Long night...to many thoughts... sleeping alone
I can't sleep... I read part one of the first book my love wanted me to read, I am really beginning to understand why he so badly wants me to read the series. I can relate to what is going on in the book... wonder if its going to become a freaky weird reading experience? Anyway, the book is not what is keeping me up though. As I said I finished part one was drinking some water getting ready to get cozy with my teddy bear and cat when my phone beeps. I have it set on quiet right now. Of course the only one calling me at 2:40 am is my damn stalker. What, does he really think I'm going to decide to answer tonight? Or does he know my love isn't here...? I wonder what he knows and how sometimes. His timing is freaky and hard to find coincidental... no voicemail tonight though, just a page saying 07734 which translates to hello. Now days I don't even want to hear the voicemails anyway. But at the same time I hate not hearing them cause then I don't know whats going on in his head. As if I really could, and like moods and such don't change within minutes. Supposedly now he is quiting speed, and when we were friends I had been trying to help him quit, so I should help him... if I do he will go back to being the good friend he was before he decided to fuck with my head and my life...bullshit! its all bullshit! He says whatever he can think of that will make me feel I should talk to him... I'm so tiered of it...I'm so tired of feeling like maybe I am a bad person or a bad friend cause I won't help, which is nuts cause hes ruining my life and trying to drive me crazy again. Besides looking back (you know hindsight is 20/20) I realize he was never really a good friend to begin with. Then to go and take advantage of me while I was vulnerable...he just isn't a good person.
Still, this all is really getting to me. I may be in better, more positive mental health than I have been in years, but I can only take so much. I am trying to be strong, and take it as it comes....knowing in the end things will turn out for the best and the way they are meant to and need to happen. Surprisingly I am happy a great deal of the time...one of the wonderful gifts of true love, and a reason I am thankful to whatever had any part of my love and I getting together. Yet at the same time, in the private sections of my mind (about to become not so private) I am finding myself feeling worn out, anxious, afraid, sad, confused, alone, and tired of hurt after hurt, more pain being added to wounds that haven't been able to heal, and the general feeling of my past haunting me.
I said at the beginning of the year I was going to deal with all that was unresolved in my soul (life)... life is making sure there is no short cuts.... this is, without a doubt, one of the most lesson filled years of my life...and its only June!
I feel its time to move on. Take the past with me only as lessons and memories... not actually there everyday to haunt and eat away at all that I have managed to rebuild of my soul.
Mr.stalker man claims he will be moving out of state in the near future (like in a couple weeks)... I hope its true, but I don't believe it. The thing that is really wearing me down is my journals not being in my possession, not knowing exactly where they are, or if I will ever get them back. Have the been read...shared...destroyed...? I should just write them off, but I can't. The thought of not getting them back takes my back closer to losing it then I would like. Once I get them back I will possibly destroy them, but whatever it will be my decision. My god I want those back... I can't believe someone stole them... I was stupid for not finding someway to make sure that couldn't happen... stupid for keeping them in the first place... stupid for not wanting to believe someone would actually steal them...
That is something I have a hard time expressing...just how stupid all this makes me feel... duh! What the hell was I thinking... what the hell have I been doing? I must be stupid to have left a neon sign on my back saying "go ahead...use and abuse" At least I took the sign down, and I'm doing the best I can not to make anymore stupid mistakes... but I feeling overwhelmingly stupid sometimes.....
I think the not sleeping well at nights is affecting my outlook, and I guarantee its not for the better... every since he left a card that mentioned seeing me in my dreams I haven't slept well.... Please oh please let me go back to sleeping better than I ever have when my love is by my side... at least right now I sleep pretty well considering while he is sleeping or awake by my side... but not the sleep that was so wonderful that we experienced before.... Although I am sleeping better and dealing better than I ever would have thought possible....
Ok so I'm rambling now, I should try to sleep now... I'll write more later, I can't believe I rambled this much... to write in such a way that others can read is weird though.
Still, this all is really getting to me. I may be in better, more positive mental health than I have been in years, but I can only take so much. I am trying to be strong, and take it as it comes....knowing in the end things will turn out for the best and the way they are meant to and need to happen. Surprisingly I am happy a great deal of the time...one of the wonderful gifts of true love, and a reason I am thankful to whatever had any part of my love and I getting together. Yet at the same time, in the private sections of my mind (about to become not so private) I am finding myself feeling worn out, anxious, afraid, sad, confused, alone, and tired of hurt after hurt, more pain being added to wounds that haven't been able to heal, and the general feeling of my past haunting me.
I said at the beginning of the year I was going to deal with all that was unresolved in my soul (life)... life is making sure there is no short cuts.... this is, without a doubt, one of the most lesson filled years of my life...and its only June!
I feel its time to move on. Take the past with me only as lessons and memories... not actually there everyday to haunt and eat away at all that I have managed to rebuild of my soul.
Mr.stalker man claims he will be moving out of state in the near future (like in a couple weeks)... I hope its true, but I don't believe it. The thing that is really wearing me down is my journals not being in my possession, not knowing exactly where they are, or if I will ever get them back. Have the been read...shared...destroyed...? I should just write them off, but I can't. The thought of not getting them back takes my back closer to losing it then I would like. Once I get them back I will possibly destroy them, but whatever it will be my decision. My god I want those back... I can't believe someone stole them... I was stupid for not finding someway to make sure that couldn't happen... stupid for keeping them in the first place... stupid for not wanting to believe someone would actually steal them...
That is something I have a hard time expressing...just how stupid all this makes me feel... duh! What the hell was I thinking... what the hell have I been doing? I must be stupid to have left a neon sign on my back saying "go ahead...use and abuse" At least I took the sign down, and I'm doing the best I can not to make anymore stupid mistakes... but I feeling overwhelmingly stupid sometimes.....
I think the not sleeping well at nights is affecting my outlook, and I guarantee its not for the better... every since he left a card that mentioned seeing me in my dreams I haven't slept well.... Please oh please let me go back to sleeping better than I ever have when my love is by my side... at least right now I sleep pretty well considering while he is sleeping or awake by my side... but not the sleep that was so wonderful that we experienced before.... Although I am sleeping better and dealing better than I ever would have thought possible....
Ok so I'm rambling now, I should try to sleep now... I'll write more later, I can't believe I rambled this much... to write in such a way that others can read is weird though.