(no subject)
I have been trying to write in Lj everyday. I think i am going to keep doing it because i always go back and read how i was feeling like a month ago. Its weird to read some of the htings i write. I have no clue what i am thinking when i post some really emo things. owel.. thats my style. I really hate school. But i feel rpoud because i have been pushing myself so hard in history, and even with that pushing, i will probably still just get by with a low B. but thats good in her class.. there is only one A in my whole clas. ALICIA! and everyone else has C, there is only 3 B's. (me being one of them, so thats good enough). I got a 90 on my test. which is good. and she told me I did really well on my presentation, which means alot coming from her. and i got an 83 on my trench diaries.. because i didnt do enough pictures.. and only did 11 entried. stil managed to get an okay grade. i pray i get a b in her class.. i pray. I have been so stressed out with him i have been missing alot more school. I come in late like everyday recently. I have missed 5 days of 1st and second hour. which is bad because now i can only miss 6 more days of them for the rest of the year without geting dropped. but i doubt i woulld ever miss 6 days anyays. just kinda scary to think about. I have been weird latley, pretty contradticory. I tel myself I hate him. I know i do. just alot of anger inside of me. but i have a want for my own happiness that drives me. i am addicted to my own smile. just that feeling inside of me that feels like i have got more than anyone i know. that feeling that takes me over when he kisses me in front of people. the feeling that i can say i am happy and mean it. i am such a sucker for it. i want to let him go. but now that i am easing my grip.. hes starting to see and bring me in a little closer.. so its making it hard to just forget about him. but i am trying to hard to be strong. i am telling myself.. if i can make it through spring break without seeing him, or calling him, or talking to him online. i will be so much stronger. but that would require not leaving my house.. or going to the parties that we both "happen" to be going to.. and not picking up my phone to call him, or to answer him. im sick. its sick. we are sick.