Day after Christmas Heart Stuff
Sometimes I feel like I am always striving. Well, most times I feel like I am always striving. Striving to be a better person, striving to be a better Christian, striving to have more faith, striving to have a more exciting and thriving prayer life, striving to have more knowledge, striving to be a "godly" woman, striving to be more in shape, striving to be all things to all people, striving to be well....perfect. The root of this problem, and it is a problem, I have discovered, and it lies in a unbelief about God. The unbelief stems from wrong patterns of thinking that were developed in me when I was young but that in itself isn't the reason for my having the urge to write today.
Every year since highschool, instead of doing a New Year's resolution, I have given a birthday present to Jesus. This year though, I am striving (once again) to find something worthy I guess to give up or sacrifice to Jesus. It would be so much easier if I could just buy him a book, or a card, or some new tools, or hunting gear like I do for the other males in my family. Anyhow, that's besides the point. When I was younger it was easy, I would do things like give up "secular music" or commit to have a quiet time every day that year (which never happened) or be better at writing in my prayer journal. This past year my gift to Jesus was to take better care of myself- get more sleep, eat more healthy, etc. which I definitely saw improvement but this year I am at a loss. I considered perhaps giving Jesus more time spent praying to him this year but I hate extended prayer committments. I always commit to them and rarely follow through. Call it my rebellious nature or lack of discipline, I don't know. If I do follow through, it's generally done half heartedly because I dislike talking to God out of any other motive other than desire. Don't think that I am against self-discipline and what not because I am aware of the flesh-heart battle going on inside me. You know the classic Paul verse with the whole "I do not do what I want to do yet I do what I do not want to do because what I do not do.....etc." Anyhow, I'm aware that my heart longs for Jesus and to reside with him and that my flesh is in rebellion against that and so I know that "getting your body in the right place" is neccessary at times. Now I won't lie, I don't fully understand the balance we are suppose to find in life, but that too isn't the point of my writing today.
I got a new book for Christmas by one of my most favorite speakers and authors, Sheila Walsh. It is called "Extraordinary Faith". I only began reading the introduction today and already I am hooked and inspired. Ya know how you hear a pastor or read something that completely speaks to your heart, almost as if the speaker were speaking directly to you or the author knew your mind ahead of time and the words on the page were written with your issues alone being taken into account. Well I'm pretty sure I've never met Sheila Walsh before but somehow the woman knows me. This is what she writes in her book
"When I was in my twenties I felt very inadequate in my prayer life and I wanted someone to tell me how to change that...... As a young woman I imagined that living a life of faith means that I needed to do more, believe more, be more. I lived under a self-inflicted mandate to bolster my faith, to make a new committment to be more faithful or excercise more faith."
(this is me, these are my thoughts, this is my life, striving striving striving!!!)
she goes on to say, " From the opening words of the book of Genesis to the triumphant end of the Revelation to John: God's word is all about his faithfulness to us even when we are faithless! I am convinced, won over, sure, persuaded, and certain that faith is not about what we are able to muster up; it is indeed all about God's faithfulness revealed through Jesus."
Now I am not even sure why, but I feel so much freedom in reading that! I most definitely do not have all the answers nor will I pretend to say that I fully understand it, but I'm pretty sure it means something along the lines of it's all about God's faithfulness and my striving doesn't really help anything nor is it even neccessary. mmmmm, sounds about right:) I know that God's peace and entering into His rest can't involve my striving because I'm almost positive they are opposites. My worth and my merit and my "specialness to God", no less my faith, is not and CAN NOT be wrapped up in my striving, my efforts- in anything less than God himself!!!.....meaning the pressure is off and I LOVE THAT!
Wow, this entry is terribly longer than I wanted it to be. I suppose that my thought processing is a much longer process than I expected. Oh well, congrats if you made it this far. I feel better now. And speaking of my feeling better now, I Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and I wish for rest and as little striving as possible for everyone in the New Year..... and awkward transitions are funny.:)
Every year since highschool, instead of doing a New Year's resolution, I have given a birthday present to Jesus. This year though, I am striving (once again) to find something worthy I guess to give up or sacrifice to Jesus. It would be so much easier if I could just buy him a book, or a card, or some new tools, or hunting gear like I do for the other males in my family. Anyhow, that's besides the point. When I was younger it was easy, I would do things like give up "secular music" or commit to have a quiet time every day that year (which never happened) or be better at writing in my prayer journal. This past year my gift to Jesus was to take better care of myself- get more sleep, eat more healthy, etc. which I definitely saw improvement but this year I am at a loss. I considered perhaps giving Jesus more time spent praying to him this year but I hate extended prayer committments. I always commit to them and rarely follow through. Call it my rebellious nature or lack of discipline, I don't know. If I do follow through, it's generally done half heartedly because I dislike talking to God out of any other motive other than desire. Don't think that I am against self-discipline and what not because I am aware of the flesh-heart battle going on inside me. You know the classic Paul verse with the whole "I do not do what I want to do yet I do what I do not want to do because what I do not do.....etc." Anyhow, I'm aware that my heart longs for Jesus and to reside with him and that my flesh is in rebellion against that and so I know that "getting your body in the right place" is neccessary at times. Now I won't lie, I don't fully understand the balance we are suppose to find in life, but that too isn't the point of my writing today.
I got a new book for Christmas by one of my most favorite speakers and authors, Sheila Walsh. It is called "Extraordinary Faith". I only began reading the introduction today and already I am hooked and inspired. Ya know how you hear a pastor or read something that completely speaks to your heart, almost as if the speaker were speaking directly to you or the author knew your mind ahead of time and the words on the page were written with your issues alone being taken into account. Well I'm pretty sure I've never met Sheila Walsh before but somehow the woman knows me. This is what she writes in her book
"When I was in my twenties I felt very inadequate in my prayer life and I wanted someone to tell me how to change that...... As a young woman I imagined that living a life of faith means that I needed to do more, believe more, be more. I lived under a self-inflicted mandate to bolster my faith, to make a new committment to be more faithful or excercise more faith."
(this is me, these are my thoughts, this is my life, striving striving striving!!!)
she goes on to say, " From the opening words of the book of Genesis to the triumphant end of the Revelation to John: God's word is all about his faithfulness to us even when we are faithless! I am convinced, won over, sure, persuaded, and certain that faith is not about what we are able to muster up; it is indeed all about God's faithfulness revealed through Jesus."
Now I am not even sure why, but I feel so much freedom in reading that! I most definitely do not have all the answers nor will I pretend to say that I fully understand it, but I'm pretty sure it means something along the lines of it's all about God's faithfulness and my striving doesn't really help anything nor is it even neccessary. mmmmm, sounds about right:) I know that God's peace and entering into His rest can't involve my striving because I'm almost positive they are opposites. My worth and my merit and my "specialness to God", no less my faith, is not and CAN NOT be wrapped up in my striving, my efforts- in anything less than God himself!!!.....meaning the pressure is off and I LOVE THAT!
Wow, this entry is terribly longer than I wanted it to be. I suppose that my thought processing is a much longer process than I expected. Oh well, congrats if you made it this far. I feel better now. And speaking of my feeling better now, I Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and I wish for rest and as little striving as possible for everyone in the New Year..... and awkward transitions are funny.:)