(no subject)
So...it's Tuesday at...1:40, and I have nothing to do. Gwen has nothing to do at work? What?! Get out! So I put together all 23 binders now, including the section I had to leave out and the do-overs of the color paper I couldn't hole punch properly. All I have left are the Appendices... which are nowhere to be seen, if they're completed. 2 are officially done and sent out, and 1 is waiting for the actual inserts for the appendices but has the color dividers. My supervisor isn't around at the moment, so I left the 1 (which has to be FedEx'd to Chi-town this afternoon) on her desk. Soooo.... (I know these little details are all very interesting, calm down).
I have a doctor's appt at 3:30, so I have to leave here at 3 and probably won't get back till 4-4:30. I told my supervisor that I'd take my lunch late, but would be back a little after an hour, and she told me that if it ran late and I wouldn't be back till then to not bother coming back; it seems kinda pointless since I leave around 5:15. Well, OKAY! You don't have to tell me twice. I'll lose about an hour on my timesheet, so whatev. I'm just not looking forward to the appt. She's just gonna tell me that I need to test my blood sugar more and be more consistent with giving insulin. All this I know, but it's like I have a mental block about doing it. Unless I have some sort of reminder, or someone telling me to, I forget (and not on purpose either). The problem with someone telling me is that I usually resent being told. I'll say "I know!" when in fact I did forget, but it's the fact, perhaps, of another person instructing me on my diabetes when I'm the only one who really understands it. It's especially rough b/c when I was younger my mom would more command/yell at me when i forgot as her version of a reminder after the fact. The only person I ever let tell me to take care of myself was Matt because he completely understood. Hypocrit that I am, I reminded him and chastised him when his A1C (long term blood sugar) was high. I need to let go of this thing I have. I got so pissed at my mom when she told Mike, while I was standing there, to make sure I took care of myself. She asked if he ever saw me test my sugar or give insulin. that just pissed me the fuck off. I got annoyed at him when, later in the day, he asked if I tested. Why is it such a big deal to me? I mean, I'm sitting here with the blood sugar meter right next to me, but the thought of reaching down, getting it out, unzipping the case, pricking my finger, seeing the read out, giving insulin to compensate, and putting it back seems like suuuuuuch a big to-do. But it's important. I need to deal with it. I don't want to end up like my grandfather who never took care of himself for decades and lost his right leg. Or my great-aunt with type 2 who has almost no feeling in her feet. My grandmother, who got diagnosed with type 2 a few years ago, takes better care of herself than I do. She's upset when her blood sugar is 200, whereas I see that as a fair number (Normal numbers should range from 80-120/150). I use the excuse of "I don't have enought time," but we all know that's bullshit. Look at me, I'm updating lj everyday at work; during school I have 15hrs of class and 18hrs of work per week. I have plenty of fucking time; it's just an excuse. I need to deal with it. I wanna keep my eyesight and my limbs. I wanna be able to feel my toes and my fingertips in 20 years. I wanna be able to have kids later on. When they find a cure for diabetes I wanna be healthy enough for my body to accept the treatment. I don't want to die of kidney failure.
I have a doctor's appt at 3:30, so I have to leave here at 3 and probably won't get back till 4-4:30. I told my supervisor that I'd take my lunch late, but would be back a little after an hour, and she told me that if it ran late and I wouldn't be back till then to not bother coming back; it seems kinda pointless since I leave around 5:15. Well, OKAY! You don't have to tell me twice. I'll lose about an hour on my timesheet, so whatev. I'm just not looking forward to the appt. She's just gonna tell me that I need to test my blood sugar more and be more consistent with giving insulin. All this I know, but it's like I have a mental block about doing it. Unless I have some sort of reminder, or someone telling me to, I forget (and not on purpose either). The problem with someone telling me is that I usually resent being told. I'll say "I know!" when in fact I did forget, but it's the fact, perhaps, of another person instructing me on my diabetes when I'm the only one who really understands it. It's especially rough b/c when I was younger my mom would more command/yell at me when i forgot as her version of a reminder after the fact. The only person I ever let tell me to take care of myself was Matt because he completely understood. Hypocrit that I am, I reminded him and chastised him when his A1C (long term blood sugar) was high. I need to let go of this thing I have. I got so pissed at my mom when she told Mike, while I was standing there, to make sure I took care of myself. She asked if he ever saw me test my sugar or give insulin. that just pissed me the fuck off. I got annoyed at him when, later in the day, he asked if I tested. Why is it such a big deal to me? I mean, I'm sitting here with the blood sugar meter right next to me, but the thought of reaching down, getting it out, unzipping the case, pricking my finger, seeing the read out, giving insulin to compensate, and putting it back seems like suuuuuuch a big to-do. But it's important. I need to deal with it. I don't want to end up like my grandfather who never took care of himself for decades and lost his right leg. Or my great-aunt with type 2 who has almost no feeling in her feet. My grandmother, who got diagnosed with type 2 a few years ago, takes better care of herself than I do. She's upset when her blood sugar is 200, whereas I see that as a fair number (Normal numbers should range from 80-120/150). I use the excuse of "I don't have enought time," but we all know that's bullshit. Look at me, I'm updating lj everyday at work; during school I have 15hrs of class and 18hrs of work per week. I have plenty of fucking time; it's just an excuse. I need to deal with it. I wanna keep my eyesight and my limbs. I wanna be able to feel my toes and my fingertips in 20 years. I wanna be able to have kids later on. When they find a cure for diabetes I wanna be healthy enough for my body to accept the treatment. I don't want to die of kidney failure.