none of this will matter in a day or so. i know that.
the last 7-10 days i've been in my head way too much. this has a lot to do with the lack of human contact that came as a result of my bout with bird flu/black-death-on-the-tan-carpet as well as the fact that i think everyone is a little off lately due to stress, work, and (according to maria) a near-global case of sex deprivation.
i'm coming to terms with the fact that i can't help anyone with any of these issues.
bear with me. i'm trying to sort it all out.
in the baltimore airport (with an ice cream cone in one hand and a "keep abortion legal" sign in the other) i declared that i was no longer going to make language my problem. that i was going to stop worrying about trying to define things or label them or put them in categories.
it really was...a truly fantastic lie, but a necessary one (as most lies are). a lie i needed to tell myself in order to replace all the unanswerable questions in my head. a lie i needed to get out of my own head.
let's go back. in a considerably small amount of widely varied moves on several fronts, i fucked up a large portion of my life. appropriately, i subsequently lost many things that mattered to me. i went into a partially self-imposed exile to try to figure some shit out.
it was during this particular period that i made the soon-to-be-famous baltimore declaration...and it worked. it fulfilled it's purpose. i survived my on-campus exile. i won back substantial parts of my life that i assumed were gone for good. i reveled in what was left of my grotesque angst and shame and guilt, and then,
i got out.
and then almost immediately i made some new friends, got a new place, got a game plan. got it the fuck together.
in the last 7-10 days, i've had to give up the lie. i've had to let go of the baltimore declaration and so much more. so much more of the crap i've been holding on to in order to get me through this. you might disagree, but in the past six months, i've really tried to keep the bull at a minimum. honestly. and this is because of those new people and because of this new life, and because of the very real fact that i can see so clearly that a whole part of my life is coming to a very real end before you know it, and this will hardly matter enough.
and so i let it go, and went out without training-wheels...and look what it got me. (of course, i didn't see it this way until later).
and when it was done, stephanie said to me something to the tune of, "you're a good boyfriend, but sort of a bad person."
now.
everyone i've mentioned this to has done a pretty good job of telling me that it's not true. and that's nice. i guess it's not totally true. i guess that's why it doesn't bother me that much.
but i guess what i can see if the truth in it. the fact that i've gone all this time assuming that that was ok. because, essentially i've spent the last five years prioritizing the one over the other. if i could just get her to let me be good to her, it didn't really matter what i had to do to get there.
and now, of course, i see that part of the reason i've failed over and over again in that pursuit is precisely because of those poorly-managed priorities. that i can't be good to her until i am good.
what is the point? the point is, i'm keenly aware of what a pain in the ass i am. also, i'm keenly aware that i suffer from this adolescent anxiety that at any moment you've figured me out and written me off.
the point is...i'm working on the problem. i realize that half the crime is in talking about it all too much, but...i mean, fuck, you've got to expect that from me at least a little, right?
and didn't you once tell me that you thought that the thing i was working so hard to make was myself, and that you didn't think that was as bad as it sounds?
well, the point is that i'm trying to get back to the part of it that sounds good.
please be patient.
with love,
km
i'm coming to terms with the fact that i can't help anyone with any of these issues.
bear with me. i'm trying to sort it all out.
in the baltimore airport (with an ice cream cone in one hand and a "keep abortion legal" sign in the other) i declared that i was no longer going to make language my problem. that i was going to stop worrying about trying to define things or label them or put them in categories.
it really was...a truly fantastic lie, but a necessary one (as most lies are). a lie i needed to tell myself in order to replace all the unanswerable questions in my head. a lie i needed to get out of my own head.
let's go back. in a considerably small amount of widely varied moves on several fronts, i fucked up a large portion of my life. appropriately, i subsequently lost many things that mattered to me. i went into a partially self-imposed exile to try to figure some shit out.
it was during this particular period that i made the soon-to-be-famous baltimore declaration...and it worked. it fulfilled it's purpose. i survived my on-campus exile. i won back substantial parts of my life that i assumed were gone for good. i reveled in what was left of my grotesque angst and shame and guilt, and then,
i got out.
and then almost immediately i made some new friends, got a new place, got a game plan. got it the fuck together.
in the last 7-10 days, i've had to give up the lie. i've had to let go of the baltimore declaration and so much more. so much more of the crap i've been holding on to in order to get me through this. you might disagree, but in the past six months, i've really tried to keep the bull at a minimum. honestly. and this is because of those new people and because of this new life, and because of the very real fact that i can see so clearly that a whole part of my life is coming to a very real end before you know it, and this will hardly matter enough.
and so i let it go, and went out without training-wheels...and look what it got me. (of course, i didn't see it this way until later).
and when it was done, stephanie said to me something to the tune of, "you're a good boyfriend, but sort of a bad person."
now.
everyone i've mentioned this to has done a pretty good job of telling me that it's not true. and that's nice. i guess it's not totally true. i guess that's why it doesn't bother me that much.
but i guess what i can see if the truth in it. the fact that i've gone all this time assuming that that was ok. because, essentially i've spent the last five years prioritizing the one over the other. if i could just get her to let me be good to her, it didn't really matter what i had to do to get there.
and now, of course, i see that part of the reason i've failed over and over again in that pursuit is precisely because of those poorly-managed priorities. that i can't be good to her until i am good.
what is the point? the point is, i'm keenly aware of what a pain in the ass i am. also, i'm keenly aware that i suffer from this adolescent anxiety that at any moment you've figured me out and written me off.
the point is...i'm working on the problem. i realize that half the crime is in talking about it all too much, but...i mean, fuck, you've got to expect that from me at least a little, right?
and didn't you once tell me that you thought that the thing i was working so hard to make was myself, and that you didn't think that was as bad as it sounds?
well, the point is that i'm trying to get back to the part of it that sounds good.
please be patient.
with love,
km