the cash register to pay.
4. Come to find out...the gift card had nothing on it. Somewhere along the way, no money was ever put on the card. I wanted to cry. Nothing was working out for me today.
Did i cry? Well, no.. Tears started to come, but I sucked it up. I told myself that crying wouldn't help the situation and I had to drive home---and i wasn't about to get in an accident with a car that isn't mine.
I felt compelled to call a friend-- to vent. I then realized that there was no one I wanted to tell. I have plenty of friends, but I felt like bottling it up would be better.
Growing up I HATED my dad's temper. I hated the way he would yell when he was angry.. or maybe throw something that wasn't working. He never ever hit anyone or really hurtfully directed his anger at anyone, but I still thanked my lucky stars that I was nothing like him. Recently, I think i've decided that at least he has an outlet. At least he is able to expell his frustration and stress. When my mom was here she told me that she was glad that I didn't have my "father's temperment" and that mine was more like hers. I replied by telling her that I didn't see how bottling things up was a good thing.
She didn't really have a reply to that.
1. I presented my research in my Methods class.. it was about the effects of sexual orientation and ethnicity of an HIV+ man on the amount of blame placed upon him for contracting HIV. It went well, but this one guy decided that he didn't understand what the big deal about "double-evaluation" was. Basically it's occurs when a person is stigmatized based on HIV-status and also stigmatized based on sexual orientation. For some reason he and I had some sort of miscommunication and he thought... fuck.. i don't know what he thought. It just seemed like, to him, the idea of an HIV+ gay guy was one stigmatization in itself, as if they just fit together naturally. Then the girl next to me had my back and explained that a hetero guy would be totally viewed differently than a homo guy. Btw, she was awesome today-- she played the "If you were gay" (AveQ) ringtone she had on her phone (RANDOM) and told me that it should have been my theme song that went with my project. I told her that it would have been a little too Disneyland for my taste, and then we continued to talk about what's going on in her life. Granted, i haven't really had a full conversation with this girl the whole semester.
2. Yay! today was my second try at going to get my HIV/STD test results. I wasn't able to go yesterday due to circumstantial difficulties, but i made time today. I get to the Dept of Health and Human Services and go to the prevention office to find a sign stating that the office will be closed from 11:30-2:00 due to a last minute meeting. It was 11:25. Way to go.
3. So, it was off to Nordstrom for me to use my gift card. After about 30 minutes I settled on a new pair of board shorts. I had to settle for size 31-- Actually, it was more of a compromise for me. I looked at myself in the mirror (which i haven't really, REALLY done in a long time.. ) and wanted to throw up. Not joking. If at anytime today I felt worthless, it was then. I have definitely put on some weight this semester with thanks to my new late night food eating rituals and no exercise plan. I made a deal with myself. I promised myself that I would go today or tomorrow to sign up at a gym to work my way to looking good in those board shorts. I figure that it wouldn't take me long to lose what I gained because it's not like i'm that big anyhow.. but really, I started sweating due to the anxiety that overcome my rationality. So, I confidently went to the cash register to pay.
4. Come to find out...the gift card had nothing on it. Somewhere along the way, no money was ever put on the card. I wanted to cry. Nothing was working out for me today.
Did i cry? Well, no.. Tears started to come, but I sucked it up. I told myself that crying wouldn't help the situation and I had to drive home---and i wasn't about to get in an accident with a car that isn't mine.
I felt compelled to call a friend-- to vent. I then realized that there was no one I wanted to tell. I have plenty of friends, but I felt like bottling it up would be better.
Growing up I HATED my dad's temper. I hated the way he would yell when he was angry.. or maybe throw something that wasn't working. He never ever hit anyone or really hurtfully directed his anger at anyone, but I still thanked my lucky stars that I was nothing like him. Recently, I think i've decided that at least he has an outlet. At least he is able to expell his frustration and stress. When my mom was here she told me that she was glad that I didn't have my "father's temperment" and that mine was more like hers. I replied by telling her that I didn't see how bottling things up was a good thing.
She didn't really have a reply to that.