(no subject)
i changed my previous hated layout to this one. i've always liked orange. today was just one of those days that you can't forget. not because it was fun or awesome or cool. but because things change. change can be good and bad at the same time. change in the good sense is that something bad ends and something else starts. in the bad sense, something good ends and something else starts. by the way im not talking about my layout here. in any case i have yet to decide if it was a good or bad day. i have a fuckkkking mosquito bite on my back. might you ask how that's possible? i have no clue. maybe when i went to stacy's i donno. or maybe it was in staples or maybe it was in the movie theater. apparently mosquitoes are still around.. who knew? i can't believe we already have homework. its so annoying. i'm kind of starting to remember what its like to be in school. i can't wait until i'm in college. i won't have ot wake up at 6:15 anymore. although i will probably get lost a whole lot more, to me sleep is wayy more valuable. maybe i'll have a good year though, i really hope so. after last year, for the sake of my mental health, i can't afford another bad year. soon we'll be in the swing of things with classes and homework and the like. but this year i think ill do really well in school, because i have no one to distract me in any of my classes. thats really good and REALLY bad at teh same stupid time. i have no one to talk to =( but ill be really focused. my dear dear father will be returning from his week long excursion tomorrow. he went to the lovely land of mexico to visit his mother who decided to retire there. he kept sending me emails asking me about school. whatever. if he wants to know about my life, i think he shouldn't be in mexico emailing shit to me. i think he should be in new jersey. working and being a husband/father. but that's not the main focus of my life right now. but in anycase, im not much of a focusser. but if i did have to choose a focal point in my life it would probably be trying to do well in school. i really wanna get into a good college. even though thats a long way away, its better to think about getting good grades now as opposed to not trying and hating myself in senior year. yeah but i kind of already hate myself. today stacy and i were in the movie theater bathroom and there was this woman. and she looked in the mirror and she seemed really sad. and she said "evertime i look at myself in the mirror i just hate myself more and more." and she wasn't like ugly or anything. but she really made me think. i didn't say anything but stacy said "sorry." and she said "don't be sorry." i donno, that will stick with me for a while. it makes me think about the way people in general are so mean. hate is a strong word and i think i use it too much. the sick part is that i like it. i use a lot of words too much some are: like, and, totally, awesome, hate, stupid, and fuck. i would like to to stop using the word "like" so much. but the other words i really don't mind. i have a problem with that kind of stuff. i do some "bad" things like using the word "hate" too much. and then much more serious things, but the issue here is not my doing stuff like that, its that i have no problem and don't consider it "bad." i go against society and think that there is no porblem with the way i conduct my life. that sounded so fucked up. im like talking out of my ass. but i guess that's the only way i know how to articulate that idea. i feel like a loser now. as if i didn't feel like one already. being a loser can be fun sometimes though. like when you're in a movie and you talk loud and all the old people yella t you and for some godforsaken reason you thinks its hallarious at the time. but soemtimes feeling like shit is just that, shitty.