What hurts the most....
If I could tell you absolutely everything on my mind right now, it would be this...
My Dearest Tristan,
It has been three months since I saw you last; three months since we broke up. And yet, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. You still occupy every last one of my thoughts. This may sound utterly inconceivable to you, but there are two portions to my life; before I met you, after I met you. Being with you changed my everything Tristan, and I don't even know how to put it. I have never felt for anyone what I feel for you.... I thought I loved Herter and I thought I loved Dan, but those feelings pale in comparison to what I felt and what I still feel for you. Words cannot describe how much I miss you, and sometimes, I just wish you could see what I've become. After we broke up, you cannot even fathom the shit I got into. I should be in jail or in a psych ward right now.... But I've straightened my shit out. It kills me every minute of every day to not have you in my life. I don't understand what I did to deserve this... I know Bettina said those exact words to you, and I remember brushing them off my shoulder, as if that could never happen to me. I know how she feels now, Tristan. When we were walking on the beach, holding hands in July, I could never have pictured that you would be my downfall, my demise. I have been through many a heartbreak, and I always pull through. For some reason, Tristan, you are the only one who can pull me through this. I just want to hear the sound of your voice. I want to see your smile that I fell in love with. I want to walk up to you in your aviators and introduce myself all over again. I want to dig in the sand with you. I just can't comprehend how you could forget us.... We did so much together. And you promised me forever. You used to look me in the eyes and tell me, "Lindsey, you are so beautiful. So amazing. One day you are going to realize that I'm a huge tool, and you are going to break up with me." I promised you that would never happen. I used to tell you, "Tristan, I adore you. That would never happen. One day, you are going to realize that I am a huge fuck-up and you are going to leave me." You left. I try not to hold it against you, but you made love to me, and then you left me. And by the way, I know that you remember the fact that we never "fucked"... we made love. That's what kills me Tristan. You slept with me and then left me, when you were the person I trusted most in the world. You got me through my first month of college. I wanted to die there, but when I drove to Wesleyan every other weekend to see you, everything was fine, and all I needed was you and I. I know I fucked up. I know I've had some inebriated mishaps, but that is why I try not to drink anymore. You may consider this complete rambling, and you may not even give a shit, but I want you to know that I've changed. I don't need fifteen thousand phone calls a day anymore. I just want one. I know things between could have/can work. We are so much alike that we tend to cancel each other out, and I know that. But that is what makes a relationship so special... the fact that you have to work to keep things going. I haven't decided whether or not I'm actually going to send you this yet... Maybe I will, maybe I won't.... I'm actually quite afraid of what you will do with it.... How you'll think I'm weak.... I'm really strong though, because I don't hate you. I should fucking despise you for what you put me through... But there is not a part of me that hates you at all. I'm in denial. I know..... I know you could really care less what I say.... But right now, maybe this is how I'm getting through the day. Think about it...I hope to see you soon. Maybe not soon, but sometime. I still hope to vacation with the Balukonis' this summer, and I hope that is not going to make things awkward between us... Anyways, I think I have said all that you care to hear..... "Love me... I'll be anyone you want me to be."
Faithfully yours,
Lindsey.
My Dearest Tristan,
It has been three months since I saw you last; three months since we broke up. And yet, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. You still occupy every last one of my thoughts. This may sound utterly inconceivable to you, but there are two portions to my life; before I met you, after I met you. Being with you changed my everything Tristan, and I don't even know how to put it. I have never felt for anyone what I feel for you.... I thought I loved Herter and I thought I loved Dan, but those feelings pale in comparison to what I felt and what I still feel for you. Words cannot describe how much I miss you, and sometimes, I just wish you could see what I've become. After we broke up, you cannot even fathom the shit I got into. I should be in jail or in a psych ward right now.... But I've straightened my shit out. It kills me every minute of every day to not have you in my life. I don't understand what I did to deserve this... I know Bettina said those exact words to you, and I remember brushing them off my shoulder, as if that could never happen to me. I know how she feels now, Tristan. When we were walking on the beach, holding hands in July, I could never have pictured that you would be my downfall, my demise. I have been through many a heartbreak, and I always pull through. For some reason, Tristan, you are the only one who can pull me through this. I just want to hear the sound of your voice. I want to see your smile that I fell in love with. I want to walk up to you in your aviators and introduce myself all over again. I want to dig in the sand with you. I just can't comprehend how you could forget us.... We did so much together. And you promised me forever. You used to look me in the eyes and tell me, "Lindsey, you are so beautiful. So amazing. One day you are going to realize that I'm a huge tool, and you are going to break up with me." I promised you that would never happen. I used to tell you, "Tristan, I adore you. That would never happen. One day, you are going to realize that I am a huge fuck-up and you are going to leave me." You left. I try not to hold it against you, but you made love to me, and then you left me. And by the way, I know that you remember the fact that we never "fucked"... we made love. That's what kills me Tristan. You slept with me and then left me, when you were the person I trusted most in the world. You got me through my first month of college. I wanted to die there, but when I drove to Wesleyan every other weekend to see you, everything was fine, and all I needed was you and I. I know I fucked up. I know I've had some inebriated mishaps, but that is why I try not to drink anymore. You may consider this complete rambling, and you may not even give a shit, but I want you to know that I've changed. I don't need fifteen thousand phone calls a day anymore. I just want one. I know things between could have/can work. We are so much alike that we tend to cancel each other out, and I know that. But that is what makes a relationship so special... the fact that you have to work to keep things going. I haven't decided whether or not I'm actually going to send you this yet... Maybe I will, maybe I won't.... I'm actually quite afraid of what you will do with it.... How you'll think I'm weak.... I'm really strong though, because I don't hate you. I should fucking despise you for what you put me through... But there is not a part of me that hates you at all. I'm in denial. I know..... I know you could really care less what I say.... But right now, maybe this is how I'm getting through the day. Think about it...I hope to see you soon. Maybe not soon, but sometime. I still hope to vacation with the Balukonis' this summer, and I hope that is not going to make things awkward between us... Anyways, I think I have said all that you care to hear..... "Love me... I'll be anyone you want me to be."
Faithfully yours,
Lindsey.