Fuckin' Feelings.

[5x5demon_killer]

The whole damn ride in the plane was gettin’ kinda annoyin’. All I could think of was B goin’ there and finding out what I had already known. Findin’ out that she needed to fight like hell to survive the hell mouth that was openin’ up. She went to save the vamps and Wes from some bad decisions, and she was walkin’ right into a hell mouth. I was

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[5x5demon_killer]

I heard Spike upstairs, so I headed up there, ready to ask a fuck load of questions. One startin' with the fight to begin with, and the other one on Gunn, and where in hell B was. I wasn' in such a great mood here, and I didn't want to start wailin' on demons until I heard the whole story. Demons were gonna get killed, but I wantred to be even more angry, so I could last longer. Needed somethin' to fuel the fire.

I made it to the door way, an' found B, crouching over Angel, who was lying there, and didn' look so well. No, not at all. Hlaf his face was purple, and I could tell that there were some broken bones. My guess? He flew through the fuckin' buildin'. Didn't know why or how, or even if B was there, but it was the only logical explanation. Definitely was gonna hurt like a mother when he woke up. And I did say when.

My gaze shifted to B when I noticed her neck. She'd been bit, and I fuckin' had a feelin' who did it to... I was right. B and Spike. He'd said somethin' about Angel needin' my blood. I tell ya, though. I'm never one to do that shit. I usually wouldn't even think about it... but this was Angel. He'd helped me out when I was in a bind, and he really wasn't lookin' too good. Definitely not gonna let him die on my account.

B looked at me like she was gonna do it. All actin' like she didn't just give two pints to Spike. I tried to ignore it, but damn, Buffy stare was like nothin' else. It it were up to me, fuck, she could give her blood, but I wasn' gonna let her pass out. The only being I would do this for was Angel. What can I say, selfish bitch.

There was no way I was gonna do the intimate thing with the neck like B did. Slittin' of the wrist was the plan, and that's what I did. Angel wasn't conscoious, but his body took the blood in like he was. He drank for a little while, and I started to wonder if he was gonna wake up. Finally he did, and stopped drinkin'.

B held him, but he didn't speak. He needed more than a slayers blood to cure him.

[angelbuffy]

I didn't want Faith to be the one Angel drinks from. It wasn't jealousy, it was sort-of guilt. I didn't know why I felt it, but I did. I didn't think that it was her obligation as a slayer to let a vampire - even Angel drink from her. I guess a little part of it was jealousy, but a lot of it was my own personal problem.

I didn't even know if the drinking was going to help him anyway. He wasn't conscious. I never really saw a vampire that was had been unconscious for longer than a few hours. I didn't see how Angel was going to wake up, but we had to try something.

Faith slit her wrist in a fashionable way, looking like she was pretty reluctant to do so. Her and Angel had this bond from when he had saved her... from me and herself. I guess she felt like she owed him something. She did. But it was more than that. She was good now, and she also was beginning to understand what friendship really was. Her and I were never really that close, but we came to an understanding a year or so ago. Believe it or not, I was closer to her now than I was with all the other slayers and my other friends. All of them except Giles, of course.

I looked down and watched as Angel was drinking from her. He wasn't in his mind, but the vampire in him seemed to know exactly waht was going on. His eyes didn't open until well after he had almost finished. When he opened them, he looked right through me - right through everyone. There was so much pain in his eyes, that I couldn't even tell that that was him anymore.

I was afraid to hold him, because I might have hurt him. I could tell a few broken bones, and bruising, and not forgetting the blood that escaped him. I was relieved that he was awake, that meant that he was going to be okay, but it didn't determine when.

I looked at Faith, giving her unspoken words. I was thankful that she was here. From the looks of it outside, made me even more thankful. My gaze turned back down to Angel, who didn't speak, or move.

"We need to get him to the couch."

[railroad_spike]

Watched as Angel drank from Faith and only then did the guilt hit me. I had drank froma human and worse then that, had sodding drank from the woman that I loved, from the woman who had the biggets heart that I had ever seen. Saw the way that she hurt for Angel as he woke, and that tore away at me too. Had the soul for two years now, but this was only the second time that I had really felt it, or maybe the third?

Had felt in when I had gone to Bufy after fighting with the very slaya that had just given Angel her blood, when they had usurped Buffy's power and I spilled what I had in me to her. Had felt it again when I had known that my time had come, that I was going to die saving Buffy and saving the world.

This was the third time that I had felt it, truly felt it, and it always reverberated around Buffy. Watched as they carried him and placed him on the couch. The two of them were worried about Angel. I wasn't. Knew that with time, if he fed, everything would heal. Couldn't kill a vampire without sunlight, holy water, fire, beheading or the redwood through the chest, and since he was awake, knew that he would recover, but watching it all brouth new meaning to me.

Saw the concern in her eyes for him. Not just Buffy's, but Faith's as well, and though I knew that I loved her, and would always, I now knew what Angel had felt for her and for the first time, wasn't going to let petty jealousy stand in the way. If she loved hair-gel more then me, then she did. If she didn't want either of us, then so be it. Just wanted to be around her, to fight the good fight, to do what I could, as I always had, or at least had over the last four years not spent at Wolfram and Hart, to help her, and to help her in any sodding way.

They both looked up at me, and then I looked down at Angel. Son of a bitch was tough as nails to survive flying through the air and into the building at that speed. Coudln't believe that he had made it.

Was glad though. And not because Angel and I would ever sodding see eye to eye, because that would never happen, but because it made Buffy happy that Angel was in the world, and if it made her happy, then it made me happy.

Didn't say anything, just waited to see if King vampire former of Wolfram and Hart would say anything. Was willing to bet that the first words out of his mouth, if ther ewere any in front of us, were about Buffy, or to Buffy. Knew exactly how Angel thought, not for the first time in our lives, and for once, wasn't going to stand jealously in the way. Was just glad to be alive, was just glad that Buffy was alive, and that Faith had given Angel her blood so that he could be alive. Somebody had to stop all of those demons from killing every-bloody-body in sight.

[shanshu_angel]

I felt myself being carried and I was able to see that Buffy had me in her arms. These were good things. I could see that Faith was watching out from behind and that Spike was looking on.

Guilt filled me for everything, but I was conscious now, and knew why everything had happened. I could explain it. I could feel it and it didn't feel good, but being in Buffy's arms..well..there were worse places to be.

Everuthing was real now. The demons that had gotten away were probably killing innocent humans and I couldn't fight. I would need days, weeks to fight, but I was responsible. I was responsible for sending Nina away never to return. I was responsible for Drogan's detah, and I was responsible for whatever destruction had been set upon innocent people because I had felt compelled to act out against Wolfram and Hart by taking out the Circle. A great justice had been provided to the world by our actions; by the actions of myself, Spike, Illyria, Gunn and even Lindsey, who was dead because of me, not that it was what was eating at me most.

A great injutice had been committed, and that far outweighed the good of what we had tried. If I had waited, bided my time, tried to play things differently then things would be different. If I had went to Buffy and Faith and even Giles, then together, we could have found a different way.

Instead, I had tried to make Cordy and Fred's death matter, and in the process, i had gotten Gunn and Illyria obviously killed and so many others had to be dead. I doubted that Spike killed all of those demons by himself.

At least, I could feel, though. At least I could feel, and smell and open my eyes. I had more to atone for, but at least now, I had the chance.

I went to speak and my head which was thinking beautifully, was obviously damaged, because I couldn't get the words to form and become verbal. I tried harder, straining, looking intensely at Buffy and then at Faith and Spike, and finally, they came out slurred.

"Buf...fy, all of thiss is my fault..."

I couldn't get any more words out, and looked at her, feeling something else, a tear forming at the side of my left eye, rolling its way down.

[5x5demon_killer]

I was standin' right next to Spike when B put angel on the couch. Seein' him look the way he did almose made me want to see him unconscious. If he was unconscious, he couldn't feel the pain... and I knew he was in some motherfuckin' pain.

Since Angel was alright, I couldn't help but think about the hell that was outside, and Gunn laying out there. In the past few years I'd changed, and I was even startin' to notice it. Gunn was a good person, and seeing how badly he was hurt, made me think that he suffered.

I covered my wrist with my hand, and walked around. I needed to get the blood runnin' in my system. B was holdin' Angel, Spike was watchin' and I felt like I wasn't doin' anythin'. I didn't want to sound like the party pooper here, but there was a lot that we had to get doin' and it all had to do with cleaning up the mess that started spreadin' in Los Angeles. The longer we waited, the more we were gonna have to deal with later.

Plus, by the way I was feelin' minus the fact that a lot of my blood was gone, I wanted to fight somethin'. I was about to speak, but Angel did, and it made me stop and freeze at a moment.

"Buf...fy, all of thiss is my fault..."

I couldn't say that he was wrong, because I only came here at the end of the story. Hearin' him say that made me come back down to par. I hadn't ever heard him say something like that with such feelin'. If it was makin' me feel, I couldn't help but wonder waht it was makin B feel.

It was pretty silent in the room, alot of starin' and a lot of silence. I knew B was thinkin the same thing as me, but I also knew that her priorities were in this room. There wasn't no sense in talkin' to her now, or for a little while.

I could still hear the pourin' rain outside, and that wasn't comfortin' at all. I walked back over to Spike, and looked at Angel. I wanted to say somethin' but for once, I was at a loss for words.

[angelbuffy]

I was choking back a lot of my thought because they would only make me feel ten times worse than what I was already feeling. Angel was here, helpless, Spike was badly hurt, and the crew that I gathered had been with Angel for years were all dead. All of them excet for Spike. I couldn't imagine what the was feeling like.

I was covered in blood from both Angel and Spike. I only got here a little while ago, but it felt like I was here for a while. I was exhausted from jet lag, and from what had happened a little while ago. I didn't know how long they were fighting, I didn't know why. I was going to need these answers sooner or later, but now wasn't the time to ask them. None of us had a clear head right now.

I wanted so badly to do something else for Angel... anything else for Angel but I was pretty helpless. I hated feeling helpless when there was so much that could be done, but nothing that I could do. I couldn't keep my eyes of of Angel, even though it hurt me to look at him in this state.

"Buf...fy, all of thiss is my fault..."

I stared at him for a minute, frozen. He was genuinely sorry, I knew Angel. I knew him. Hearing him say something like this broke my heart. I didn't have anything to say. I didn't know what to say. Was this all his fault?

I saw a tear fall down the side of his cheek, and I could feel my own forming. I could feel them forming because of what this world almost lost, what I almost lost. I always knew that Angel and Spike weren't going to leave my heart... but I didn't know that they were really one of the bigger parts of my world.

I supressed my tears, and looked at him in the eye.

"Shhh.."

There wasn't anything I could say. The words weren't forming in my head, and they weren't going to escape my mouth.