Breathe [Without you, but I have to]
[Love is what you've been through with somebody- James Thurber]
He sits on the edge of the tub in a bathroom too warm and too humid. The shower is running, misting his bare back with lukewarm water. He has his elbows on his knees and his face buried in his hands. It’s his default position right now. He’s trying to remember how to breathe but a loop of thought stutter stops through his head and interrupts everything; like a jolt of electricity rushing through his body.
He started the apocalypse. He broke the last seal and the whole world is ending.
Because of him
His breath catches, chest going tight and everything burning. Can’t breathe. Can’t breathe. Oh God, can’t breathe.
The mist at his back grows colder and he sits up straighter, the shock of the coolness rebooting, interrupting the loop and he takes a deep breath. There’s a knock on the door. He knows who it is-and who it isn’t. That causes his chest to seize up again.
“Sam, are you okay?”
It takes a long time for him to answer because words require breath and he can’t breathe.
“Yes.” It’s strangled and raspy, barely his voice at all. He starts to move, to reassure her and he runs into a wall; at least mentally.
He started the apocalypse. The end of the world courtesy of one Samuel Winchester.
But he was only trying to save everyone
She goes away, mollified by the weak assurance and he’s thrown back into the loop. Can’t breathe. Can’t breathe.
Can’t breathe.
The water is still running cold now, his skin is prickled with goose flesh but he doesn’t move; stuck in that loop. It’s a struggle to keep his heart pounding but he knows he’s doing it because he can hear the rush of blood in his head, the vibration of each beat in his chest. He can’t breathe but he’s incredibly aware that he’s not dead.
Yet.
There’s another knock, later he knows but he couldn’t guess how much later.
“Sam, open the door.”
He doesn’t respond and the door creaks open, slowly at first then smoothly. She presses his cell phone into his hand and force of habit makes him croak a ‘Hello”
“Sammy…come home.”
He can breathe again.
He sits on the edge of the tub in a bathroom too warm and too humid. The shower is running, misting his bare back with lukewarm water. He has his elbows on his knees and his face buried in his hands. It’s his default position right now. He’s trying to remember how to breathe but a loop of thought stutter stops through his head and interrupts everything; like a jolt of electricity rushing through his body.
He started the apocalypse. He broke the last seal and the whole world is ending.
Because of him
His breath catches, chest going tight and everything burning. Can’t breathe. Can’t breathe. Oh God, can’t breathe.
The mist at his back grows colder and he sits up straighter, the shock of the coolness rebooting, interrupting the loop and he takes a deep breath. There’s a knock on the door. He knows who it is-and who it isn’t. That causes his chest to seize up again.
“Sam, are you okay?”
It takes a long time for him to answer because words require breath and he can’t breathe.
“Yes.” It’s strangled and raspy, barely his voice at all. He starts to move, to reassure her and he runs into a wall; at least mentally.
He started the apocalypse. The end of the world courtesy of one Samuel Winchester.
But he was only trying to save everyone
She goes away, mollified by the weak assurance and he’s thrown back into the loop. Can’t breathe. Can’t breathe.
Can’t breathe.
The water is still running cold now, his skin is prickled with goose flesh but he doesn’t move; stuck in that loop. It’s a struggle to keep his heart pounding but he knows he’s doing it because he can hear the rush of blood in his head, the vibration of each beat in his chest. He can’t breathe but he’s incredibly aware that he’s not dead.
Yet.
There’s another knock, later he knows but he couldn’t guess how much later.
“Sam, open the door.”
He doesn’t respond and the door creaks open, slowly at first then smoothly. She presses his cell phone into his hand and force of habit makes him croak a ‘Hello”
“Sammy…come home.”
He can breathe again.