so much sadness

[not_sooo_weird]

kari was killed in an accident on saturday. i know she wasn't a close friend or anything... but i just feel terrible. 19 is too young to die. i feel for jamie, zach, her brother, parents... awful. it's all so sad. i feel guilty for being sad too. how can i be sad when i haven't lost nearly what that family has. i just keep thinkin it could have been my sister. its so awful. i have to admit- i have not cried like i did over this in 5 years.. when my parents got divorced. i made it through the viewing, to the car, and to a parking lot and lost it. u wouldn't believe it. bad. allen's right, orch was really family. its like losing family. sadness. and now we're all just supposed to go on with life and not forget about her. from where i'm sitting i can read her signature on the violin that the 2004 senior orch kids got that was signed by everyone. ugh. painful. my sis is crushed. i haven't nearly the reason to be sad that she has. i need to be strong again. calloused. blah. i'm behind in school work. need to refocus. not think about all she'll never do/have. get back into a selfish world and think about my own future. it's all so cruel. such a cruel world. chenai and me saw the accident about an hour afterward but didn't know it was her. i'm so thankful that i've been sleeping dreamlessly. i'm going to attempt that again tonight.. by faith.
i will miss kari.. but as it says.. the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

:(