She's broken. And can we really fix her? No. Only she can fix herself. Only she can handle things herself. But what if she's unwilling to do so? Will she go through life still broken? Always miserable? How could anyone want to live that way?
I turn away from Carolyn, from her small touches and her gentle looks, angry and upset at myself and the dilemma I find myself in. It's easier to pace restlessly than to hold still. I can't stay still. I need to move, just keep moving and get away from all of this...but I can't because even pacing, even in motion, I can't get away.
Then it was true. What I thought earlier was true. She can't resolve her issues now. She needs to work them out from their own roots. But she won't. She won't because she's too afraid or she doesn't want to fix herself.
"If we can't help her, can't fix her, then what other solution is there besides taking her away from the others so she can't contaminate them with her misery? Why keep her around when all she'll do is pull us down? I want her to be human so she can confront her demons. So she can play her music and feel free enough to not fear playing at churchses. So she can rediscover what life is really all about. She didn't love life beforehand. She just wanted...whatever the hell she wanted. Maybe to be happy. But I don't see the happiness now. If you see it, then tell me so. If you've a plan, then tell me."
Am I sounding too desperate? I hate to think I am but I don't...I don't want to make any more mistakes!
I wince slightly. "Unfortunately, being human won't mean she can confront her demons. It'll only mean she'll add you - and possibly Lucard - to the Gustav Is Bad list. It won't help anybody.
"Maybe you two should go back to Vegas." I smile weakly. "Or maybe just don't TALK to her. It's obvious you two can't get along." Tomah-toes and tomay-toes, anybody?
"Besides, Lucard probably needs some time to recover. I can handle Sophie. Just don't worry about her, think about her, let her upset you. If she comes, run away. Hell, I'll give her the exact same advice. You two need to stay the hell AWAY from each other, in my humble opinion."
"Which is what I've been doing." I force myself to stay calm. This really wasn't getting me anywhere. So much for her plan with the damned solution.
"I wouldn't care if it was just me. But it's also Alexander who has had to deal with her. I won't allow her to bring him down. I've tried making peace with her. I've tried being kind. I'm done trying with her. I'd much rather simply get her out of our lives. If she wants to be miserable, then let her. Let her wallow in her angst that she creates for herself. She has the emotional and mental maturity of a teenager and you know it's ridiculous when even I have to say that."
I'm tired of discussing her. I'm just..sick of her.
"I've made up my mind as to what I'll do. If it is the wrong decision, then I'll take the consequences. But, frankly, I will make sure she doesn't hurt anyone I care about again."
With that, I leave the room, angry, frustrated, and slightly disappointed.
Oi, so much for THAT idea. I guess it's impossible to counsel wait-and-see-ism to a male.
Shoulda known that. Oh, well. Sorry, Klaus.
"Sorry, Klaus!" I call after him, because... bleh. Just BLEH.
Know what? They all need ridalin. I've decided.
Enough of this. I'm gonna go take a shower, and then... well, get back into these things, I suppose, because they're cleaner than my clothes. Then I'll see what comes.
I turn away from Carolyn, from her small touches and her gentle looks, angry and upset at myself and the dilemma I find myself in. It's easier to pace restlessly than to hold still. I can't stay still. I need to move, just keep moving and get away from all of this...but I can't because even pacing, even in motion, I can't get away.
Then it was true. What I thought earlier was true. She can't resolve her issues now. She needs to work them out from their own roots. But she won't. She won't because she's too afraid or she doesn't want to fix herself.
"If we can't help her, can't fix her, then what other solution is there besides taking her away from the others so she can't contaminate them with her misery? Why keep her around when all she'll do is pull us down? I want her to be human so she can confront her demons. So she can play her music and feel free enough to not fear playing at churchses. So she can rediscover what life is really all about. She didn't love life beforehand. She just wanted...whatever the hell she wanted. Maybe to be happy. But I don't see the happiness now. If you see it, then tell me so. If you've a plan, then tell me."
Am I sounding too desperate? I hate to think I am but I don't...I don't want to make any more mistakes!
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"Maybe you two should go back to Vegas." I smile weakly. "Or maybe just don't TALK to her. It's obvious you two can't get along." Tomah-toes and tomay-toes, anybody?
"Besides, Lucard probably needs some time to recover. I can handle Sophie. Just don't worry about her, think about her, let her upset you. If she comes, run away. Hell, I'll give her the exact same advice. You two need to stay the hell AWAY from each other, in my humble opinion."
Reply
"I wouldn't care if it was just me. But it's also Alexander who has had to deal with her. I won't allow her to bring him down. I've tried making peace with her. I've tried being kind. I'm done trying with her. I'd much rather simply get her out of our lives. If she wants to be miserable, then let her. Let her wallow in her angst that she creates for herself. She has the emotional and mental maturity of a teenager and you know it's ridiculous when even I have to say that."
I'm tired of discussing her. I'm just..sick of her.
"I've made up my mind as to what I'll do. If it is the wrong decision, then I'll take the consequences. But, frankly, I will make sure she doesn't hurt anyone I care about again."
With that, I leave the room, angry, frustrated, and slightly disappointed.
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Shoulda known that. Oh, well. Sorry, Klaus.
"Sorry, Klaus!" I call after him, because... bleh. Just BLEH.
Know what? They all need ridalin. I've decided.
Enough of this. I'm gonna go take a shower, and then... well, get back into these things, I suppose, because they're cleaner than my clothes. Then I'll see what comes.
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