long blurr
so. i really didn't want to come home this eve. i didn't want to try and think of what to say or not say to mom. i really wanted to just sit somewhere and study, but i couldn't. i don't like school that much and i'm not that disciplined. i came home and did get some stuff done though. i feel guilty about how bad my attitude is here... i want to be happy and i want to talk to mom like she's the greatest again.. she is.. but i'm so upset that i don't let myself for more than a few minutes. that's b/c every few minutes he comes up again. why is she doing this to me? why? allen said that he saw them at walmart and his parents were w/ him and asked who she was w. he told them they didn't want to know. its true.. even allen knows and he hasnt been around close to us in like a year. omgoodness. sadness i say. also wednesday woulda been mom and dad's 26th anniversary. oughtta be an interesting day once again.. gonna do my best to be scarce. ugh, i just don't know how to get over this. it's seriously interupting my studying and i'm in a terrible mood everytime i talk to her which spills over into everything else i do at home. i can just feel the anger boiling on my way home from school. i get more and more aggitated with every mention of him, every thing she says, does... i had a gig in converse on saturday that was a 2hr performance for an audience. i asked her if she was coming and she said she would unless she got a call. she did and txted me that she was going to pauls and wished me luck. i'm tasting just a tad of shanes pain. talk about hurt. then allie started calling frantically at 1015 b/c dad dropped her off and she was alone and it was dark and she couldn't find mom. what in the world? so al calls grams and gramps and their like, oh we'll be right there... then started questioning me about where mom was. i hate that feeling and being put into the situation of do i tell, do i play naive, what do i do. i hate lying for her. its not fair at all. i'm not her secret service. k's mad about it too but has run away to school and doesn't have to face her all the time. also, last year i went on a cardiovascular rehab walk-a-thon with the patients. she told me today that that is where she was all morning saturday... i told her i would have gone. she said i was sleeping. of course i was sleeping.. i can't just guess the day!!! someone has to let me know.. now i'm starting to figure it out. i bet paul went.. or at least she met him afterward. anger i tell ya.. and i don't know what to do.. the only person that i want to talk to that could help me is r/t the situation. (and i mean... nm). maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal. i'm making a mountain out of a mole hill as they say. am i? don't know what to do. i just wish i could see the end of this and know that i'm upset in vain or not.. u know so that i could have some preparation. i don't want what happened last time to happen again.. me seeing things, saying you know what i wonder.. and then saying, oh please no.. and being right. i can't take it twice. i seriously don't think i can. scares me to death. you have know idea how upset this is making me. i can't even talk to g&g b/c i'm afraid i'll say something and they'll get on mom, or that i'll make them all possessive and spying or uckc will catch wind and continue his freaking out session. i'm going nuts. i got on here today to type a tad of my day and just relax a tad. look what poured out. i think i got a problem that seriouly needs a solution. what in the world am i supposed to do.. i keep praying God will take my anger, bitterness, jealousy.. i admit them all. i am at an end. i honestly don't know what to do. i'm tired of hiding all this junk.. i'm so good at it though.. hehe.. sorry thought that i deserved that compliment. grrrrr. "Give up and let Jesus take over.." i'm trying really hard.