I'll be your number one with a bullet [A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it]
["In every doomed relationship, there comes what I like to call "The uh-oh moment". When a certain little something happens, and you know you've just witnessed the beginning of the end. And suddenly you stop and you think, "Uh-oh, iceberg ahead"."
- Alfie]
He’s lost her and he knows it this time. Sorry isn’t enough and even if it were, he’s not. He saved Dean, he saved Castiel and he killed Alistair. He can’t be sorry for that. He didn’t do it the way she wanted him to and now the damn angel he saved is looking at him like he’s the monster under the bed.
He supposes in a way he is.
He’d like to say he wouldn’t change what happened. That’s not entirely true though. He’d go back further than that night, he’d go back to when he made promises he knew he wasn’t going to be able to keep. Yes, it was about saving Dean. He wouldn’t have done it otherwise. He’d been dealing with the addiction alright and then they took Dean and he figured out what they were going to make him do. It was always about saving Dean, but then Dean would have always needed saving so it was a promise cracked and battered from the get go.
He opens his eyes and looks through the glass at his brother lying in the hospital bed. He was too late and he’s afraid the man he pulled out of that room isn’t his brother at all. Even if it’s not, even if-he’s still Dean. He’s still his brother and Sam would do the same thing over again. There’s a chuckle stuck in his throat that wants so damn bad to become a sob. They’re stuck in a loop. Winchesters and souls, sacrifices and fucking everything the hell up. He thought he could break that with her, perfect, indestructible girl. Funny to look back and see now that such a short time ago, Sam Winchester was a dreamer.
He hates that it hurts her and he knows it does. He can see it in her eyes when she doesn’t look at him. He could feel it in her touch when she squeezed his hand and he wants to apologize but he doesn’t feel it and there’s no reason to lie to her; not when it will happen again. Not today, not tomorrow and not on any kind of set schedule and maybe next time, it won’t be Ruby and blood. It’ll always be Dean though. Even before he owed him, before Dean sold his soul and everything changed, Sam knows he would do this for his brother. Over and over again. They’re like a fucking broken, dysfunctional record player that started with Mary Campbell and just shit stormed all the way down.
He swore he wasn’t going to be like that. He wasn’t going to be like her or him or him. Only he knows he is and he has. He’s selling his soul piece by piece and he thinks he’s getting a better bargain than John or Dean ever did.
So he can’t be sorry. Anymore than Mary could have been sorry or John or Dean. He won’t apologize, even if it would save his relationship. Instead he’s going to watch from a life raft that’s sinking fast while their relationship goes under.
In the end, they’re all going down anyway.
- Alfie]
He’s lost her and he knows it this time. Sorry isn’t enough and even if it were, he’s not. He saved Dean, he saved Castiel and he killed Alistair. He can’t be sorry for that. He didn’t do it the way she wanted him to and now the damn angel he saved is looking at him like he’s the monster under the bed.
He supposes in a way he is.
He’d like to say he wouldn’t change what happened. That’s not entirely true though. He’d go back further than that night, he’d go back to when he made promises he knew he wasn’t going to be able to keep. Yes, it was about saving Dean. He wouldn’t have done it otherwise. He’d been dealing with the addiction alright and then they took Dean and he figured out what they were going to make him do. It was always about saving Dean, but then Dean would have always needed saving so it was a promise cracked and battered from the get go.
He opens his eyes and looks through the glass at his brother lying in the hospital bed. He was too late and he’s afraid the man he pulled out of that room isn’t his brother at all. Even if it’s not, even if-he’s still Dean. He’s still his brother and Sam would do the same thing over again. There’s a chuckle stuck in his throat that wants so damn bad to become a sob. They’re stuck in a loop. Winchesters and souls, sacrifices and fucking everything the hell up. He thought he could break that with her, perfect, indestructible girl. Funny to look back and see now that such a short time ago, Sam Winchester was a dreamer.
He hates that it hurts her and he knows it does. He can see it in her eyes when she doesn’t look at him. He could feel it in her touch when she squeezed his hand and he wants to apologize but he doesn’t feel it and there’s no reason to lie to her; not when it will happen again. Not today, not tomorrow and not on any kind of set schedule and maybe next time, it won’t be Ruby and blood. It’ll always be Dean though. Even before he owed him, before Dean sold his soul and everything changed, Sam knows he would do this for his brother. Over and over again. They’re like a fucking broken, dysfunctional record player that started with Mary Campbell and just shit stormed all the way down.
He swore he wasn’t going to be like that. He wasn’t going to be like her or him or him. Only he knows he is and he has. He’s selling his soul piece by piece and he thinks he’s getting a better bargain than John or Dean ever did.
So he can’t be sorry. Anymore than Mary could have been sorry or John or Dean. He won’t apologize, even if it would save his relationship. Instead he’s going to watch from a life raft that’s sinking fast while their relationship goes under.
In the end, they’re all going down anyway.