STAMPED // Text Post - Poetry
I'm putting this under a cut, because well they take up a lot of space.
Hello
I am fat.
I'm not telling you so that you know.
You will know simply by looking at me.
I am telling you so you know that I know.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I know that I am fat and society hates me.
I know that I am fat and ..that makes me ugly.
I know that I am fat and that makes me lazy
and un-hygenic
and greedy
and unable to control myself
and unhealthy
and stupid.
I know that I.AM.FAT
I am telling you this in the hope that you will take your
shame and embarassment and go.
That shame and embarassment that you try and sugar coat
in "concern for my health"
and "concern for my furture"
and "concern for my children"
Let's be honest; you aren't concerned at all.
You're ashamed.
I'm the failure.
I'm the one that can't go further in life
until I lose some weight.
I'm the one you can't brag about.
Is it any wonder you prefer others
when I don't bring you pride.
I know I am fat.
I know society hates me
I know a part of you hates me too.
I know a part of you wishes I was just like other girls
I know you wish I was not fat.
I wish I was not fat.
I don't know how to be anything else.
How would I hide with nothing to cover me up?
How would I hide with nothing to shrink behind?
I am nothing.
But I am fat
And therefore I am, at least, something.
Maybe
Maybe if I opened myself up for you
showed you the poison in my veins
The doubt.
The fear and self loathing.
Maybe if you saw me on the inside
Maybe if you saw how I bleed.
Maybe.
Maybe if you saw how much I hurt
Because of you
For you
Maybe you would understand
Maybe you would be more sympathetic.
Maybe.
I am fragile
and wounded.
I do need to be handled with care
and reassured.
I am afraid
and I am jealous of everyone else.
I do worry that I am not enough
and that you are just waiting...
for that other woman.
I wont appologise for my doubt
like I have done something wrong
my you... just because
I am afraid.
These feelings were bestowed on me so long ago
tht they have eaten away my original self
and replaced it completely;
with one of rage and psychosis.
Maybe.
Maybe if miniscule things weren't so
threatening of my sanity all the time;
I could handle you better
Maybe if I wasn't so afraid of everyone;
I could love you better.
Maybe.
Repeat
I tell myself it's fine.
It's fine
It's fine
It's fine
It's fine again and again.
In the hope that constant
Repetition
will some how convience me.
You love me
You love me
You love me
I with that it worked
better than it does.
Instead of reassuring myself
It only seems to cause more doubt.
More fear
More pity
More hatred.
Of myself and everyone who loves you
Everyone who's been with you
Everyone who is something I am not.
Prettier
Slimmer
Porcelain Skin
A mysterious aura
A perversion that I am too innocent to want.
All of them, the others
Everyone else... so unlike me.
Better
Better
Better than me.
That is a repetition
that always manages
to convince me of it's truth.
It's fine
It's fine
I'm fine
We're fine
You love me.
Repeat.
Hello
I am fat.
I'm not telling you so that you know.
You will know simply by looking at me.
I am telling you so you know that I know.
I know.
I know.
I know.
I know that I am fat and society hates me.
I know that I am fat and ..that makes me ugly.
I know that I am fat and that makes me lazy
and un-hygenic
and greedy
and unable to control myself
and unhealthy
and stupid.
I know that I.AM.FAT
I am telling you this in the hope that you will take your
shame and embarassment and go.
That shame and embarassment that you try and sugar coat
in "concern for my health"
and "concern for my furture"
and "concern for my children"
Let's be honest; you aren't concerned at all.
You're ashamed.
I'm the failure.
I'm the one that can't go further in life
until I lose some weight.
I'm the one you can't brag about.
Is it any wonder you prefer others
when I don't bring you pride.
I know I am fat.
I know society hates me
I know a part of you hates me too.
I know a part of you wishes I was just like other girls
I know you wish I was not fat.
I wish I was not fat.
I don't know how to be anything else.
How would I hide with nothing to cover me up?
How would I hide with nothing to shrink behind?
I am nothing.
But I am fat
And therefore I am, at least, something.
Maybe
Maybe if I opened myself up for you
showed you the poison in my veins
The doubt.
The fear and self loathing.
Maybe if you saw me on the inside
Maybe if you saw how I bleed.
Maybe.
Maybe if you saw how much I hurt
Because of you
For you
Maybe you would understand
Maybe you would be more sympathetic.
Maybe.
I am fragile
and wounded.
I do need to be handled with care
and reassured.
I am afraid
and I am jealous of everyone else.
I do worry that I am not enough
and that you are just waiting...
for that other woman.
I wont appologise for my doubt
like I have done something wrong
my you... just because
I am afraid.
These feelings were bestowed on me so long ago
tht they have eaten away my original self
and replaced it completely;
with one of rage and psychosis.
Maybe.
Maybe if miniscule things weren't so
threatening of my sanity all the time;
I could handle you better
Maybe if I wasn't so afraid of everyone;
I could love you better.
Maybe.
Repeat
I tell myself it's fine.
It's fine
It's fine
It's fine
It's fine again and again.
In the hope that constant
Repetition
will some how convience me.
You love me
You love me
You love me
I with that it worked
better than it does.
Instead of reassuring myself
It only seems to cause more doubt.
More fear
More pity
More hatred.
Of myself and everyone who loves you
Everyone who's been with you
Everyone who is something I am not.
Prettier
Slimmer
Porcelain Skin
A mysterious aura
A perversion that I am too innocent to want.
All of them, the others
Everyone else... so unlike me.
Better
Better
Better than me.
That is a repetition
that always manages
to convince me of it's truth.
It's fine
It's fine
I'm fine
We're fine
You love me.
Repeat.