Why today is sad...
Today my old best friend came over and we made breakfast. Sausage, eggs, and cinnamon-blueberry pancakes that she almost burned after constant reassurances of her pancake-making prowess. What do you talk about with somebody that you don't have anything in common with anymore? "It's weird," she said before she left. Yeah, it is.
This is Arena, my best friend, partner in crime, lover of loud music, illegal skateboarding, and getting muddy in the woods. This is Arena, the girl I hated, breaker of hearts, uncaring girl who almost killed my friend. This is Arena, who I held as she cried at her dad's funeral. This is the girl that I thought would save the world and cure cancer, who was the only reason I passed physics, who might flunk out of school.
I'm really confused right now and I don't know how to fix it. I feel like today something great ended, something that was dying but we had fixed, or maybe we just thought that we had, because you don't fix something that is that broken. How do you hug someone you don't know anymore?
We were inseparable. Completely, utterly the best of friends. Nothing could take us on, and that was how it lasted until Liz joined us and we grew stronger. And there was Will, who I loved dearly as an amazing friend. And he loved Arena. She toyed with him, played with him, and I told her she couldn't. He was unstable, he had mental issues, he was on drugs to be sane. She said that he didn't matter and wasn't worth her time to explain to him why she didn't want to be with him. He called me one night saying he was going to kill himself. I went over there. That was a long night.
I called her out. We had a huge falling out and Liz took her side. We fought. I stood by Will, even as he was in the psych ward, even as I fought desperately with my two best friends. We didn't speak for a long time.
Then what? Liz failed out of Queens on a full ride, Arena called me with boy problems. Her parents hated her boyfriend, her dad was dying. We waited. We didn't talk.
Her dad died and I went home for the funeral. She looked at me and I hugged her and she wouldn't let go and just cried. I told her to call me, that State wasn't that far away. She never did. She left school for the semester.
We talked some. She moved in with her boyfriend and his roommates. She doesn't have girl friends, in fact, she only has her boyfriend. She doesn't understand how I've become so involved in school and with people. Signet? Phi Mu? You're in a what? A SORORITY? I don't believe it. What changed? I say that Queens is very different from State. She narrows her eyes.
What did change? Have I grown up that much? I think maybe I have.
Andrew hates her. Of course he would, he loved Will more than I did.
We saw each other a few times over the summer, over breaks, and then today. And you know what, I doubt that I'll ever see her again.
It all fell apart at the end of our senior year. She and Liz hang out, and I don't. I just don't know. It's like I kept going after high school, and they didn't. Or something, I really don't know. It's really sad. I'm sad. Today it really ended. Over, done with, utterly broken and shattered.
I hope she does ok. I hope she finds herself and doesn't fail out of school and doesn't settle for something other than what she wants. I guess first that she needs to figure out what she wants. I hope that she sees that she can't hurt other people without repercussions, that life won't always just be concerts and driving fast with the windows down and laughing as we push jeeps out of the mud. Those are nice moments, but they aren't life.
This is Arena, my best friend, partner in crime, lover of loud music, illegal skateboarding, and getting muddy in the woods. This is Arena, the girl I hated, breaker of hearts, uncaring girl who almost killed my friend. This is Arena, who I held as she cried at her dad's funeral. This is the girl that I thought would save the world and cure cancer, who was the only reason I passed physics, who might flunk out of school.
I'm really confused right now and I don't know how to fix it. I feel like today something great ended, something that was dying but we had fixed, or maybe we just thought that we had, because you don't fix something that is that broken. How do you hug someone you don't know anymore?
We were inseparable. Completely, utterly the best of friends. Nothing could take us on, and that was how it lasted until Liz joined us and we grew stronger. And there was Will, who I loved dearly as an amazing friend. And he loved Arena. She toyed with him, played with him, and I told her she couldn't. He was unstable, he had mental issues, he was on drugs to be sane. She said that he didn't matter and wasn't worth her time to explain to him why she didn't want to be with him. He called me one night saying he was going to kill himself. I went over there. That was a long night.
I called her out. We had a huge falling out and Liz took her side. We fought. I stood by Will, even as he was in the psych ward, even as I fought desperately with my two best friends. We didn't speak for a long time.
Then what? Liz failed out of Queens on a full ride, Arena called me with boy problems. Her parents hated her boyfriend, her dad was dying. We waited. We didn't talk.
Her dad died and I went home for the funeral. She looked at me and I hugged her and she wouldn't let go and just cried. I told her to call me, that State wasn't that far away. She never did. She left school for the semester.
We talked some. She moved in with her boyfriend and his roommates. She doesn't have girl friends, in fact, she only has her boyfriend. She doesn't understand how I've become so involved in school and with people. Signet? Phi Mu? You're in a what? A SORORITY? I don't believe it. What changed? I say that Queens is very different from State. She narrows her eyes.
What did change? Have I grown up that much? I think maybe I have.
Andrew hates her. Of course he would, he loved Will more than I did.
We saw each other a few times over the summer, over breaks, and then today. And you know what, I doubt that I'll ever see her again.
It all fell apart at the end of our senior year. She and Liz hang out, and I don't. I just don't know. It's like I kept going after high school, and they didn't. Or something, I really don't know. It's really sad. I'm sad. Today it really ended. Over, done with, utterly broken and shattered.
I hope she does ok. I hope she finds herself and doesn't fail out of school and doesn't settle for something other than what she wants. I guess first that she needs to figure out what she wants. I hope that she sees that she can't hurt other people without repercussions, that life won't always just be concerts and driving fast with the windows down and laughing as we push jeeps out of the mud. Those are nice moments, but they aren't life.