(no subject)
Wow.
It's been a while since I updated this thing. In some ways I like it better than Xanga. Probably because less people are on it so less people see my little rants.
So here I go:
My junior year has been kind of nuts. I did really well 1st semester, and then I made the decision to graduate early next year. Now all the school work I have just doesn't seem worth doing because I'll be gone by this time next year. Then I think about how I need to pass all my classes this year and first semester next year to get enough credits. Blah. I will feel bad about leaving Steph for a semester on her own. Because for 3 years now we've been eachothers only friends at that school. Shes the only person from school that I hang out with. Everyone that I try to hang out with from school, just ends in an awkward goodbye and we stop talking after that. Probably either cause A. I've become a chainsmoker. or B. I'm just too damn weird. I feel as though I'm a very smart girl, I just need to find a place where I can apply myself. Something I love to do. I don't know. Nicks planning on going to Judson next year (1/2 hour away) so I may be following him. Although it IS a Christian college and I don't even know what I want to do with myself. Maybe I should just search more. But I don't know. Me and that kid see eachother everyday, every other weekend would be quite a change.
I really want to clean up my life. These past 4 or 5 months have become a blur of drugs and drinking. Believe me, I've made some bad mistakes. I tried a drug I shouldn't have, and I liked it. I've smoked my entire life away. When I talk to people I don't remember what I said to them 2 seconds ago. I'm beginning to spend all my money on pot and cigarettes. Why? I don't even know. Because the truth is everytime I'm high for like 10 minutes, I don't even want to be anymore. Yet I still smoke everyday. Sure, marijuana is like the best drug you can do when it comes to after math and shit like that, but still. Is this really where I see myself in 10 years? Married to Nick with 2 kids, no degree, and a bong on the coffee table? Not really. I've always pictured a picture perfect family. Me being the perfect mother (which I KNOW won't happen seeing as how the person my mom is, is..horrible.) It's come down to the fact that the only drug I wouldn't try is heroin. Mostly because I've seen what that does to people. When I tried coke it left me wanting to try more. Like acid, shrooms, X, ether, mescaline, and basically anything I can get my hands on. But around here, it's hard to find good drugs. Especially acid. So I guess I'm safe from being addicted to anything really. I do like to drink. I'm just now able to actually take shots without barfing. And the only chaser I even had was fucking water. Hah. It didn't help much but I kept it all down easily. Watermelon pucker is my favorite by far though. Mm.
Um. I quit my job at Panera after about a month of working there. I couldn't stand it. I cried everything I went to work. My mom won't talk to me now and screamed at me for a long time because I disobeyed her.But atleast I told her I was going to quit before I did it. And I'm damn proud of myself for REALLY standing up to her for once. Yes.
As you can see. My life has gone down the shitter. I'm an unmotivated, ugly, selfish stoner who has nothing better to do with her life than drugs. And this was basically just an update for the only guy I know on here, who will probably never read it.
It's been a while since I updated this thing. In some ways I like it better than Xanga. Probably because less people are on it so less people see my little rants.
So here I go:
My junior year has been kind of nuts. I did really well 1st semester, and then I made the decision to graduate early next year. Now all the school work I have just doesn't seem worth doing because I'll be gone by this time next year. Then I think about how I need to pass all my classes this year and first semester next year to get enough credits. Blah. I will feel bad about leaving Steph for a semester on her own. Because for 3 years now we've been eachothers only friends at that school. Shes the only person from school that I hang out with. Everyone that I try to hang out with from school, just ends in an awkward goodbye and we stop talking after that. Probably either cause A. I've become a chainsmoker. or B. I'm just too damn weird. I feel as though I'm a very smart girl, I just need to find a place where I can apply myself. Something I love to do. I don't know. Nicks planning on going to Judson next year (1/2 hour away) so I may be following him. Although it IS a Christian college and I don't even know what I want to do with myself. Maybe I should just search more. But I don't know. Me and that kid see eachother everyday, every other weekend would be quite a change.
I really want to clean up my life. These past 4 or 5 months have become a blur of drugs and drinking. Believe me, I've made some bad mistakes. I tried a drug I shouldn't have, and I liked it. I've smoked my entire life away. When I talk to people I don't remember what I said to them 2 seconds ago. I'm beginning to spend all my money on pot and cigarettes. Why? I don't even know. Because the truth is everytime I'm high for like 10 minutes, I don't even want to be anymore. Yet I still smoke everyday. Sure, marijuana is like the best drug you can do when it comes to after math and shit like that, but still. Is this really where I see myself in 10 years? Married to Nick with 2 kids, no degree, and a bong on the coffee table? Not really. I've always pictured a picture perfect family. Me being the perfect mother (which I KNOW won't happen seeing as how the person my mom is, is..horrible.) It's come down to the fact that the only drug I wouldn't try is heroin. Mostly because I've seen what that does to people. When I tried coke it left me wanting to try more. Like acid, shrooms, X, ether, mescaline, and basically anything I can get my hands on. But around here, it's hard to find good drugs. Especially acid. So I guess I'm safe from being addicted to anything really. I do like to drink. I'm just now able to actually take shots without barfing. And the only chaser I even had was fucking water. Hah. It didn't help much but I kept it all down easily. Watermelon pucker is my favorite by far though. Mm.
Um. I quit my job at Panera after about a month of working there. I couldn't stand it. I cried everything I went to work. My mom won't talk to me now and screamed at me for a long time because I disobeyed her.But atleast I told her I was going to quit before I did it. And I'm damn proud of myself for REALLY standing up to her for once. Yes.
As you can see. My life has gone down the shitter. I'm an unmotivated, ugly, selfish stoner who has nothing better to do with her life than drugs. And this was basically just an update for the only guy I know on here, who will probably never read it.