Love and Loss
((Continued from HERE))
"So Wesley kissed....you, hoping to remember. And you kissed him back, wanting to discover."I considered her words carefully before deciding that it was, possibly, the trth of the matter. "Perhaps," was all I said before placing the box down and holding the spoon in my hand, moving it about and looking at it before placing ( Read more... )
"So Wesley kissed....you, hoping to remember. And you kissed him back, wanting to discover."I considered her words carefully before deciding that it was, possibly, the trth of the matter. "Perhaps," was all I said before placing the box down and holding the spoon in my hand, moving it about and looking at it before placing ( Read more... )
"What were you really looking for?"
"I am...uncertain." I did not like this line of questioning. I moved away from the witch towards Spike and gently stroked the small branches as I attempted to understand myself. Finally, one memory stood out and Fred's voice escaped my lips.
"I have to say, someday I'd love to bend your ear about the Pergamum Codex. I-I think some of the really obscure passages are actually Latin translated from a demonic tongue, and they're kind of a hoot. All this stuff about Bacchanals and spells..."
I stopped her voice and found my own again before finally giving her the answer she had requested.
"What were you really looking for?"
"Sex."
I believed what I said to be truthful, although I was still uncertain. And as I spoke, the witch continued to raise her voice at me, and I turned away from Spike to finally meet her questioning eyes.
"And how do I move on? I try and move first. Beacuse they are two different things."
"I do not suppose anyone has ever informed you that your words make no sense."
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"I..." I trailed off as my memory fully processed just what Illyria was saying. Or rather, revisiting. I heard the words clearly, I just wasn't sure of their tone. There could either be a question there, or a mocking answer. "Just how much of her are you carrying around in there? And why call on it now? Am I upsetting you?"
I studied Illyria closely, hoping to learn something from her reply.
"Sex."
"You don't look for sex," I said shortly, upset at Illyria though I wasn't sure why. "At least the way you are, like looking at....a plant. You have sex. You feel it. You know it...in places we are not discussing right now. But whichever way it is," I met her eyes across the room. "I don't think Wes is going to oblige."
"I do not suppose anyone has ever informed you that your words make no sense."
"Yes," I replied, a little exasperated. "Many times."
I leaned back against the kitchen counter.
"But at least they are mine," I concluded.
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"No, I merely thought..." What had I thought? I had assumed that the mention of the rituals involving sex from Fred's mind would explain it better to Willow.
"You don't look for sex."
"Why not?" This was curious. I had, after all, offered to Wesley that one time that we might share the experience to further my understanding of humans.
"I don't think Wes is going to oblige."
My eyes remained focused on hers as I stepped ever closer to her until the air between us vanished. I felt myself growing...angry. "And why do you assume such a position?" I growled out quietly. "You are not currently having intercourse with him; I do not understand."
She continued to speak about her words and I believed she was attempting to make a remark towards me and my own conflicts, but at this moment I was steady.
If I could not have my foe to kill, I would undertand this ache within my chest that arose whenever Wesley's name was mentioned.
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Illyria trailed off, as if she were unable to string words together in quite the way Fred used to. Honestly, I was glad for it -- it kept them two seperate people.
"No," I countered, repeating my point from before. "That wasn't your thoughts from before, they were her words.
I studied Illyria some more, confirming my impression that she was both smart, and strong enough to seperate those two ideas. So then I had to sit back and ask myself why she chose not to do it.
"I wouldn't have thought you were the crutch type," I blurted out, my inside words somehow getting free.
"And why do you assume such a position?" You are not currently having intercourse with him; I do not understand."
Suddenly Illyria was inches from me, and I had to blink a few times before I realized it had nothing to do with the crutch word, and everything to do with the sex...
"No," I finally stammered out," I am not having intercourse with Wes. I am not even thinking about...."
I leaned in a little clsoer, not daunted by the look she was giving me.
"Wait a minute. How long have you been thinking about it? Sex with Wes I mean?" I took a beathe and backed down again, just so I could see Illyria's reaction more clearly. "You can't control people that way," I finally added softly. "That is what I am trying to say."
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I did not understand the point of her words. True, the ones I had spoke were memories I had pulled from the back of my mind where portions of Winifred Burkle still resided, but was she trying to tell me something? If so, it was lost upon me.
"Wait a minute. How long have you been thinking about it? Sex with Wes I mean?"
I moved away from her, pushing buttons on the television as well as the X-Box and preparing my mind for battle with Orcs. I considered her words before answering truthfully. "Since the time that Fred's parents visited Wolfram & Hart and I had to masquerade as her." I pressed some buttons and more foes were dead, blood filling the television as I contemplated my next move. "He refused my request at the time."
"You can't control people that way."
I pressed the "pause" button as I realized I would never succeed in killing while Willow continued to interrogate me. My head turned as my body remained motionless.
"I do not wish control of Wesley. If I didm then he would have been mine long ago. I wish merely to...understand him. He confuses me and..."
And my words ended. I stood and looked at Willow fully. "I am done with this. You attempt to pry my human emotions from me when I am uncertain of them myself."
I walked towards the area of the "flat" that was mine.
"You may tell me when Wesley returns," I spoke over my shoulder before leaving.
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