memories
Dad wanted to see my yearbook today, and guess what page he turned to first?
Alex’s page. That dredged up all sorts of frightening memories, so i need to get them out before i can sleep tonight. maybe that will hold off the nightmares.
September 15 2006
It was a late arrival day at school, so i slept in until about 830 in the morning, a luxury. after i got up, i called taylor to make sure i was getting a ride. he was a crazy driver, but it was a damn sight better than taking the bus and having to deal with overly chipper freshmen. tay said it was cool, and he'd pick me up on his way to alex's house, jsut down the road from me.
sure enough, tay showed up around 945 in that beautiful camero of his. when we got to alex's house, he wasnt up. we called, he didn't answer. thinking he was still asleep, we went in to drag him out of bed. at first, when he said he couldn't feel his legs, i thought he was just fucking around trying to put off getting up. taylot tried to stand him up and his knees buckled. that's when we all started freaking. together, taylor and me got him down the stairs to the couch. Taylor called alex's mum while i tried to find him some clothes. oddly enough, the first time i'd seen him in just his boxers and i didn't even think to check him out i was that scared.
alex had always been a very independent, macho kind of guy, and that morning i had to physically pull his pants on him. i sat with him while everything kind of happened around us. he was trying so hard not to let me see how scared he was. i was almost in shock. how could alex; energetic, hockey-playing, free-cuddling alex be paralyzed for no reason? when tay was out of the room, alex looked at me with such terror in his eyes, even though he tried to hide it with teasing. i let him do whatever he needed to feel at ease with me. i bantered with him, i let him bury his face in my chest when he needed to get himself under control. i carded my fingers through his hair the way i'd seen his many girlfriends do so many times. it seemed to keep him relaxed.
taylor was amazing. he kept his cool until alex's mum and the paramedics got there. she went in the ambulance with him. we promised alex we'd follow and keep him company. then we broke the law. still in "get things done" mode, we called eachother out of school, faking as eachother's parents. taylor couldn't get back in the car though. that's when he finally cracked. we hung on to eachother for a long time in the driveway. he was a full head and shoulders taller than me, but at the time, i think i was the only thing holding him upright. he didn't do anything dramatic, no wailing sobs, no useless what-ifs. he just squeezed me and buried his face in my hair (it was shorter then, so it stuck out on top) breathing raggedly. i tried so hard not to cry, but some tears escaped. when taylor got himself under control again, we left.
i hated that hospital. it was too white. somehow, tay and i fell asleep on the couch waiting for alex to come out of surgery. i'll never know how we managed to sleep that day. maybe it was the adrenaline leaving us, maybe all the emotional repression exhausted us. alex's mum apparently thought it was sweet. she took a picture of us with her cameraphone. i think seh just needed a distraction from worrying. the picture is a bit grainy, but you can see two dark-haired teens in baggy green sweatshirts "spooning" on the couch as best we could. everyone took us for twins or a couple and left us alone.
tay woke me up about an hour before alex got out. it was almost time for school to get out. i called home with my story. we'd both gone to school, but we were going to the hospital to see if alex was okay. i'd call again later and taylor would drive me home. i spent all my money in the vending machines getting us snacks. we waited, and waited, and waited
finally, alex came out. or we heard that he came out okay and was in the icu, too drugged to do any sort of damage to himself. they wouldn't let us see him because we weren't family, but his mum thanked us for being there for him.
i couldn't sleep that night. too many fears, but i wasn't alone. taylor and i stayed up all night talking in hushed whispers over the airwaves. that helped alot.
ok. gonna try to sleep now. wish me luck