Giving the devil his due.
This time of year is weird for me. Christmas and major life changes have intersected too many times in my life. And in my kids' lives. It was right around this time 4 years ago that I decided to leave my husband. It was right about this time 10 years ago that Tentmoot blew up. Those are just the major ones. Christmas and abuse should not go hand in hand. I want so desperately to reclaim the holidays. For the kids. Might be too late for me, but I am determined to make this a wonderful, magical time of year for them. I just don't know how. Oh, I have some ideas, sure. But on the budget of a single mom? It's not easy. What's worse? As we head into December, I find myself approaching a dark place. I'm hoping that maybe getting it out there will help me clear it. Get the weight off my shoulders. Earlier tonight I found myself contemplating the last time I saw my husband. It was the court house. We were supposed to meet with the judge to discuss the protection order and custody. I was accompanied by a social worker and a police officer. J was nowhere to be seen in the lobby as maybe 50 people awaited to be called in for their hearings. And then, in the corner, near the door to the courtroom I was to go in, there was a commotion. A man was having a heart attack. The ambulance was called; a couple of cops swarmed over. I looked. It was J. Of course. I looked back to the wall across the waiting area, disgusted, as I heard him loudly tell a cop that he was supposed to meet his wife in court that day and that he was so upset he was having a heart attack. A guy near me asked what was going on. I told him some guy was faking a hear attack. He looked at me funny. "I know this guy," I explained, blandly. "He's just trying to get me back. It's how he works. We're supposed to go in to family court to get custody arrangements and get a restraining order against him." Other people close by over heard. They looked at me like some heartless bitch. Maybe I am. I felt no sympathy for him. Distain? Disgust? Contempt? Yeah. I'd seen it before. 6 years previously. I'd fallen for it then. In a strange way, I'm thankful to Andy. My experiences with him put me in a much much better place if I was going to leave an abusive situation. That day, I recognized the manipulation. I don't think I would've without Andy's little suicide act that had me so worried and so worked up so long ago. The experience, and the lessons learned since, made me strong enough that day in court to allow the people around me to think I was some sort of monster in order to protect myself and my kids. The act was so....textbook, really. He was testing me, to see if I had any concern for him left. Trying to manipulate me into showing that I still cared. More importantly, trying to make me think that he really could not live without me and the kids. He was trying to get me back. It was in that moment that I knew I was never going back. I was free. I could not be ensared by his manipulation any more. So, Andy, in a weird way, thanks.