[MS] 11.08 - Blame
The finger of blame has turned upon itself
And I'm more than willing to offer myself
Do you want my presence or need my help
Who knows where that might lead
Mistakes weren't exactly new territory to her. Years of living up to her father's higher standards had left her slightly numb to the sting of disappointing someone. Countless times she was told that she should've known better, that she was better than that, and still she couldn't help the hollow feeling she had right now. Being an mark on her father's precious company record was one thing, but now, now things were so very different that she wasn't prepared for how much this actually hurt.
With every comment that passed the more her stomach twisted, and the more she felt like there wasn't anything she could even do anymore for anyone. Adam had been right to say she was to blame, that she had chosen a side, but even still she didn't feel like she had. It was too many things said, and too much time that had gone on where nothing was said at all.
Saying she had done this for herself didn't seem to transfer to the one person she wanted it to. Peter seemed to understand, they talked and he had said if she needed anything that she could ask, but even this wasn't something she thought Peter could help her with. Adam had mentioned Marissa as well, but she didn't even know if that was going to be okay either. Truth be told she'd cut herself off from almost all of them out of fear of what they would say. Now she realized that she had good reason to be afraid, and she hated that the one emotion she felt was that.
He had always said that if she wanted to leave she was welcome to, and yet she still stayed. She wished he had talked to Adam, just something to have calmed the nerves, or at least resolved something. Instead nothing had been done, and she hadn't made any request for that to change. Which once more pushed the fault back to her, and to how little she had been doing to fix this. All her claims that she was trying to help, and yet nothing had been done at all. She'd managed to just stay clear of it all.
Now faced with it, she wasn't even sure what she could do anymore. The only thing she knew she had control of was her own actions, and making mistakes wasn't something she was afraid of doing since she knew it was pretty bad as it was. She hadn't given Adam the benefit of knowing when she'd left, and despite wanting to tell Peter she knew that wasn't going to help anything, let alone her.
Packing up her things didn't take very long, she still hadn't exactly settled on staying there. Going back to the loft near Hartsdale made her long to just stay. To just give up on everything and not even care what happened anymore. She could sink into her bed and pull the covers up around her neck and just sleep. Instead she grabbed a few other things, and moved back into the back rooms of the building. Sixteen years living in the facility and she knew where all the secrets were. Ending up in the building where her father's vault had been was the only secret she needed to know. When he died, she ended up putting most of his possessions into the vault, keeping them away from the prying eyes. It wasn't even anything important to anyone else, but she knew what she needed. Digging through the boxes she finally dug up the keys letting the simple ring hit to her knuckle as she closed her fist around them.
Her father had loved to fish and during season he'd spend the weekends up at the cabin in Cold Spring close to the State Park. Not many knew about it, and the ones that did wouldn't think anyone would be there anyway. Her fist closed tighter on the keys and she took in a shallow breath unsure if she was going to make it worse by doing this, but at the moment she knew she didn't actually feel like she could go to anyone without it seeming like she was trying too hard to do something to please someone else.
The drive took an hour and when she got there she kept it dark, using her ability to keep a cool blue cast to the room as she moved toward the fuse box in the back bedroom. Flipping it on the entire cabin hummed back to life and she took a seat on the bed unsure of what exactly she was going to do now other than just try to find some sort of clarity on it all. It had been more than a few hours since her last remark to Adam and she wasn't even sure she wanted to tell him anything anymore. Pulling out her phone she glanced to the bars of service grateful to have at least two. Keying in a text message she thought carefully about what she was going to say.
'my actions have never been the wisest choices i'm sorry that i put you into this position i can't fix it until i can understand what was wrong in the first place and i don't think i could do that where i was and i can't go back to the beginning anymore i'm sorry'
It sounded odd, and she couldn't even think of a better way of wording it and even this wasn't something fit for a text message. Closing her phone it went unsent and instead she figured she just needed to sleep. Tomorrow would come, and maybe she could figure out what exactly she was going to do now.
And I'm more than willing to offer myself
Do you want my presence or need my help
Who knows where that might lead
Mistakes weren't exactly new territory to her. Years of living up to her father's higher standards had left her slightly numb to the sting of disappointing someone. Countless times she was told that she should've known better, that she was better than that, and still she couldn't help the hollow feeling she had right now. Being an mark on her father's precious company record was one thing, but now, now things were so very different that she wasn't prepared for how much this actually hurt.
With every comment that passed the more her stomach twisted, and the more she felt like there wasn't anything she could even do anymore for anyone. Adam had been right to say she was to blame, that she had chosen a side, but even still she didn't feel like she had. It was too many things said, and too much time that had gone on where nothing was said at all.
Saying she had done this for herself didn't seem to transfer to the one person she wanted it to. Peter seemed to understand, they talked and he had said if she needed anything that she could ask, but even this wasn't something she thought Peter could help her with. Adam had mentioned Marissa as well, but she didn't even know if that was going to be okay either. Truth be told she'd cut herself off from almost all of them out of fear of what they would say. Now she realized that she had good reason to be afraid, and she hated that the one emotion she felt was that.
He had always said that if she wanted to leave she was welcome to, and yet she still stayed. She wished he had talked to Adam, just something to have calmed the nerves, or at least resolved something. Instead nothing had been done, and she hadn't made any request for that to change. Which once more pushed the fault back to her, and to how little she had been doing to fix this. All her claims that she was trying to help, and yet nothing had been done at all. She'd managed to just stay clear of it all.
Now faced with it, she wasn't even sure what she could do anymore. The only thing she knew she had control of was her own actions, and making mistakes wasn't something she was afraid of doing since she knew it was pretty bad as it was. She hadn't given Adam the benefit of knowing when she'd left, and despite wanting to tell Peter she knew that wasn't going to help anything, let alone her.
Packing up her things didn't take very long, she still hadn't exactly settled on staying there. Going back to the loft near Hartsdale made her long to just stay. To just give up on everything and not even care what happened anymore. She could sink into her bed and pull the covers up around her neck and just sleep. Instead she grabbed a few other things, and moved back into the back rooms of the building. Sixteen years living in the facility and she knew where all the secrets were. Ending up in the building where her father's vault had been was the only secret she needed to know. When he died, she ended up putting most of his possessions into the vault, keeping them away from the prying eyes. It wasn't even anything important to anyone else, but she knew what she needed. Digging through the boxes she finally dug up the keys letting the simple ring hit to her knuckle as she closed her fist around them.
Her father had loved to fish and during season he'd spend the weekends up at the cabin in Cold Spring close to the State Park. Not many knew about it, and the ones that did wouldn't think anyone would be there anyway. Her fist closed tighter on the keys and she took in a shallow breath unsure if she was going to make it worse by doing this, but at the moment she knew she didn't actually feel like she could go to anyone without it seeming like she was trying too hard to do something to please someone else.
The drive took an hour and when she got there she kept it dark, using her ability to keep a cool blue cast to the room as she moved toward the fuse box in the back bedroom. Flipping it on the entire cabin hummed back to life and she took a seat on the bed unsure of what exactly she was going to do now other than just try to find some sort of clarity on it all. It had been more than a few hours since her last remark to Adam and she wasn't even sure she wanted to tell him anything anymore. Pulling out her phone she glanced to the bars of service grateful to have at least two. Keying in a text message she thought carefully about what she was going to say.
'my actions have never been the wisest choices i'm sorry that i put you into this position i can't fix it until i can understand what was wrong in the first place and i don't think i could do that where i was and i can't go back to the beginning anymore i'm sorry'
It sounded odd, and she couldn't even think of a better way of wording it and even this wasn't something fit for a text message. Closing her phone it went unsent and instead she figured she just needed to sleep. Tomorrow would come, and maybe she could figure out what exactly she was going to do now.